Thursday, March 24, 2011

Lists

I like making lists.

Here are some of my favorites:

A) Weirdest Porns*
1. Whale Porn
2. Outer Space/Zero Gravity Porn
3. Underwater/Scuba Porn
4. Crush Porn
5. Tentacle Porn

B) Best Cat Names
1. Butros Butros Kitty (from Butros Butros Galli, the former UN Secretary General)
2. Tybalt, Prince of Cats
3. Sir Paul McCatney
4. Tiberius Catticus
5. Meowsolini

C) Things To Do Before I Die
1. Punch a Neo-Nazi in the face
2. Ride a hippo
3. Get in a duel
4. Stand on every continent
5. Never wear pants

D) Cupcake Flavors
1. RAINBOW CHIP, DUH
2. Red Velvet
3. Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate


I know it isn't an exciting or slutty post, but I thought you might enjoy a look into the mind of this not
so Virgin Mary.

*the first three are theoretical (you're welcome for that), but probably exist in the depths of hell and unhappiness on the internet

Thursday, March 10, 2011

How To: 2

Another chance for you to learn to be awesome, like me.

This post's lesson is all about...wait for it...wait for it...pass out and wake up four hours later with no recollection of what happened to you or how you ended up in Mexico but it doesn't matter because here comes...THE KNOCK AND COCK!

That's right ladies and gentlemen, the Knock and Cock.

Technically the "How To" is going to be: How To Seduce a Man Who Doesn't Want To Be Seduced. But, I really like saying "Knock and Cock" and I wanted to have a long build up to an all caps exclamation.

Here it goes, seducing unruly men. Well, if you are a lady creature and have anything even vaguely resembling boobs you are half-way to getting it on. A man finds it VERY hard to resist boobs of any size (I'm trying to be all inclusive for readers who are less top heavy).  It is in the very nature of boobs to make everything awesome and to seduce men. They reflect a woman's fertility; the bigger they are, the better for the offspring. 
Also, it's true...you just can't motorboat personality, and more importantly, your in depth knowledge of Battlestar Gallactica isn't going to entice a man from across the room, so you gotta hook 'em some how. Boobs are your best option. I guess a slammin' booty couldn't hurt, but not everyone can be as gifted as me (booyah).
Usually if you are trying to become a dude's nightime friend, all you have to do is ask. Dudes will, 90% of the time, go for it. You have to be doing something really wrong if you can't openly proposition a dude and he doesn't have his pants off four seconds later. If he does say no, it could be explained in several ways,  a) he is a gentleman, but who wants them anyways, b) he respects you as a person, but that's for sissies, or c) he isn't drunk enough yet.
Wait two beers, ask again. Repeat until bonage.

But, if he is really stubborn or you are really ugly, you can go for the Knock and Cock.
You've been wondering what that is, haven't you?
NOW YOU FIND OUT!

The Knock and Cock is also called "The Lady's Delight" if you are trying to be classy.
It is two things:
1) a roofie
2) a viagra
Crush 'em up, throw 'em in his drink, get him to a closet or a car's backseat or a bedroom (if you're classy) and make woopie.

Easy.

Someone raised the question recently of how will the two pills interact. My answer: "He'll fuckin' pass out and get a boner, boom, done."
Health risks my ass.
If you're going to give a dude the Knock and Cock you're probably not super worried about his health. Let's be honest for a minute.
Is it date rape? Probably.
Is it a hilarious name? Obviously
Am I actually suggesting you do it? "No" (But I would love to hear about success stories of logistics issues you run into if you do)

Moral of the story: drug 'em and love 'em, that's the way to do it.

**Important Note: The term "Knock and Cock" was created and is currently copyrighted by Dr. Iant "The Ginger Butt" Bennett. He's really mad I didn't write that in the original post.