The Greatest Mistake A Human Being Can Make

We've come to it.
The topic I've been stewing about for weeks.
Now I must write the post to end all posts.
Yes, reader(s), we've reached that point: hickies.

A hickey is, perhaps, the least attractive mark you can leave on a person.
They're fucking gross.

 

Someone try to convince me that this isn't super yucky.

Go ahead, try it. 

It is as if you got punched by a baby and its tiny, evil fists gave you weird little bruises. 

I know that everyone gets them at some point, and some people get a lot of them, and so I guess one major concern is not only how gross and ugly they are (and how they would mandate the wearing of a turtleneck mid-summer), but also how they are completely unacceptable beyond sophomore year of high school.

If you're going to suck on someone's neck for that long, shouldn't you be doing something more interesting? Just suctioning on them like an octopus fighting for its food is not sexy or efficient. It's boring. Also, don't stay in one place that long, and if you're not there for a while then you're sucking too hard. One or the other and neither is fun.

I would say that they're in bad taste all the time, but you need a couple years worth of learning curve so you know what intensity/length causes that sort of mark. 

Sophomore year of high school.

No older.

You know who gets hickies? 

People like this. 

Do you want to be like this kid?

NO

Of course you don't. 

That's gross and terrible.

You're an adult! 

If you insist on ruining my life, then you can at least leave a hickey somewhere more interesting than my neck, like I just got bitten by a vampire without his dentures in.

ALSO, have you ever gotten a hickey that is legitimately painful?

It sucks!

And you can't even pretend it's a burn from your straightener, because it's purple and shaped like your sex buddy's face hole. 

Moral of the story: Hickies are disgusting, stop letting them be a thing.