If you were curious, I'll have my dick in a box tonight.
Win.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
What Would Your Mother Say?
Halloween brings out the whores.
It's a common thing.
I certainly won't judge you...
No...no, wait...I will. I will judge you. SO HARD.
I know that Halloween is, at first, a thinly veiled excuse for fat kids to indulge themselves and for all other children to wander around unaccompanied at night, and then, as we get older, it becomes an excuse for our private parts to be thinly veiled. See what I did there?
So today, in honor of this delightful excuse for partying and nudity, I will bring you in on my Halloween plans.
FIRST since Halloween is a Monday, we are required by law to go out both that night AND the nearest Friday and Saturday (we go out every Friday and Saturday, but we'll be in costume for these ones so it is special).
All three nights will be like Christmas for us, no, not for the night itself but for the presents that the morning will bring.
Allow me to explain.
My dear bro Alison lives along a street called Indian. Her abode lies between campus (where the freshmen live in their dorms) and the area of our city most densely populated by college kids who host parties.
Can you see where this is going?
We will be involved in the greatest tradition known to man:
THE POST HALLOWEEN WALK OF SHAME JUDGES PANEL
Oh yes.
We will have lawn chairs.
We will have score cards.
We will have bottles of champagne with some orange juice inside so they technically count as mimosas and we don't have to worry about the implications of drinking the whole bottle at 8am.
Imagine it, readers.
I'll give you a preview of the morning so you can enjoy my bitchiness without actually having to be near me.
Aww, sexy cowgirl. She's probably never been around an animal bigger than a labradoodle but man does she think she looks cute in cowboy boots. She is trying to get back to campus before the dining hall opens up and people are awake to see her. Probably she slept with some really gross guy last night, probably the first guy to call her sexy and offer her a Natty Ice. Poor thing.
6/10
Sexy cop...you are not original. When I see you walk past, my initial reaction is to roll my eyes.
This girl is freezing cold (because it is Washington, in late Autumn, in the early morning), and she didn't think to bring a jacket or change of clothes. Do you know why? She "totally didn't plan to stay there" but her friends got too drunk and left her at a party because she was too drunk to walk and puked in someone's dishwasher. Probably she can't really walk because she slept half on a coffee table, half on the floor and lost a shoe.
Her pain makes me laugh even though her costume is boring.
7.5/10
I have no comments. No matter what happened to her the previous night, even if she just fell asleep at a friend's house and isn't too hung over, seeing that costume walking around in the light of day? Priceless.
10/10
SEE?
This is fun. Try it sometime.
Moral of the story: Halloween is the most best holiday
It's a common thing.
I certainly won't judge you...
No...no, wait...I will. I will judge you. SO HARD.
I know that Halloween is, at first, a thinly veiled excuse for fat kids to indulge themselves and for all other children to wander around unaccompanied at night, and then, as we get older, it becomes an excuse for our private parts to be thinly veiled. See what I did there?
So today, in honor of this delightful excuse for partying and nudity, I will bring you in on my Halloween plans.
FIRST since Halloween is a Monday, we are required by law to go out both that night AND the nearest Friday and Saturday (we go out every Friday and Saturday, but we'll be in costume for these ones so it is special).
All three nights will be like Christmas for us, no, not for the night itself but for the presents that the morning will bring.
Allow me to explain.
My dear bro Alison lives along a street called Indian. Her abode lies between campus (where the freshmen live in their dorms) and the area of our city most densely populated by college kids who host parties.
Can you see where this is going?
We will be involved in the greatest tradition known to man:
THE POST HALLOWEEN WALK OF SHAME JUDGES PANEL
Oh yes.
We will have lawn chairs.
We will have score cards.
We will have bottles of champagne with some orange juice inside so they technically count as mimosas and we don't have to worry about the implications of drinking the whole bottle at 8am.
Imagine it, readers.
I'll give you a preview of the morning so you can enjoy my bitchiness without actually having to be near me.
What? No. What? Whhhhaaaa?
