How To: 6

How To Have The Best Night Of Your Life (So Far)

This past week took me from my sleepy college town to the polite, beautiful city of Vancouver, BC.

We went up on a Friday evening in order to spend the night celebrating the day of birth of my bro Alison, who you have all read so much about.
Technically it wasn't her birthday, but this was as close as we could get.

We had a lot of fun in the 'Coov and it reminded that I need to teach you how to have a great night.

It's just a few simple steps:

1) Make Sure You Feel Pretty
It's pretty well documented that it is hard to enjoy yourself when you're having an ugly day. If you are trying to go out on the town but you feel fat or have a big zit or your hair is weird, you're going to be too self conscious to enjoy yourself. At least that happens to me. You end up putting out a weird vibe. So this doesn't mean you can't still go out and see your friends, it just means you'll be off your game.

2) Have A Back-Up Plan
Fuck knows what could happen. For us, it meant that the 2 or 3 clubs we had in mind to go to were having shows that night and cover was crazy so we couldn't/didn't want to go in. So we just went to the big club and bar area and walked around until a place offered to let us in for free. Easy. It could mean that you have another happy hour option or you know of an after hour jazz club to go to or a restaurant that won't kick you out for being too drunk. Have an option or meet someone who does.

3) Be With Friends
The best way to enjoy yourself is to make sure you are surrounded by people you enjoy: friends who like the things you like, or who you can trust with your sloppiest drunk self, or who are just fun and motivate you to be fun too. You can go out with strangers and meet up with people along the way, certainly, but I don't recommend going out alone.

4) Always Say Yes
This doesn't mean "say yes to every lady/dude who wants your junk," but it does mean "say yes to adventure or to that next club or to that group of weird British dudes who want to take you to poutine at 4AM." Do you know what poutine is?  It's french fries, cheese curd, and gravy.

It looks like barf! But is apparently delicious. People make claims, I guess, but I'm not a french fry person, really, so that's a thing. BUT, some British guys we met on the street offered to buy us poutine so that happened for us. It turned out to be a highlight of the night because one of them got in a fist fight with the vendor. OVER POUTINE! If we hadn't gone with them we never would have had that experience, so it is a good thing we said yes.

Saying yes can be a really good thing, and it can get you a lot of fun stuff. Say yes to dancing with someone, or to that drink he wants to buy you, or to that limo ride to Denny's. Maybe don't say yes to that guy in the van or to that drink with a roofie in it, or to that cop when he asks if you're in the country illegally, but within reason, always say yes.

With these four steps in mind I think you guys can really take it from drab to fab!

Moral of the story: Every night can be the best night!

Your First Line of Defense

There are a lot of things I'm good, well, there are a few things I'm good at, okay, there is at least one thing I am good at.

That thing is called "bitch face."

Bitch Face is when your face makes you seem like you're a bitch, but not just that, it makes the opposite sex not want to approach you in any way at all ever.

You don't just seem like a bitch, because some dudes are in to that, no, you're giving off this vibe like "If you talk to me I will introduce your face to my fist, and they will not get along well."

It is a well documented thing, and here are some examples:

Posh goes more for the "What the fuck are you doing, bitch?" Bitch Face. This one is most useful if you are already being approached by a guy or talked to and you don't want to find the words to make him go away.

This girl just has constant Bitch Face on this show, and maybe in real life too, and this is a great example of it. Straight mouth, no hint of a smile, tense jaw, and very slightly furrowed brow to imply that their very presence on this earth is an unending nuisance to you.

Selma's is showing us the classes drunk Bitch Face. You're a little frazzled at the end of the night and you end up just staring blankly and kind of sneering at the person. Then you leave.

Bitch Face can come about in one of several ways; some people are born with it, and their neutral face is bitchy looking. Where some people always smile or always look sad, some people just look bitchy. Some people can acquired the Bitch Face through years of practice, if they're lucky and study under a master. Some people get that way when they've been drinking, or under special circumstances, but it isn't their natural face.

Bitch Face has a lot of practical uses too: it helps keep gross bar fly boys at bay, it helps you get across campus quickly, it helps to keep people from asking you for help all the stupid time, it means you get left alone.

It can also be a curse since that means no one really wants to approach you. So when you do see a guy you want to have hit on you, pull out your best smile.

 Then you'll really dazzle them.

It can happen though, that if you have Bitch Face you end up standing around while your friends get hit on or danced with, and you just get annoyed and your Bitch Face gets more dramatic so people are even less inclined to approach you. Vicious cycle, guys.

Moral of the story: Bitch Face works...maybe too much.

How To: 4

Seducin'

Some of you probably aren't great at getting laid (you know who you are). So I am going to give you some tips on how to knock boots...or how to get the opportunity, anyways. Actual advice on wiener-works is a much later "How To."

We've already covered how to transition into relationships (it was pretty simple advice, if you don't remember it...you might be a moron), so this is more advice on getting into physical relationships, not really emotional ones. I have a friend trying to get on a guy, and she's having problems with the idea of just saying it. He's easily made nervous by girls and so I've compiled a list of a few things I think will help warm someone up to the idea of being with you. It's a good idea to use these to get them in the sack and then figure out where you two want to go.

Usually, for ladies, it's just a matter of being flirty and available and near the guy. But say you have a guy you are into who is less easy? What do you do?

