The Sexiest Playlist

I really enjoy making playlists.

A lot.

Everyone does, though, honestly.

I usually make them for roadtrips or types of music, but occasionally also for special events or themes.
LIKE BONING.  

A long time ago I made a pretty sexy playlist, and I think that, for those who struggle with finding good "doing it" music, it would be good to share with everyone.

I warn you, this may be too sexy for some people...and also maybe too 80's, but that has never been a problem for me...I also love the '80's and power ballads so that might be a factor. Consult your night time friend for their opinion on it.

Hopefully you are wise enough to bone someone who likes '80's music though, if not, I'm disappointed in you.

Your foreplay song: "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off" -Jermaine Stewart
Download it: http://www.youtube-mp3.org/#v=TmAYwGw_eDI

From there we go to "I Didn't Mean To Turn You On" -Robert Palmer and we have a good, fun theme going, which everyone enjoys.  Then "I Wanna Sex You Up" -Color Me Badd which is arguably the most delightful doing it song ever
Download it: http://www.youtube-mp3.org/#v=ooehGnxcUOQ

"Naughty Girls Need Love Too" -Samantha Fox
and
"Temptation" -Corina

And it isn't a sex playlist without some MICHAEL BOLTON

He makes, literally, the best music of all time and I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG. I am not kidding in any way. I FUCKING love this song. A lot. So much. And Bolton. I love him. LOVE HIM!

This transitions us perfectly into the romance of it all: "Freak Me Baby" -Silk and it only gets sexier from here.

"Making Love Out of Nothing At All" -Air Supply and "When I See You Smile" from Bad English are REALLY fabulous slow bang songs.

You can get them here: http://www.youtube-mp3.org/#v=cu6pclWsxzs and here http://www.youtube-mp3.org/#v=6lE6Htee0sA because you NEED them.

Last, of course, to really seal the deal with this dude or lady falling for you is

MOTHER FUCKING "TAKE MY BREATH AWAY" BY BERLIN!

That bitch will be all up on your junk if you play them this song. Bitches love this song.
Maybe I just love this song...

I really ought to have been alive in the 80's so these would be poignant and useful for getting laid.
Turns out dudes these days aren't super impressed when you know all the words to Michael Bolton songs...tragic really.

So I really recommend you use this playlist to help you get laid and loved.

It's foolproof.

Supplemental songs include "When 2 Become 1" from the Spice Girls, "I Melt With You" by Modern English, "Everything I Do, I Do It For You" by Brian Adams, and "Time, Love, and Tenderness" from the unconquerable Michael Bolton.

Moral of the story: You're welcome.

I'm Not Your Babe, Darling

Pet names are a corner stone of public couple interactions. Some of them are very cute, and some of them are really dumb and annoying.

I found this list which somehow contains 101 "fun, romantic" pet names for your boyf/girlf.

It also happens to contain about 93 stupid and cliched pet names too.

We're going to discuss my least favorite and preferred pet names.

So my list of least favorite pet names starts with

"Sugar Daddy/Sugar Momma" - This just seems to reduce your relationship to materialism and money. Perhaps it is just because I associate these pet names with gold diggers and cougar hunters, and people who are in relationships solely to get gifts and perks out of it. Shallow.

"Baby/Babe" - I know these are some of the most common pet names, but they just aren't my favorite. Probably because, with most couples, you always hear "Oh babe, I love you babe, you're the best babe, oh baby!" Boring sauce. Also, do you want to associate the person you're boning with this?

 

I thought not.

"Object of my affection" - I think that calling your significant other an object isn't the best idea. Maybe. Why not call them...literally anything else?

I obviously don't disagree with anyone's right to call their bonage buddy whatever they want, some people prefer Baby or Stud Muffin or things I find stupid. That's okay. But I know that there are a lot of people preparing to woo me, and they should just know, ahead of time, what to call me and what not to call me.

I tend to prefer pet names like "Darling," or "Sweetheart," or "Honey." I appreciate sweet themed things, because you are literally "sweet" on someone, so calling them "honey" or "sugar" or whatever and that is cute to me. Also, "Darling" sounds classy and adorable.

Also acceptable are marine life themed pet names!

If you are dating a woman, I suggest
Hagfish
Sperm whale
Gulper Eel
Angel Fish
Octopussy


For a man I might recommend
Humpback
MAN-ta Ray
Kraken/Cthulu
Sperm whale (it's unisex, that's U 'n' I sex!)
Barri-cute-a

Moral of the story: pet names are not just for pets.