Please leave me alone, weird girl who happens to have a nice body but has no social skills at all. That anime themed Halloween party you went to does not count as fun. It counts as weird. Please tell me you didn't own that hat BEFORE this holiday, because I have a sneaking suspicion you did.
3/10
You scare me.
6/10
This girl is freezing cold (because it is Washington, in late Autumn, in the early morning), and she didn't think to bring a jacket or change of clothes. Do you know why? She "totally didn't plan to stay there" but her friends got too drunk and left her at a party because she was too drunk to walk and puked in someone's dishwasher. Probably she can't really walk because she slept half on a coffee table, half on the floor and lost a shoe.
Her pain makes me laugh even though her costume is boring.
7.5/10
 |
| Congrats on those boobs, by the way, those are RIDICULOUS. |
I have no comments. No matter what happened to her the previous night, even if she just fell asleep at a friend's house and isn't too hung over, seeing that costume walking around in the light of day? Priceless.
10/10
SEE?
This is fun. Try it sometime.
Moral of the story: Halloween is the most best holiday
Friday, October 21, 2011
Double Theory Day
Last week I was lazy, so I didn't do anything.
As an apology (and to make it up to you), I shall now present not one but TWO theories I have.
I am a great theorist.
So now you will be smarter if you read these and agree that they are right.
First:
The Horizontal Tango Theory
You have all danced, I assume.
So you all know how closely dancing is related to doin' it.
Case and point?
This whole movie (aka my 4th favorite movie of all time):
It's super low quality but that's what you get for associating with YouTube clips of movies.
Anyways, see how they start out dancing and immediately transition to boning?
So that part of the theory is proven.
But here is the rest of my theory, and pay attention because you might want to start tap lessons after this.
I believe that there is a correlation between your skills on the dance floor and your skills in the dark.
Here is an approximate graph.
Now, I made this myself, and I am terrible at math so bear with me while I explain it.
If you are bad at dancing you probably don't follow rhythm real well, can't adapt to a new beat or situation, and don't have one or two stand by moves that get the job done.
Those are three things that are super important to bed sheet shenanigans.
If you can just follow the beat you're half way there.
Then, being able to switch it up and follow the lead of your partner is important. If you can't adapt you get that awful thing where you're both doing different things and that gets really weird really quick.
Last, everyone has one or two things they do that they KNOW they're good at. Positions or acts or just a move that you do that people like. It gets a good response from the crowd, so to speak. If you have that when you dance, you'll never fail. Also, when you bone.
Now, we all see the drop off at the far end of the graph, right?
This is a phenomena known as The Douchey Too Good at Dancing Drop.
Where someone thinks they know how to do everything, and potentially do, but it is scary and you have no idea how to react to their moves.
This happens to me at Rumors all the time. There is a guy who is a very good dancer, and moves as if he is choreographed, but for any one even slightly below that level...how the hell do you react to that? You just move and flail and hope you don't get smacked in the eye by any flailing limbs.
If you are on the same extremely high level, then good, but if not...sex is awful when you can't possibly keep up.
So now you know. Good dancer = good doer
SECOND THEORY!
The Gay Eyes Postulation
I live in a city with many gay men.
I love it.
But occasionally there is a man where you can't quite tell whether he likes tacos or bratwurst for dinner.
So here is how I solve the problem!
It is called Gay Eyes!
Most gay men have a certain shape to their eyes, and I'm not even making this up, but it tends to be slanted and more feminine than straight dude eyes.
Check it:
As an apology (and to make it up to you), I shall now present not one but TWO theories I have.
I am a great theorist.
So now you will be smarter if you read these and agree that they are right.
First:
The Horizontal Tango Theory
You have all danced, I assume.
So you all know how closely dancing is related to doin' it.
Case and point?
This whole movie (aka my 4th favorite movie of all time):
It's super low quality but that's what you get for associating with YouTube clips of movies.
Anyways, see how they start out dancing and immediately transition to boning?
So that part of the theory is proven.
