Skanky Club Sex

As you well know, I recently took a grad trip/spring break to Vegas, the motherland for badass beautiful ladies like myself.

We DROVE down there, which was fun but also took 20 hours and I wanted to die.
The main problem we faced was that this is approximately what the drive looked like:

Beautiful, endless, shrub desert of boringness and mostly in the dark, so even worse.
20 hours later, and LOTS of pee breaks, we arrived.
VICTORY.
We stayed in the Luxor:

 

And that was delightful. We were right behind the sphynx!

So here is the main point of the post: one night we went to the club inside the Luxor, LAX.
It was a lot of fun, because, pro-tip, as a lady in Vegas you don't need to pay cover to get in to clubs and you often don't have to pay for drinks. If you wander around during the day bouncer/club promoter guys will approach you and offer you these wrist band things that get you in ahead of the line and for free and usually come with a "all you can drink vodka drinks until midnight or 1" deal.

Awesome, right?
There we are, on the dance floor, bobbing along to Ke$ha, and we glance up.
Now, in LAX, there is a balcony that hangs halfway over the dance floor so that people who pay a lot of money can dance up there above all us cheap plebeians.

Above us we see two people dancing. Sure, nothing normal about that...oh wait...her dress is hiked up above her hips. Maybe one of her friends should tell her, she probably doesn't know...oh wait...the dude she is dancing with is doing that intentionally and she is obviously in to it.
Now he is dipping a little too low for just normal grinding...
Now she is putting her leg up on to part of the railing and...
Wait...
Did she just reach between her legs to adjust something...
Is...
Are they...
MOTHER OF GOD

Yes, indeed, they are having sex.

She is waving at the crowd as we all stare up in horror and shock, and keeps reaching down to push "it" back in and OH  MY GOD THEY ARE NOT DOING IT AT AN ANGLE THAT WOULD WORK FOR VAGINAL INTERCOURSE
THERE IS BUTT SEX OCCURRING DIRECTLY ABOVE US

Abort mission.
Abort Vegas.
What the what the what?

I am not exaggerating. Butt sex. Balcony. Over a dance floor. Waving. Skanky.

How do you do that?
What the hell is wrong with your friends that they said, "Oh, Jessica is doing it with a dude up against the balcony right now, rock on."
How does that reflect on you? Or your parents?
I understand making out and heavy petting and even bathroom sex, but...that's a real stretch.

Needless to say it was the highlight/low light of the trip.


Moral of the story: At least you won't have to worry about getting pregnant?

Your First Line of Defense

There are a lot of things I'm good, well, there are a few things I'm good at, okay, there is at least one thing I am good at.

That thing is called "bitch face."

Bitch Face is when your face makes you seem like you're a bitch, but not just that, it makes the opposite sex not want to approach you in any way at all ever.

You don't just seem like a bitch, because some dudes are in to that, no, you're giving off this vibe like "If you talk to me I will introduce your face to my fist, and they will not get along well."

It is a well documented thing, and here are some examples:

Posh goes more for the "What the fuck are you doing, bitch?" Bitch Face. This one is most useful if you are already being approached by a guy or talked to and you don't want to find the words to make him go away.

This girl just has constant Bitch Face on this show, and maybe in real life too, and this is a great example of it. Straight mouth, no hint of a smile, tense jaw, and very slightly furrowed brow to imply that their very presence on this earth is an unending nuisance to you.

Selma's is showing us the classes drunk Bitch Face. You're a little frazzled at the end of the night and you end up just staring blankly and kind of sneering at the person. Then you leave.

Bitch Face can come about in one of several ways; some people are born with it, and their neutral face is bitchy looking. Where some people always smile or always look sad, some people just look bitchy. Some people can acquired the Bitch Face through years of practice, if they're lucky and study under a master. Some people get that way when they've been drinking, or under special circumstances, but it isn't their natural face.