Definitions: Woos Woos Woos

Have you ever had a dream?
I have.
I have had lots of dreams.
Like one time there was a zombie apocalypse and I got locked in a room with Jason Segel...and it was awesome.
But also there are other dreams, like Vegas.
Vegas is the greatest dream a person can dream.
Vegas is a place where you can do things without consequences, and do people without having to know their names, and you can Woo freely.
Oh, you don't know about Wooing?
Don't worry, I'll let you know all about it.

A Woo is a sound. A Woo is a call. A Woo is an expression of self.

A Woo is made by a Woo Girl. Though they have existed for decades (perhaps centuries), the name and phrase were only recently coined by the show How I Met Your Mother.

"Like the laughing kookaburra a or whip-poor-will, the Woo Girl gets her name from the distinctive sound she makes."

You've all heard the Woo, and I can safely assume that most of you women have Woo'd at least once in your life. Urban Dictionary has a fairly judgmental take on the group, and technically so does the episode, but I'm more positive about them.

They wear sparkly things, travel in packs, wear a lot of make-up, do shots, go to tacky themed bars, and are easily excited. That sounds like a super amazing night in Vegas to me.

For some the Woo covers up sadness or disappointment in their life, but for others the Woo is a way to celebrate good things without having to articulate anything.

You Woo to congratulate someone on a job, or a marriage proposal, or a make-out, or a new dress.
You Woo when you get shots, or Long Island Ice Teas, or beers, or a free bottle of champagne.
You Woo when you get in to a bar free, when your favorite song comes on, when a guy starts hitting on your friend, and when your team gets a point in their sporting event.
You Woo if things are good, and you Woo if things are great.
You Woo if things make you happy, and you Woo if things make you drunk.


And I think, without a doubt, Vegas is the place that a Woo Girl can really spread her legs and Woo.


Moral of the story: Wooing is for winners.

Definitions

Open up your brain so I can store some knowledge in there!

Today is yet another day wherein I teach you things that you probably didn't know.
There are a lot of these sorts of things, but today we only have time for one (maybe two).

We're going to learn a new phrase today, and you're going to like it.
"Lady Boner," or, conversely, "Gentleman Boner."

Never heard of it? Well, after this post you'll be an expert.

This is inspired by a conversation I recently had with a friend, wherein I asked if the average guys thinks about the difference between "hot" and "beautiful."
It's a very difficult thing to articulate, but I find myself often thinking about it. There are implications and meanings tied to calling someone "hot" or "pretty" or "cute," and you wouldn't call Megan Fox cute the same way you wouldn't call a puppy dog "hot."

Here is what I have gathered, from my own life observations and the conversation.
"Hot" is the girl or guy you see at a bar and you really just want to see them naked. You don't really want to have to talk to them, but man do you wanna touch their butt. "Hot" is a bar hook-up, or someone's hot body, or a nudie picture. "Hot," I think, is young and temporary and shallow, but, obviously, it is a pretty good thing to be.

"Beautiful" is the man or woman you see somewhere, and you can't help but think "Woah." You want to have coffee with them or wake up next to them or date them for a year. "Beautiful" is solid and it ages nicely and it is the kind of person you really want to date and get to know.

This isn't to say that they are mutually exclusive, someone can be both hot and beautiful (Christina Hendricks, anyone?), but it is a fairly difficult balance to strike. It also isn't to say that one is better than the other, because there are people who like their mates hot and there are people who like them beautiful.

In fact, that is why I have decided to talk about Lady Boners and Gentleman Boners.

A "Lady Boner" or "Gentleman Boner" is someone you find really, really attractive. It is a fun way to describe a hot and/or beautiful person.

So, here are examples, I would say that this guy

gives me a Lady Boner, but I'd also agree to hear about his feelings. It's a dignified Lady Boner.

But this guy, gives me a Lady Boner and I just wanna see him naked all the time and if he talks I'll be annoyed. It's still a Lady Boner, but there's no classiness to it...just abs...so much abs...

See? Difference.

I have become a huge fan of using this word, mostly because I think the word "boner" is funny, but also because it is less exact than calling them hot.

For your viewing pleasure:

Lady Boners

Gentleman Boners

Moral of the story: Hot or beautiful, you're all perfect to me.

Holiday Hello

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, MOTHERFUCKERS!

I'm the hot one...in the middle...in blue...ya' know...the hot one...