But here is the rest of my theory, and pay attention because you might want to start tap lessons after this.
I believe that there is a correlation between your skills on the dance floor and your skills in the dark.
Here is an approximate graph.
If you are bad at dancing you probably don't follow rhythm real well, can't adapt to a new beat or situation, and don't have one or two stand by moves that get the job done.
Those are three things that are super important to bed sheet shenanigans.
If you can just follow the beat you're half way there.
Then, being able to switch it up and follow the lead of your partner is important. If you can't adapt you get that awful thing where you're both doing different things and that gets really weird really quick.
Last, everyone has one or two things they do that they KNOW they're good at. Positions or acts or just a move that you do that people like. It gets a good response from the crowd, so to speak. If you have that when you dance, you'll never fail. Also, when you bone.
Now, we all see the drop off at the far end of the graph, right?
This is a phenomena known as The Douchey Too Good at Dancing Drop.
Where someone thinks they know how to do everything, and potentially do, but it is scary and you have no idea how to react to their moves.
This happens to me at Rumors all the time. There is a guy who is a very good dancer, and moves as if he is choreographed, but for any one even slightly below that level...how the hell do you react to that? You just move and flail and hope you don't get smacked in the eye by any flailing limbs.
If you are on the same extremely high level, then good, but if not...sex is awful when you can't possibly keep up.
So now you know. Good dancer = good doer
SECOND THEORY!
The Gay Eyes Postulation
I live in a city with many gay men.
I love it.
But occasionally there is a man where you can't quite tell whether he likes tacos or bratwurst for dinner.
So here is how I solve the problem!
It is called Gay Eyes!
Most gay men have a certain shape to their eyes, and I'm not even making this up, but it tends to be slanted and more feminine than straight dude eyes.
Check it:
Beautiful!
Seeing it straight on helps, right?
So there is a shape, at least to these three, and it is a pattern I stand by.
While I don't recommend google-ing "gay eyes" (it gets some weird...not related stuff), if you notice the eye shape of almost any gay man, you'll see that it holds true.
I admit that not every gay male has gay eyes, and not every man with gay eyes is gay, I think that the majority of the time it works.
It is an easy, instant way to check if you should hit on someone or not.
I use it everyday.
Moral of the story: I'm an asshole and like to make up theories about stuff. Hazah!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Going Nowhere
So it turns out I'm really good looking.
Much of my time overseas has been spent fending off the approaches of men.
I know! No one is surprised.
I thought I would recount some of the ridiculous instances of hitting-onery that have occurred.
Just a short, light post to make you laugh...maybe. I faced a bought of writer's block this week, so don't be too annoyed.
There was the night that three old guys standing in the shadows near a bar bought me a rose. They asked for me email address (what?) and said I would be a great mother.
Eew.
The time I was sitting on the steps of the Duomo (that's a church, by the way) in Florence, and two guys came up and asked me to take a photo for them. But, oh wait, the camera won't work, how funny! Hahaha, what's your name? Where are you from? You're very beautiful.
What?
All I wanted was to eat my gelato and now I'm being propositioned? It's two in the afternoon!
Go away...
But no, he didn't. He came to one of the bars later, but wasn't allowed in...so he just stood outside calling me until I came outside. Then I got scared and went away.
Oh, what about the time I was walking through the market and someone just yelled "You have beautiful lips!"
How do you respond to that?
Just...how?
Or maybe the time a waiter in Germany liked my "smile" and gave me dinner and drinks for free.
That was awesome.
Saved me 20 euro!
I think one of my favorite times was when I was walking with Ian and his parents, going from dinner to get gelato, and, while I was mid-conversation with his mom, a guy leans over and says "Hey, baby." I was walking past and didn't have time to react except to be weirded out.
Who does that?
I was obviously occupied and with people!
Where did he think that was going to go? I would stop walking and come back to chat with him?
The hell is that?
Moral of the story: Men are weird.
Much of my time overseas has been spent fending off the approaches of men.
I know! No one is surprised.
