Skanky Club Sex

As you well know, I recently took a grad trip/spring break to Vegas, the motherland for badass beautiful ladies like myself.

We DROVE down there, which was fun but also took 20 hours and I wanted to die.
The main problem we faced was that this is approximately what the drive looked like:

Beautiful, endless, shrub desert of boringness and mostly in the dark, so even worse.
20 hours later, and LOTS of pee breaks, we arrived.
VICTORY.
We stayed in the Luxor:

 

And that was delightful. We were right behind the sphynx!

So here is the main point of the post: one night we went to the club inside the Luxor, LAX.
It was a lot of fun, because, pro-tip, as a lady in Vegas you don't need to pay cover to get in to clubs and you often don't have to pay for drinks. If you wander around during the day bouncer/club promoter guys will approach you and offer you these wrist band things that get you in ahead of the line and for free and usually come with a "all you can drink vodka drinks until midnight or 1" deal.

Awesome, right?
There we are, on the dance floor, bobbing along to Ke$ha, and we glance up.
Now, in LAX, there is a balcony that hangs halfway over the dance floor so that people who pay a lot of money can dance up there above all us cheap plebeians.

Above us we see two people dancing. Sure, nothing normal about that...oh wait...her dress is hiked up above her hips. Maybe one of her friends should tell her, she probably doesn't know...oh wait...the dude she is dancing with is doing that intentionally and she is obviously in to it.
Now he is dipping a little too low for just normal grinding...
Now she is putting her leg up on to part of the railing and...
Wait...
Did she just reach between her legs to adjust something...
Is...
Are they...
MOTHER OF GOD

Yes, indeed, they are having sex.

She is waving at the crowd as we all stare up in horror and shock, and keeps reaching down to push "it" back in and OH  MY GOD THEY ARE NOT DOING IT AT AN ANGLE THAT WOULD WORK FOR VAGINAL INTERCOURSE
THERE IS BUTT SEX OCCURRING DIRECTLY ABOVE US

Abort mission.
Abort Vegas.
What the what the what?

I am not exaggerating. Butt sex. Balcony. Over a dance floor. Waving. Skanky.

How do you do that?
What the hell is wrong with your friends that they said, "Oh, Jessica is doing it with a dude up against the balcony right now, rock on."
How does that reflect on you? Or your parents?
I understand making out and heavy petting and even bathroom sex, but...that's a real stretch.

Needless to say it was the highlight/low light of the trip.


Moral of the story: At least you won't have to worry about getting pregnant?

The Greatest Mistake A Human Being Can Make

We've come to it.
The topic I've been stewing about for weeks.
Now I must write the post to end all posts.
Yes, reader(s), we've reached that point: hickies.

A hickey is, perhaps, the least attractive mark you can leave on a person.
They're fucking gross.

 

Someone try to convince me that this isn't super yucky.

Go ahead, try it. 

It is as if you got punched by a baby and its tiny, evil fists gave you weird little bruises. 

I know that everyone gets them at some point, and some people get a lot of them, and so I guess one major concern is not only how gross and ugly they are (and how they would mandate the wearing of a turtleneck mid-summer), but also how they are completely unacceptable beyond sophomore year of high school.

If you're going to suck on someone's neck for that long, shouldn't you be doing something more interesting? Just suctioning on them like an octopus fighting for its food is not sexy or efficient. It's boring. Also, don't stay in one place that long, and if you're not there for a while then you're sucking too hard. One or the other and neither is fun.

I would say that they're in bad taste all the time, but you need a couple years worth of learning curve so you know what intensity/length causes that sort of mark. 

Sophomore year of high school.

No older.

You know who gets hickies? 

People like this. 

Do you want to be like this kid?

NO

Of course you don't. 

That's gross and terrible.

You're an adult! 

If you insist on ruining my life, then you can at least leave a hickey somewhere more interesting than my neck, like I just got bitten by a vampire without his dentures in.

ALSO, have you ever gotten a hickey that is legitimately painful?

It sucks!

And you can't even pretend it's a burn from your straightener, because it's purple and shaped like your sex buddy's face hole. 

Moral of the story: Hickies are disgusting, stop letting them be a thing.