All these tips can be applied to the seduction of gentlemen OR ladies, and require more effort than being drunk and in a bar.

1- Figure out which is your best feature and emphasis it. Or them, if you are like me and have several. Be careful though, only really show off 1 or 2 at a time. If you have great lips and eyes and legs and boobs, then wearing a low-cute shirt, short skirt, a lot of lipstick and eyeliner is going to scoot you over the line from pretty so...eewie. It's the difference between Mila Kunis and Courtney Love.

2- Make eye contact and smile. Is your bitch talking? Focus up. Look at 'em, smile, be interested (or fake it, whatever), and, occasionally, nod or something. If they feel like you are interested in them, they'll be interested in you.

C- Make some physical contact. This is a good move I use a lot. He's talking, we're making eye contact, I smile, and he says something funny. I touch his arm and laugh.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Now he's all tingly and conscious of my magical touchy hands. Booyah.
A variation is to brush hands on accident (oops!) or Gentlemen, put your hand on the small of her back as you walk through crowds.
Keep this up. Little bits of contact will build up a 'this isn't weird' thing in their mind. It is strange to go from no contact at all to nekkid rubbing and these will bridge the gap.

4- Give them some compliments. Tell that bitch he looks nice today, or he's funny. Or you like his hair. Or he's smart. Whatever you have to say, say it. A compliment a day/every time you hang out. Too many sounds insincere though, if you can't think of something, don't make it up...or do. If you say nice things they'll start to associate you with feeling good about themselves and that is a great way to get them on your business.*

5- Evolution of Hanging Out. Go from large groups to small groups to 1-on-1 hang outs. It'll build you closer together and will give you opportunities.

6- Speaking of Opportunities, Find Yours. You have to find the right time to pounce. If you've followed the steps and see they're responding positively, this shouldn't be an issue. Just take advantage of walking them home from the bars. Or if you are watching a movie. Or if you're having a naked tickle fight. Find your time.

There. Now you have an easy little reference guide for when you are trying to get someone to bone you and just don't know how to go about it.

*-This is a warning to all of you: "The Mystery Method" is for douchebags. It's that thing where you insult someone a little bit in order to make them want you. I don't care if it works for him. Those are skanks and any real person will see through that and be annoyed. Also, just look at him. If his face wasn't far away, I'd punch him. Hard.




Moral of the story: Go get 'em, tiger. You can do it!

How To: 3

Transitioning!

Starting a relationship can be tricky. It can be hard to know or notice when you cross the line from friends to...more than friends Also what do you call the middle ground? It's that point where you hang out all the time and like each other and (potentially) have kissed or slept together but you just don't know if you're dating or sleeping together or if you're actually still just friends. You know how YOU feel but have no idea where the other person is coming from or where they want to go.
Very tricky.
I'm going to call it: Frating.
Yeah, you read me: Frating. Friends/Dating. Frating. For the in-between times!
But also it sucks.
If you don't move quickly and decisively you could end up in the friend zone. We've all heard about it and I'm sure some of you have been in it.

Critical situation, guys, because the friend zone is where love and opportunity go to die.

It's like falling off a cliff or into a Sarlacc Pit; you can climb out but unless you have Han Solo on your side it's unlikely and nearly impossible.

Falling to the friend zone usually (and painfully) occurs when two people are super close and have having one-sided (or mutual) feelings but ignore it and continue along just hoping the other does something about it, but neither does anything...so they end up hurt and feeling rejected. Then someone moves on and it sucks EVEN more.
It is very east to end up here. VERY EASY. People, especially girls, like to wait for someone else to do everything, especially when it comes to romance. It's the knight in shining armor syndrome.
Stupid whores.

Before we get too worried about the friend zone, let's get back on track and discuss frating and how to move out of it and into an actual stage of a relationship.
People are always coming to me and asking for transition advice. Here are some examples and let's see if you can find the pattern:
1) A Girl and a Boy hang out almost every day of the week and text all the time and he really likes her and then they make out one day. He comes to me and asks "What do I do?"
Do you want to date her?
Do you want to just be friends?
Tell her.

2) A Girl and a Boy chat sometimes, but not too much, and then sleep together. They are friendly but not really friends and neither has any real interest in dating or even being friends with benefits, but they both think the other really wants a repeat or a relationship. What do they do?
Tell each other what you want.

3) A Girl and a Boy both really like each other and they're oh-so-scared of risking their friendship but-
OH MY GOD, do you not see the pattern yet?

Tell them.
Transitioning is just like a hostage situation: you don't just fuck around and hope someone sends you two million dollars. You have to make your demands known.

Once upon a time I claimed that relationships are like bank heists, but now my theory is more fully fledged. Transitioning, relationships, bank heists, hostage situations...they all need the same basic thing to function. Communication!

I know it's hard (yeah I did) and it can get awkward, but an uncomfortable ten minutes is better than two horrible weeks (or more).  I'd love to be able to tell you it always works out...but it doesn't. Sometimes you want to date someone and they just want to be friends and that sucks. Sometimes someone wants to be your nighttime friend and all you wanna do is watch movies together.
Awkward.
BUT way better to talk about it than to just sit around moping and hoping.

Moral of the story: Talk about it...or else you end up being digested for a 1000 years.