I thought I would recount some of the ridiculous instances of hitting-onery that have occurred.
Just a short, light post to make you laugh...maybe. I faced a bought of writer's block this week, so don't be too annoyed.
There was the night that three old guys standing in the shadows near a bar bought me a rose. They asked for me email address (what?) and said I would be a great mother.
Eew.
The time I was sitting on the steps of the Duomo (that's a church, by the way) in Florence, and two guys came up and asked me to take a photo for them. But, oh wait, the camera won't work, how funny! Hahaha, what's your name? Where are you from? You're very beautiful.
What?
All I wanted was to eat my gelato and now I'm being propositioned? It's two in the afternoon!
Go away...
But no, he didn't. He came to one of the bars later, but wasn't allowed in...so he just stood outside calling me until I came outside. Then I got scared and went away.
Oh, what about the time I was walking through the market and someone just yelled "You have beautiful lips!"
How do you respond to that?
Just...how?
Or maybe the time a waiter in Germany liked my "smile" and gave me dinner and drinks for free.
That was awesome.
Saved me 20 euro!
I think one of my favorite times was when I was walking with Ian and his parents, going from dinner to get gelato, and, while I was mid-conversation with his mom, a guy leans over and says "Hey, baby." I was walking past and didn't have time to react except to be weirded out.
Who does that?
I was obviously occupied and with people!
Where did he think that was going to go? I would stop walking and come back to chat with him?
The hell is that?
Moral of the story: Men are weird.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Together Forever
I am blessed with having a lot of friends. Like, A LOT of friends. Like, I'm really, really popular. Way more so than you.
Obviously.
Among my multitude of friends there are now and always will be a certain number of couples. I fully support people who are in relationships. If they want to be boring and weird, that's their prerogative.
There are lots of kinds of couples, though, and that is what we're going to discuss today.
ANNOYING TYPES OF COUPLES
We've all been there. Two people you know start dating, and sometimes it isn't terrible, but sometimes...it get's unmanageable.
Type 1:
The "On Again Off Again" Couple
We all have these friends- Oh you're dating, how nice. Wait, you're broken up? That sucks. So you're seeing him again? Oh, but you're not official? Now you're fighting? Now you're dating? Now you won't talk to him ever again? Now you're moving in together? Whaaaaa??"
This could happen over the course of a week, three weeks, a year, or seven years. God only knows.
The most difficult thing is keeping track of whether or not they are dating or broken up. You can't tell just by their annoyance levels because they are always upset in the relationship as well as out of it. So, fuck that. Also, when they are broken up, your instinct is to trash the ex. Of course. You want to make your friend feel better because they were just dating a major douchebag. So you say that, and of course when they get back together you have to pretend like you don't mind the guy or you never really meant it.
Ugh.
These couples are really awkward to deal with, and they tend to make the people around them VERY unhappy. Do. Not. Be. This. Couple.
Type 2:
The "Engaged After 3 Months" Couple
UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH STOP DOING THIS. You are welcome to get engaged, or married, if you so choose, but PLEASE if you insist on doing that don't get engaged instantly. It's just silly, and it is really weird.
"We're so connected."
"Why postpone the inevitable?"
"You can't fight love."
Awww, you're so dumb.
A girl I used to know got engaged half-way through freshman year of college to a guy she had been dating for...approximately a year.
OMG!
They fell apart about a four months later. Obviously.
That is what happens: you start dating and you're really into each other so you get engaged and then realize that...wait...you've known each other for three months and you're being RIDICULOUS.
Type 3:
The "Always Texting Never Together" Couple
Have you ever run into these people?
It's weird.
You know they're dating someone, it says so on their Facebook. They're not a long distance couple because that person also attends your university. So...why have you NEVER seen these people together? They are always texting each other, like, more than constantly texting. You know this because the last time you tried to hang out with this friend, there was a constant silence because they were always responding to texts and couldn't be bothered to take any focus from their phone.
Fuck. That.
