Your First Line of Defense

There are a lot of things I'm good, well, there are a few things I'm good at, okay, there is at least one thing I am good at.

That thing is called "bitch face."

Bitch Face is when your face makes you seem like you're a bitch, but not just that, it makes the opposite sex not want to approach you in any way at all ever.

You don't just seem like a bitch, because some dudes are in to that, no, you're giving off this vibe like "If you talk to me I will introduce your face to my fist, and they will not get along well."

It is a well documented thing, and here are some examples:

Posh goes more for the "What the fuck are you doing, bitch?" Bitch Face. This one is most useful if you are already being approached by a guy or talked to and you don't want to find the words to make him go away.

This girl just has constant Bitch Face on this show, and maybe in real life too, and this is a great example of it. Straight mouth, no hint of a smile, tense jaw, and very slightly furrowed brow to imply that their very presence on this earth is an unending nuisance to you.

Selma's is showing us the classes drunk Bitch Face. You're a little frazzled at the end of the night and you end up just staring blankly and kind of sneering at the person. Then you leave.

Bitch Face can come about in one of several ways; some people are born with it, and their neutral face is bitchy looking. Where some people always smile or always look sad, some people just look bitchy. Some people can acquired the Bitch Face through years of practice, if they're lucky and study under a master. Some people get that way when they've been drinking, or under special circumstances, but it isn't their natural face.

Bitch Face has a lot of practical uses too: it helps keep gross bar fly boys at bay, it helps you get across campus quickly, it helps to keep people from asking you for help all the stupid time, it means you get left alone.

It can also be a curse since that means no one really wants to approach you. So when you do see a guy you want to have hit on you, pull out your best smile.

 Then you'll really dazzle them.

It can happen though, that if you have Bitch Face you end up standing around while your friends get hit on or danced with, and you just get annoyed and your Bitch Face gets more dramatic so people are even less inclined to approach you. Vicious cycle, guys.

Moral of the story: Bitch Face works...maybe too much.

Vegas Is My Dreamworld

In March I am graduating college, and as a treat to myself and the world I am going to Las Vegas for 3 days and 4 nights. As part of this trip, I am, of course, encouraging Alison to make as many or more bad decisions than anyone else. Part of this requires me to come up with theorems to support my incredible genius.

I'm going to share them with you, so you can apply them to your future trips.

We begin with the Puke Point Proposal (PPP).
So you start out sober, as seen on this image which I made:

 

Then you drink X drinks to hit your Puke Point, and the first time, PP1, is easily conquered. You have to push past the Puke Point, and continue drinking so that your night can keep getting awesomer. With each rotation of the drunk circle, the number of drinks between Puke Points is decreased by half. So, between PP1 and PP2, you can only have half of X number of drinks you had to hit PP1. Get it? 

So Alison drinks 10 drinks to go from sober to vomiting. Then she conquers PP1 and can have 5 more drinks before hitting PP2. This goes on and on and on until you hit critical capacity/alcohol poisoning.

Next!

According to my extremely accurate math, Alison has to drink 4.6 drinks per hour while in Vegas. Easy!

LAST, and my favorite is:

So the math is pretty complicated but it ends up being about 20 dudes for Alison's NoPYHTBWIV number. I doubt you guys would quite understand it, because it was over Alison's head too. Don't worry, I'm smart.
A good rule of thumb is that if the number is under 15, you're doing something wrong. Check the numbers!

I highly suggest you apply these explanations, sequences and proposals to your own life and Vegas trips. They will only serve you well, as they will serve me and Alison.

Moral of the story: Vegas is the place your liver goes to die.

Bar Boys

I'm not much of one for furious rantings (that may or may not be pure fiction), and so you should know that when I say this, I mean it.

You are a dumb fucking dumbass if you think that a dude you meet at the bar gives one fraction of one shit about your personality.
This has happened twice in the past few weeks, where we have gone to bars and dumb girls will meet dudes and start thinking there is a real connection.
Know what the connection is?
Boobs.

Here is the situation:
They meet at a dance club and make out in the corner all night. Soon after that they start texting.
"OMG, he cares about me as a human being!"
uhhh...what?
"OMG, he invited me to a party with his friends!"
Oh, you mean he wants to get you drunk at a house with beds in it?
"OMG, there's a real connection."
No, this dude cares about two things and they're on your chest with nipples attached. He asked about your major? Fascinating. He asks what kinds of movies you like? Great.
Here is what you say:
"Oh, I'm a communications major because it's really important to me to communicate with people and have the resources to succeed in the business world!" (except comm majors are dumber than that)
and what he hears is:
"Oh, blah blah blah blah if you keep acting interested I'll give you a BJ in the bathroom because I'm dumb as a brick blah blah!"

Never
Ever
Ever
Think that a guy you meet at the bar cares about you as a human being.
He, like most guys, is trying to get laid.
He can tell when you're the kind of girl who needs three nice words and a half-date to spread 'em. He'll do it. Then he'll do you.

While I don't think it is wrong or stupid to meet guys at bars, or to have sex with dudes you meet at bars, I think it is REALLY stupid to convince yourself he wants anything more than that.

You have to be smarter than that.

If, the first time you meet a guy, you make out with him, what do you think his expectations are for the next time you see each other? You think he hopes to step backwards and just talk. That's not how the dance works. You don't give a dude an HJ then tell him your name. No.
He expects to touch on your body, and he'll talk but he will always be waiting for that moment where you make mouth babies.
Always.


Moral of the story: Your boobs outshine your personality.