Skanky Club Sex

As you well know, I recently took a grad trip/spring break to Vegas, the motherland for badass beautiful ladies like myself.

We DROVE down there, which was fun but also took 20 hours and I wanted to die.
The main problem we faced was that this is approximately what the drive looked like:

Beautiful, endless, shrub desert of boringness and mostly in the dark, so even worse.
20 hours later, and LOTS of pee breaks, we arrived.
VICTORY.
We stayed in the Luxor:

 

And that was delightful. We were right behind the sphynx!

So here is the main point of the post: one night we went to the club inside the Luxor, LAX.
It was a lot of fun, because, pro-tip, as a lady in Vegas you don't need to pay cover to get in to clubs and you often don't have to pay for drinks. If you wander around during the day bouncer/club promoter guys will approach you and offer you these wrist band things that get you in ahead of the line and for free and usually come with a "all you can drink vodka drinks until midnight or 1" deal.

Awesome, right?
There we are, on the dance floor, bobbing along to Ke$ha, and we glance up.
Now, in LAX, there is a balcony that hangs halfway over the dance floor so that people who pay a lot of money can dance up there above all us cheap plebeians.

Above us we see two people dancing. Sure, nothing normal about that...oh wait...her dress is hiked up above her hips. Maybe one of her friends should tell her, she probably doesn't know...oh wait...the dude she is dancing with is doing that intentionally and she is obviously in to it.
Now he is dipping a little too low for just normal grinding...
Now she is putting her leg up on to part of the railing and...
Wait...
Did she just reach between her legs to adjust something...
Is...
Are they...
MOTHER OF GOD

Yes, indeed, they are having sex.

She is waving at the crowd as we all stare up in horror and shock, and keeps reaching down to push "it" back in and OH  MY GOD THEY ARE NOT DOING IT AT AN ANGLE THAT WOULD WORK FOR VAGINAL INTERCOURSE
THERE IS BUTT SEX OCCURRING DIRECTLY ABOVE US

Abort mission.
Abort Vegas.
What the what the what?

I am not exaggerating. Butt sex. Balcony. Over a dance floor. Waving. Skanky.

How do you do that?
What the hell is wrong with your friends that they said, "Oh, Jessica is doing it with a dude up against the balcony right now, rock on."
How does that reflect on you? Or your parents?
I understand making out and heavy petting and even bathroom sex, but...that's a real stretch.

Needless to say it was the highlight/low light of the trip.


Moral of the story: At least you won't have to worry about getting pregnant?

Call me Mary, B.A.

Today is the day I graduate from college. As you read (if you are reading it on Saturday the 17th of March 2012 between the hours of 10am and 11.30am PST) I am sitting in my commencement ceremony about to receive my Bachelor's degree.
Not even bachelor, like, single guy, but bachelor like...college.

So I thought I'd take this opportunity to recap my college experience:

Classes, drinking, bros, Italy, blogs, Mexico, more drinking, pizza, roadtrips, papers, being dorky in the library, sandwiches, Vegas.

Easy.


College has been pretty great, and I think everyone can agree that it is a great time. It's also an opportunity to mature and figure out, hopefully, where you're headed in life. Not everyone goes to school for what they end up doing, and no everyone ends up doing what they went to school for.

I think what's most important is that you have a goal or dream or destination, and you put yourself in line to get there.


Also important, for everyone to note, is that today is also St. Patrick's Day.


So, HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY, YA WEE LITTLE HARLOTS!


I hope you do like I do: drink a little too much, see some good friends, and feel like a god damn winner.


Moral of the story: I'm an adult now...so does that mean I have to wear pants?

I'm Not Your Babe, Darling

Pet names are a corner stone of public couple interactions. Some of them are very cute, and some of them are really dumb and annoying.

I found this list which somehow contains 101 "fun, romantic" pet names for your boyf/girlf.

It also happens to contain about 93 stupid and cliched pet names too.

We're going to discuss my least favorite and preferred pet names.

So my list of least favorite pet names starts with

"Sugar Daddy/Sugar Momma" - This just seems to reduce your relationship to materialism and money. Perhaps it is just because I associate these pet names with gold diggers and cougar hunters, and people who are in relationships solely to get gifts and perks out of it. Shallow.

"Baby/Babe" - I know these are some of the most common pet names, but they just aren't my favorite. Probably because, with most couples, you always hear "Oh babe, I love you babe, you're the best babe, oh baby!" Boring sauce. Also, do you want to associate the person you're boning with this?

 

I thought not.

"Object of my affection" - I think that calling your significant other an object isn't the best idea. Maybe. Why not call them...literally anything else?

I obviously don't disagree with anyone's right to call their bonage buddy whatever they want, some people prefer Baby or Stud Muffin or things I find stupid. That's okay. But I know that there are a lot of people preparing to woo me, and they should just know, ahead of time, what to call me and what not to call me.

I tend to prefer pet names like "Darling," or "Sweetheart," or "Honey." I appreciate sweet themed things, because you are literally "sweet" on someone, so calling them "honey" or "sugar" or whatever and that is cute to me. Also, "Darling" sounds classy and adorable.

Also acceptable are marine life themed pet names!

If you are dating a woman, I suggest
Hagfish
Sperm whale
Gulper Eel
Angel Fish
Octopussy


For a man I might recommend
Humpback
MAN-ta Ray
Kraken/Cthulu
Sperm whale (it's unisex, that's U 'n' I sex!)
Barri-cute-a

Moral of the story: pet names are not just for pets.