How To: 5

Breakups

Yikes

As functional young adults, we've all been in relationships and we've all had to break up with people.
Well, hopefully you've done the breaking up a time or two, and haven't just always been the person who gets broken up with.
That'd be depressing.

So here are some quick tips about breakups (totally NOT from experience...):

Maybe don't do it over text at 3am when he is really stoned.
That will potentially be really uncomfortable for everyone involved.
I definitely didn't do that one time...

Classic

Also, maybe don't say "We were both expecting it, so don't be surprised."
That is less polite than you think, and also maybe they are a little surprised.
Didn't do that either!

Potentially it is a bad idea to have a screaming match in a Starbucks too.
That is awkward for everyone, not just the two of you.

But seriously, here is some real advice for break ups:
Be honest, and be diplomatic.
If the person is boring you, tell them "I don't think have very much in common."

If the person is a slob, "We have different priorities."

If you've maybe been sleeping with other people, "I think we have grown apart."

Boom.
Nailed it!

I honestly feel that the break up can effect your feelings about the relationship for ever. Think about it! If you have a mutual, adult-esque break up, then you probably won't be bitter or bitchy about the relationship you had. If you get dumped out of the blue (over text?) then you'll be pretty upset about it and probably quite resentful.

Moral of the Story: No one wants to be the douchebag who breaks up with everyone in douchey ways.

Bar Boys

I'm not much of one for furious rantings (that may or may not be pure fiction), and so you should know that when I say this, I mean it.

You are a dumb fucking dumbass if you think that a dude you meet at the bar gives one fraction of one shit about your personality.
This has happened twice in the past few weeks, where we have gone to bars and dumb girls will meet dudes and start thinking there is a real connection.
Know what the connection is?
Boobs.

Here is the situation:
They meet at a dance club and make out in the corner all night. Soon after that they start texting.
"OMG, he cares about me as a human being!"
uhhh...what?
"OMG, he invited me to a party with his friends!"
Oh, you mean he wants to get you drunk at a house with beds in it?
"OMG, there's a real connection."
No, this dude cares about two things and they're on your chest with nipples attached. He asked about your major? Fascinating. He asks what kinds of movies you like? Great.
Here is what you say:
"Oh, I'm a communications major because it's really important to me to communicate with people and have the resources to succeed in the business world!" (except comm majors are dumber than that)
and what he hears is:
"Oh, blah blah blah blah if you keep acting interested I'll give you a BJ in the bathroom because I'm dumb as a brick blah blah!"

Never
Ever
Ever
Think that a guy you meet at the bar cares about you as a human being.
He, like most guys, is trying to get laid.
He can tell when you're the kind of girl who needs three nice words and a half-date to spread 'em. He'll do it. Then he'll do you.

While I don't think it is wrong or stupid to meet guys at bars, or to have sex with dudes you meet at bars, I think it is REALLY stupid to convince yourself he wants anything more than that.

You have to be smarter than that.

If, the first time you meet a guy, you make out with him, what do you think his expectations are for the next time you see each other? You think he hopes to step backwards and just talk. That's not how the dance works. You don't give a dude an HJ then tell him your name. No.
He expects to touch on your body, and he'll talk but he will always be waiting for that moment where you make mouth babies.
Always.


Moral of the story: Your boobs outshine your personality.

Everything In Life is The Opening for a Porno

The title says it all.
That is the thesis to the greatest essay ever.

In a fitting room? PORNO

Getting a package delivered? PORNO

Private tutoring session? PORNO

Buying a cake? PORNO

If you watch very much porn, you start seeing the situations everywhere. Kind of weird.

Have you ever been called into the office of your very attractive professor? If so, you know that you get really self-conscious of "asking what you can do to boost your grade" and "being willing to do anything" and "my it's so hot in here, let me take my jacket off...oh wait, I don't have a bra on!" and then you're twenty minutes deep in a sex movie. Weird.

I guess, in reality, the point of this post is to let you all know that you can live the porno of your dreams. Believe in yourself...and your genetalia.

Moral of the story: All day er'ry day!