Bitch Face has a lot of practical uses too: it helps keep gross bar fly boys at bay, it helps you get across campus quickly, it helps to keep people from asking you for help all the stupid time, it means you get left alone.

It can also be a curse since that means no one really wants to approach you. So when you do see a guy you want to have hit on you, pull out your best smile.

 Then you'll really dazzle them.

It can happen though, that if you have Bitch Face you end up standing around while your friends get hit on or danced with, and you just get annoyed and your Bitch Face gets more dramatic so people are even less inclined to approach you. Vicious cycle, guys.

Moral of the story: Bitch Face works...maybe too much.

Together Forever

I am blessed with having a lot of friends. Like, A LOT of friends. Like, I'm really, really popular. Way more so than you.

Obviously.

Among my multitude of friends there are now and always will be a certain number of couples. I fully support people who are in relationships. If they want to be boring and weird, that's their prerogative.
There are lots of kinds of couples, though, and that is what we're going to discuss today.

ANNOYING TYPES OF COUPLES

We've all been there. Two people you know start dating, and sometimes it isn't terrible, but sometimes...it get's unmanageable.

Type 1:

The "On Again Off Again" Couple

We all have these friends- Oh you're dating, how nice. Wait, you're broken up? That sucks. So you're seeing him again? Oh, but you're not official? Now you're fighting? Now you're dating? Now you won't talk to him ever again? Now you're moving in together? Whaaaaa??"
This could happen over the course of a week, three weeks, a year, or seven years. God only knows.
The most difficult thing is keeping track of whether or not they are dating or broken up. You can't tell just by their annoyance levels because they are always upset in the relationship as well as out of it. So, fuck that. Also, when they are broken up, your instinct is to trash the ex. Of course. You want to make your friend feel better because they were just dating a major douchebag. So you say that, and of course when they get back together you have to pretend like you don't mind the guy or you never really meant it.
Ugh.
These couples are really awkward to deal with, and they tend to make the people around them VERY unhappy. Do. Not. Be. This. Couple.

Type 2:

The "Engaged After 3 Months" Couple

UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH STOP DOING THIS. You are welcome to get engaged, or married, if you so choose, but PLEASE if you insist on doing that don't get engaged instantly. It's just silly, and it is really weird.
"We're so connected."
"Why postpone the inevitable?"
"You can't fight love."
Awww, you're so dumb.
A girl I used to know got engaged half-way through freshman year of college to a guy she had been dating for...approximately a year.
OMG!
They fell apart about a four months later. Obviously.
That is what happens: you start dating and you're really into each other so you get engaged and then realize that...wait...you've known each other for three months and you're being RIDICULOUS.

Type 3:

The "Always Texting Never Together" Couple

Have you ever run into these people?
It's weird.
You know they're dating someone, it says so on their Facebook. They're not a long distance couple because that person also attends your university. So...why have you NEVER seen these people together? They are always texting each other, like, more than constantly texting. You know this because the last time you tried to hang out with this friend, there was a constant silence because they were always responding to texts and couldn't be bothered to take any focus from their phone.
Fuck. That.
Also this is just a really confusing couple because then you never know what is going on and don't really know the other half of the couple at all and that's kind of strange.
Right?

Type 4:

The "We Can't Spend Four Minutes Not Kissing and Cuddling So Fuck Your Appetite and Public Decency, Let's Make Out Right Here" Couple

I don't need to explain the horribleness of this couple.
I encountered one just last night. We were at a bar, drinking as always, and this couple could not stand to not be touching. They walked together, sat together, only talked to each other. They did that thing where they put their foreheads together and whispered and giggled to each other like they were sharing some sort of terribly annoying secret.
UGH.
They sat REALLY close together, half on top of each other, and kissed and blahblahblah. You can be affectionate, I am a fairly affectionate human being, but holding hands is fine for while you are out in public. You can kiss, that's okay, but kissing between every word is a little much.
I hate this couple.
It makes me want to barf.

Moral of the story: Cross your fingers that they break up forever