Seriously Guys, What The Hell?

I was trying to enjoy a beer. Just one beer...well, one pitcher of beer. Alison had been convinced to join me at the local bar The Up & Up. The Up is not, I repeat, NOT the kind of bar you hit on people at. It's all booths and tables and full of groups of friends.
It's like the Cheers bar but better because no one is sad and we're all a lot younger.
So, we're sitting at one of the booths along the wall, minding our pint. In walks not one, not two, for fourteen girls all in black minidresses and heels. Then, from among them, appears a girl in white.
It's a fucking bachelorette party.
A huge, loud, stupid bachelorette party with several older attendees (at least three women over or around forty) and the rest all looked like late twenty-somesthings who were going nowhere in life.
There was a lot of screaming.
And a lot of old lady butt getting bounced around near our table.
Even older women like to lez out at bars.
What the hell, guys?

We wanted to try and get out fast so I made Alison drink the last of my beer and we were going to get the hell out when, of course, a dude approaches.
Of course.
He stood by our table for a minute, just yackin' and then sat down to talk with us.
Joy. Of. Joys.
The gentleman was very drunk. But that didn't stop him from talking, or managing to get a friend over so he could talk too!

Here's the break down of our two lovely suitors:
Alison's guy:
firefighter
graduated computer science major
30
has a child, who is with him five days a week but whose mother lives in Mexico so WHERE THE HELL IS THAT KID FOR THE OTHER TWO DAYS OF THE WEEK?
has, apparently, a long standing warrant for his arrest here in Bellingham so he's turning himself in to jail come morning
and, of course, he's "really good at sex" and "all his girlfriends keep crawling back to him because he's so great and they want to do him all the time." Right.
My guy:
fisherman
no college degree
27 or 28
has some big plan to go into real estate...or something
is really into being a buddhist
his lama is an old white guy with a ponytail
they met in prison
yeah, this dude went to prison, and I'm pretty sure it was for murdering his fiancee.
Evidence, you request?
He had a tattoo for her, and when I expressed sympathy he responded "it's actually the best way to break up with someone, you have total closure."

ABORT MISSION.

As you can tell, Alison and I attract really high quality guys.

Moral of the story: do NOT hit on me if you've been to jail. Thanks.

Tallywackers

This may come as kind of a surprise to you guys, but dicks are SO weird.
Seriously, have you ever really looked at one?-especially the flaccid ones. It's like when someone is born with an extra finger except it has not bones and it's just there being weird and making for uncomfortable conversation.
Eeew.
Testicles are super gross too. Wrinkly, floppy, ugly...and WAAAAAAY too sensitive. You can't go near them without potentially ruining everything. One wrong move and he is dry heaving in the corner, crying, and you're just confused and weirded out.
You know what makes the whole situation even worse?
Pubic hair.
Fuck pubic hair.
Ever had one stuck in your teeth? Gross. Horrifying. If that shit isn't kept in check it's like a weird, scratchy forest. I do, however, appreciate the recent recognition that men also have to keep it tidy and trimmed. Up until a couple years ago guys didn't really make that connection and while girls were expected to fuckin' shave patterns into theirs, guys didn't have to reciprocate. Thank god that has changed.

To illustrate just how weird dongs are, I'm going to tell a story:

I one knew a girl who never got nooky. At a party one night, after a 3 year dry spell (or some horrendous long time) a boy was drunk enough that he wanted to hook up with her. She was convinced to at least give him head. Then she did. Half way through, she puked on him.
YEAH.
She puked on him.
Now, it might have been her drunkness, or it might have been a gag reflex, but until I know different I am going to assume it was because of how horrible weird schlongs are and if you aren't around them fairly often it can become traumatizing to get your face that close to one, especially without any sort of warm up activity (like watching SAW are something, ya' know...so you're prepared for the horror).

I'm not saying I don't like man bits, obviously that isn't the case. And I'm not saying that a lady's love nest is a work of art (oh GOD no), and I'm not saying there aren't some really handsome trouser snakes out there, but I am saying that, no matter how much you dress it up, cocks are really weird.

Moral of the story: Who thought those were a good idea?