Vegas Is My Dreamworld

In March I am graduating college, and as a treat to myself and the world I am going to Las Vegas for 3 days and 4 nights. As part of this trip, I am, of course, encouraging Alison to make as many or more bad decisions than anyone else. Part of this requires me to come up with theorems to support my incredible genius.

I'm going to share them with you, so you can apply them to your future trips.

We begin with the Puke Point Proposal (PPP).
So you start out sober, as seen on this image which I made:

 

Then you drink X drinks to hit your Puke Point, and the first time, PP1, is easily conquered. You have to push past the Puke Point, and continue drinking so that your night can keep getting awesomer. With each rotation of the drunk circle, the number of drinks between Puke Points is decreased by half. So, between PP1 and PP2, you can only have half of X number of drinks you had to hit PP1. Get it? 

So Alison drinks 10 drinks to go from sober to vomiting. Then she conquers PP1 and can have 5 more drinks before hitting PP2. This goes on and on and on until you hit critical capacity/alcohol poisoning.

Next!

According to my extremely accurate math, Alison has to drink 4.6 drinks per hour while in Vegas. Easy!

LAST, and my favorite is:

So the math is pretty complicated but it ends up being about 20 dudes for Alison's NoPYHTBWIV number. I doubt you guys would quite understand it, because it was over Alison's head too. Don't worry, I'm smart.
A good rule of thumb is that if the number is under 15, you're doing something wrong. Check the numbers!

I highly suggest you apply these explanations, sequences and proposals to your own life and Vegas trips. They will only serve you well, as they will serve me and Alison.

Moral of the story: Vegas is the place your liver goes to die.

Definitions: Woos Woos Woos

Have you ever had a dream?
I have.
I have had lots of dreams.
Like one time there was a zombie apocalypse and I got locked in a room with Jason Segel...and it was awesome.
But also there are other dreams, like Vegas.
Vegas is the greatest dream a person can dream.
Vegas is a place where you can do things without consequences, and do people without having to know their names, and you can Woo freely.
Oh, you don't know about Wooing?
Don't worry, I'll let you know all about it.

A Woo is a sound. A Woo is a call. A Woo is an expression of self.

A Woo is made by a Woo Girl. Though they have existed for decades (perhaps centuries), the name and phrase were only recently coined by the show How I Met Your Mother.

"Like the laughing kookaburra a or whip-poor-will, the Woo Girl gets her name from the distinctive sound she makes."

You've all heard the Woo, and I can safely assume that most of you women have Woo'd at least once in your life. Urban Dictionary has a fairly judgmental take on the group, and technically so does the episode, but I'm more positive about them.

They wear sparkly things, travel in packs, wear a lot of make-up, do shots, go to tacky themed bars, and are easily excited. That sounds like a super amazing night in Vegas to me.

For some the Woo covers up sadness or disappointment in their life, but for others the Woo is a way to celebrate good things without having to articulate anything.

You Woo to congratulate someone on a job, or a marriage proposal, or a make-out, or a new dress.
You Woo when you get shots, or Long Island Ice Teas, or beers, or a free bottle of champagne.
You Woo when you get in to a bar free, when your favorite song comes on, when a guy starts hitting on your friend, and when your team gets a point in their sporting event.
You Woo if things are good, and you Woo if things are great.
You Woo if things make you happy, and you Woo if things make you drunk.


And I think, without a doubt, Vegas is the place that a Woo Girl can really spread her legs and Woo.


Moral of the story: Wooing is for winners.

Definitions: Words, Words, Words

I like teaching you guys things...mostly it is because of how much I know and how much you don't. I like doing service work and I'm going to forge some paperwork to see if educating you lot counts. It is going to involve some forged signatures and some bribery but those are both well within my range.

This blog post will count towards that! I'm filing it under "helpin' dummies learn stuff.'

As a girl who is often in bars, I often run the risk of encountering today's phenomenon. It's the bane of a woman's existence, and man's, I suppose, since it more instantly embarrasses and effects them. The problem is that it is an extremely annoying and lame thing, but people are using the name to describe the exact opposite and it is VERY unsettling for someone to do that. It is weird.

The thing of which I speak, of course, is: WHISKEY DICK

Those of you who aren't dumb will know that this is what happens when a lad drinks too much (of any booze-product, not just whiskey) and can't get it up. This is a crisis if, like me, half the fun in your life is picking up way-too-drunk dudes just for fun.
I'm like a wolf with a pack of sheep, of course I can kill the biggest, strongest one, but it is easier and more fun to go for the weak one struggling along at the back of the flock trying to eat a stick.
So you can sympathize with me when I reached bar age and started seriously encountering the problem of those weak, dumb little sheep I like being so drunk they can't actually provide the only service I could ever possibly want from them (Obviously I'd never try to hold conversation with one).

Here is the issue: Apparently this fake-and-baked hamster-lizard hybrid has a different definition for the term. She claims that Whiskey Dick is when a guy is super drunk and, instead of it not working at all, it works too well and you get to have sex for hours.
That is the more enjoyable definition, obviously, but that isn't what Whiskey Dick is. That is a man doing his job, goddammit.

You can see how this is a problem in the world.



Recently a friend was recounting the story of her one night stand.
"We got back to my house and he totally got Whiskey Dick."
"Oh, that sucks," I respond, trying to be sympathetic but secretly being like, "Duh! He came back to a stranger's house, so he's either dumb or he never saw The Berenstain Bears 'Don't Talk To Strangers' and Whiskey Dick is what happens when you make poor choices."
"What? No, it was awesome." She said.
What the what?
"Whiskey Dick is when they're hard for hours," she slowly explained.
"No..." I was very confused, "It is not."
"Well, Snooki said it was..."
And then I had a rage-blackout and I don't know what happened but I woke up with fake-tanner and blood on my hands...so we'll see how that turns out. It also inspired me to write this post.

I also had a brief moment of feminism (it struck in the time between wanting a pancake and realizing it takes too much effort to make your own) and decided to create the female version of Whiskey Dick. It's not as obvious, and the symptoms are different, but the point is the same: you're too drunk to bang.

For girls, the symptoms include: being at that point when you are too drunk to give consent, not being able to handle a wang properly (not even like your fourteen, have never seen one in real life, and don't quite know what to do, but the point where you are so drunk you honestly try this sort of thing), and where you can't do your part in the doinking process...you just lie there like you don't know it is happening.
BOO.
We came up with a name for it too!
Vodka Vag
So now you don't have to refer to it by some long winded description/explanation and can just drop some word-gold on people like bombs on London during a Blitzkrieg. Boom.


Moral of the story: Whiskey Dick is the opposite of awesome: just like Snooki.