How To: 6

How To Have The Best Night Of Your Life (So Far)

This past week took me from my sleepy college town to the polite, beautiful city of Vancouver, BC.

We went up on a Friday evening in order to spend the night celebrating the day of birth of my bro Alison, who you have all read so much about.
Technically it wasn't her birthday, but this was as close as we could get.

We had a lot of fun in the 'Coov and it reminded that I need to teach you how to have a great night.

It's just a few simple steps:

1) Make Sure You Feel Pretty
It's pretty well documented that it is hard to enjoy yourself when you're having an ugly day. If you are trying to go out on the town but you feel fat or have a big zit or your hair is weird, you're going to be too self conscious to enjoy yourself. At least that happens to me. You end up putting out a weird vibe. So this doesn't mean you can't still go out and see your friends, it just means you'll be off your game.

2) Have A Back-Up Plan
Fuck knows what could happen. For us, it meant that the 2 or 3 clubs we had in mind to go to were having shows that night and cover was crazy so we couldn't/didn't want to go in. So we just went to the big club and bar area and walked around until a place offered to let us in for free. Easy. It could mean that you have another happy hour option or you know of an after hour jazz club to go to or a restaurant that won't kick you out for being too drunk. Have an option or meet someone who does.

3) Be With Friends
The best way to enjoy yourself is to make sure you are surrounded by people you enjoy: friends who like the things you like, or who you can trust with your sloppiest drunk self, or who are just fun and motivate you to be fun too. You can go out with strangers and meet up with people along the way, certainly, but I don't recommend going out alone.

4) Always Say Yes
This doesn't mean "say yes to every lady/dude who wants your junk," but it does mean "say yes to adventure or to that next club or to that group of weird British dudes who want to take you to poutine at 4AM." Do you know what poutine is?  It's french fries, cheese curd, and gravy.

It looks like barf! But is apparently delicious. People make claims, I guess, but I'm not a french fry person, really, so that's a thing. BUT, some British guys we met on the street offered to buy us poutine so that happened for us. It turned out to be a highlight of the night because one of them got in a fist fight with the vendor. OVER POUTINE! If we hadn't gone with them we never would have had that experience, so it is a good thing we said yes.

Saying yes can be a really good thing, and it can get you a lot of fun stuff. Say yes to dancing with someone, or to that drink he wants to buy you, or to that limo ride to Denny's. Maybe don't say yes to that guy in the van or to that drink with a roofie in it, or to that cop when he asks if you're in the country illegally, but within reason, always say yes.

With these four steps in mind I think you guys can really take it from drab to fab!

Moral of the story: Every night can be the best night!

Definitions: Woos Woos Woos

Have you ever had a dream?
I have.
I have had lots of dreams.
Like one time there was a zombie apocalypse and I got locked in a room with Jason Segel...and it was awesome.
But also there are other dreams, like Vegas.
Vegas is the greatest dream a person can dream.
Vegas is a place where you can do things without consequences, and do people without having to know their names, and you can Woo freely.
Oh, you don't know about Wooing?
Don't worry, I'll let you know all about it.

A Woo is a sound. A Woo is a call. A Woo is an expression of self.

A Woo is made by a Woo Girl. Though they have existed for decades (perhaps centuries), the name and phrase were only recently coined by the show How I Met Your Mother.

"Like the laughing kookaburra a or whip-poor-will, the Woo Girl gets her name from the distinctive sound she makes."

You've all heard the Woo, and I can safely assume that most of you women have Woo'd at least once in your life. Urban Dictionary has a fairly judgmental take on the group, and technically so does the episode, but I'm more positive about them.

They wear sparkly things, travel in packs, wear a lot of make-up, do shots, go to tacky themed bars, and are easily excited. That sounds like a super amazing night in Vegas to me.

For some the Woo covers up sadness or disappointment in their life, but for others the Woo is a way to celebrate good things without having to articulate anything.

You Woo to congratulate someone on a job, or a marriage proposal, or a make-out, or a new dress.
You Woo when you get shots, or Long Island Ice Teas, or beers, or a free bottle of champagne.
You Woo when you get in to a bar free, when your favorite song comes on, when a guy starts hitting on your friend, and when your team gets a point in their sporting event.
You Woo if things are good, and you Woo if things are great.
You Woo if things make you happy, and you Woo if things make you drunk.


And I think, without a doubt, Vegas is the place that a Woo Girl can really spread her legs and Woo.


Moral of the story: Wooing is for winners.

We'll Call It A Home Run

People love comparing sex to sports. Well...not comparing the two, but applying sports jargon to sex acts.
It's something I understand, in theory.
I think it's mostly for boys though.
For the rest of us, sports tend to be pretty boring while, hopefully, sex is quite the opposite.
Though, actually, I find that both sports and sex are WAY better if you've drinking. Almost tolerable in some cases.
"The Bases"

We've all heard this metaphor. Or been subjected to it...
For future reference, the whispered line "Wanna go to second?" is way less sexy than you think it is, gentlemen.
So let's discuss bases!

Starting on home: 
Meeting someone. Here's your chance to hit on someone (get it?) and see how far you can get with them. You could hit a single and only ever get to first, then get tagged out. Or a double, or you could only hit a triple. You always hope that ever hit is a home run but sometimes that isn't in the cards and you only ever make it so far. Depressing.

First Base:
I think this one can be pretty universally agreed on.
Kissing.
Is it a catchall for all kinds of kissing? Or just polite kissing? What about skanky club make-outs? Still first base? See, the problem is that first base seems so innocent. "Kissing" aww! But oh wait no, kissing is kind of gross and also disease ridden and also happens in weird places (like Spain and your parent's basement and the supply closet off the main room at prom).

Second Base:
Here is where it gets a little hazy. Some people say that second base is anything above the waist, over and under the clothes. Some people say that second is anything over the clothes despite the waist situation. Others say it is anything under the clothes without penetration. Hand jobs, I guess...are the option there. In my opinion, the third option seems to be a bit fast. We've moved from kissing to hand jobs VERY quickly, and just I think the first option is a better transition between first and third base.

Third Base:
Someone once proposed that this is sex. What? The hell is home base supposed to be then? Dummy.
I find it is more likely that third base is anything under the clothes below the waist (including hand work and oral sex). This works better with the flow of the bases, and is a better transition into home base boning.

Home Base:
Doing it. Boning. Sex. Intercourse. Whoopie. Love Making. Naughty Night Time Fun. Naked Wrestling. Humping.
Does there need to be a discussion about it? Really?

Also, for fun, we'll discuss when to hit them.
The average sexually confident adult should put one to three dates between each base.
Depending on your personal views and the person.
Less than one date is a bit slutty...or more than a bit, really.
And more than three is asking a lot of patience from the other person unless you've both discussed and agreed to that sort of thing.

First date? Probably okay to kiss, or you can wait until you've completed one whole date and use the second one to introduce kissing.
Third date? Second base makes sense at this point. Especially if you like someone enough to go out on multiple dates with them, it'd be strange to not like them enough to let them see you shirtless.
Three plus three is...six, okay, Sixth date? This is a solid month of courtship at least, if you average a date a week (which you shouldn't exceed since that's a lot of time with each other, and shouldn't fall short of because it makes you seem uninterested), and so third base should be coming up. Though, to be honest, stopping at second and third is a difficult task. It's kind of weird, for me, to get to third and then just walk away from it. That's a lot of self control that some of us don't really have.

So, if you can control yourself and haven't zoomed past second and third bases early on, it should be around or before date nine that you cross home plate.

Zoom.