Also this is just a really confusing couple because then you never know what is going on and don't really know the other half of the couple at all and that's kind of strange.
Right?
Type 4:
The "We Can't Spend Four Minutes Not Kissing and Cuddling So Fuck Your Appetite and Public Decency, Let's Make Out Right Here" Couple
I don't need to explain the horribleness of this couple.
I encountered one just last night. We were at a bar, drinking as always, and this couple could not stand to not be touching. They walked together, sat together, only talked to each other. They did that thing where they put their foreheads together and whispered and giggled to each other like they were sharing some sort of terribly annoying secret.
UGH.
They sat REALLY close together, half on top of each other, and kissed and blahblahblah. You can be affectionate, I am a fairly affectionate human being, but holding hands is fine for while you are out in public. You can kiss, that's okay, but kissing between every word is a little much.
I hate this couple.
It makes me want to barf.
Moral of the story: Cross your fingers that they break up forever
Obviously.
Among my multitude of friends there are now and always will be a certain number of couples. I fully support people who are in relationships. If they want to be boring and weird, that's their prerogative.
There are lots of kinds of couples, though, and that is what we're going to discuss today.
ANNOYING TYPES OF COUPLES
We've all been there. Two people you know start dating, and sometimes it isn't terrible, but sometimes...it get's unmanageable.
Type 1:
The "On Again Off Again" Couple
We all have these friends- Oh you're dating, how nice. Wait, you're broken up? That sucks. So you're seeing him again? Oh, but you're not official? Now you're fighting? Now you're dating? Now you won't talk to him ever again? Now you're moving in together? Whaaaaa??"
This could happen over the course of a week, three weeks, a year, or seven years. God only knows.
The most difficult thing is keeping track of whether or not they are dating or broken up. You can't tell just by their annoyance levels because they are always upset in the relationship as well as out of it. So, fuck that. Also, when they are broken up, your instinct is to trash the ex. Of course. You want to make your friend feel better because they were just dating a major douchebag. So you say that, and of course when they get back together you have to pretend like you don't mind the guy or you never really meant it.
Ugh.
These couples are really awkward to deal with, and they tend to make the people around them VERY unhappy. Do. Not. Be. This. Couple.
Type 2:
The "Engaged After 3 Months" Couple
"We're so connected."
"Why postpone the inevitable?"
"You can't fight love."
Awww, you're so dumb.
A girl I used to know got engaged half-way through freshman year of college to a guy she had been dating for...approximately a year.
OMG!
They fell apart about a four months later. Obviously.
That is what happens: you start dating and you're really into each other so you get engaged and then realize that...wait...you've known each other for three months and you're being RIDICULOUS.
Type 3:
The "Always Texting Never Together" Couple
Have you ever run into these people?
It's weird.
You know they're dating someone, it says so on their Facebook. They're not a long distance couple because that person also attends your university. So...why have you NEVER seen these people together? They are always texting each other, like, more than constantly texting. You know this because the last time you tried to hang out with this friend, there was a constant silence because they were always responding to texts and couldn't be bothered to take any focus from their phone.
Fuck. That.
Also this is just a really confusing couple because then you never know what is going on and don't really know the other half of the couple at all and that's kind of strange.
Right?
Type 4:
The "We Can't Spend Four Minutes Not Kissing and Cuddling So Fuck Your Appetite and Public Decency, Let's Make Out Right Here" Couple
I don't need to explain the horribleness of this couple.
I encountered one just last night. We were at a bar, drinking as always, and this couple could not stand to not be touching. They walked together, sat together, only talked to each other. They did that thing where they put their foreheads together and whispered and giggled to each other like they were sharing some sort of terribly annoying secret.
UGH.
They sat REALLY close together, half on top of each other, and kissed and blahblahblah. You can be affectionate, I am a fairly affectionate human being, but holding hands is fine for while you are out in public. You can kiss, that's okay, but kissing between every word is a little much.
I hate this couple.
It makes me want to barf.
Moral of the story: Cross your fingers that they break up forever
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