Definitions: Woos Woos Woos

Have you ever had a dream?
I have.
I have had lots of dreams.
Like one time there was a zombie apocalypse and I got locked in a room with Jason Segel...and it was awesome.
But also there are other dreams, like Vegas.
Vegas is the greatest dream a person can dream.
Vegas is a place where you can do things without consequences, and do people without having to know their names, and you can Woo freely.
Oh, you don't know about Wooing?
Don't worry, I'll let you know all about it.

A Woo is a sound. A Woo is a call. A Woo is an expression of self.

A Woo is made by a Woo Girl. Though they have existed for decades (perhaps centuries), the name and phrase were only recently coined by the show How I Met Your Mother.

"Like the laughing kookaburra a or whip-poor-will, the Woo Girl gets her name from the distinctive sound she makes."

You've all heard the Woo, and I can safely assume that most of you women have Woo'd at least once in your life. Urban Dictionary has a fairly judgmental take on the group, and technically so does the episode, but I'm more positive about them.

They wear sparkly things, travel in packs, wear a lot of make-up, do shots, go to tacky themed bars, and are easily excited. That sounds like a super amazing night in Vegas to me.

For some the Woo covers up sadness or disappointment in their life, but for others the Woo is a way to celebrate good things without having to articulate anything.

You Woo to congratulate someone on a job, or a marriage proposal, or a make-out, or a new dress.
You Woo when you get shots, or Long Island Ice Teas, or beers, or a free bottle of champagne.
You Woo when you get in to a bar free, when your favorite song comes on, when a guy starts hitting on your friend, and when your team gets a point in their sporting event.
You Woo if things are good, and you Woo if things are great.
You Woo if things make you happy, and you Woo if things make you drunk.


And I think, without a doubt, Vegas is the place that a Woo Girl can really spread her legs and Woo.


Moral of the story: Wooing is for winners.

Definitions

Open up your brain so I can store some knowledge in there!

Today is yet another day wherein I teach you things that you probably didn't know.
There are a lot of these sorts of things, but today we only have time for one (maybe two).

We're going to learn a new phrase today, and you're going to like it.
"Lady Boner," or, conversely, "Gentleman Boner."

Never heard of it? Well, after this post you'll be an expert.

This is inspired by a conversation I recently had with a friend, wherein I asked if the average guys thinks about the difference between "hot" and "beautiful."
It's a very difficult thing to articulate, but I find myself often thinking about it. There are implications and meanings tied to calling someone "hot" or "pretty" or "cute," and you wouldn't call Megan Fox cute the same way you wouldn't call a puppy dog "hot."

Here is what I have gathered, from my own life observations and the conversation.
"Hot" is the girl or guy you see at a bar and you really just want to see them naked. You don't really want to have to talk to them, but man do you wanna touch their butt. "Hot" is a bar hook-up, or someone's hot body, or a nudie picture. "Hot," I think, is young and temporary and shallow, but, obviously, it is a pretty good thing to be.

"Beautiful" is the man or woman you see somewhere, and you can't help but think "Woah." You want to have coffee with them or wake up next to them or date them for a year. "Beautiful" is solid and it ages nicely and it is the kind of person you really want to date and get to know.

This isn't to say that they are mutually exclusive, someone can be both hot and beautiful (Christina Hendricks, anyone?), but it is a fairly difficult balance to strike. It also isn't to say that one is better than the other, because there are people who like their mates hot and there are people who like them beautiful.

In fact, that is why I have decided to talk about Lady Boners and Gentleman Boners.

A "Lady Boner" or "Gentleman Boner" is someone you find really, really attractive. It is a fun way to describe a hot and/or beautiful person.

So, here are examples, I would say that this guy

gives me a Lady Boner, but I'd also agree to hear about his feelings. It's a dignified Lady Boner.

But this guy, gives me a Lady Boner and I just wanna see him naked all the time and if he talks I'll be annoyed. It's still a Lady Boner, but there's no classiness to it...just abs...so much abs...

See? Difference.

I have become a huge fan of using this word, mostly because I think the word "boner" is funny, but also because it is less exact than calling them hot.

For your viewing pleasure:

Lady Boners

Gentleman Boners

Moral of the story: Hot or beautiful, you're all perfect to me.

Definitions

Have you ever made out with someone?

Theoretically, if you're not super lame, you have. First you put your mouth on their mouth and then you mash your tongues together like flailing elephant seals and when you're done you fix your hair, walk out of the McDonald's walk-in freezer, and tell your friends about it.
When you do, what do you say?
"I totally just made out with this fine piece of ass, I think his name was Enrique or Solomon or some shit," and you high-five and move on.

Here is the key point: totally just MADE OUT with that fine piece of ass.
Sometimes, especially in my recent years, I have heard people say that they hooked up with that fine piece of ass.
Then I judge them because they boned in a walk-in freezer in a McDonald's. I voice these concerns because I'm pretty sure there are health codes about that kind of thing, and get reprimanded for assuming they boned when apparently they just kissed.

BUT YOU SAID YOU HOOKED UP.

When you hook up with someone, and when you say that you have hooked up with someone, it means you touched their wiener and saw them nakey and something has gone somewhere.
When all you do is make out, that's what you say. You don't say you hooked up because that makes me think something hilarious and inappropriate happened when all you did was kiss, and then I'm disappointed and confused. 

I guess for some people they think that making out is a subsection of hooking up and you can say the latter even if you only do the former. BUT you wouldn't say you made out when you actually had sex, because that's lying.

IT IS LYING, YOU ASSHOLES.

When you tell me that you hooked up but you only kissed it is lying, and that is rude and it ruins my life.

Example:
My friend says, "Did you hear that Alison hooked up with that guy Roland?"
I say, "REALLY? WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?"
The friend says, "Yeah, they totally made out at the party on Friday."
I respond, confused, "Wait, did they hook up or just make out?"
"They made out," and I am given an annoyed look.
"YOU FUCKING DICK."
I was so excited because I thought Alison made a hilarious and terrible decision that I could laugh at her about, but it turns out she only made a moderately bad choice that is less funny to mock her about. So you see?

Saying that you hooked up builds my hopes and dreams and then you dash them on the rocks of prudeness when it turns out you just kissed.

Moral of the story: Use phrases right, goddammit