I'm Not Your Babe, Darling

Pet names are a corner stone of public couple interactions. Some of them are very cute, and some of them are really dumb and annoying.

I found this list which somehow contains 101 "fun, romantic" pet names for your boyf/girlf.

It also happens to contain about 93 stupid and cliched pet names too.

We're going to discuss my least favorite and preferred pet names.

So my list of least favorite pet names starts with

"Sugar Daddy/Sugar Momma" - This just seems to reduce your relationship to materialism and money. Perhaps it is just because I associate these pet names with gold diggers and cougar hunters, and people who are in relationships solely to get gifts and perks out of it. Shallow.

"Baby/Babe" - I know these are some of the most common pet names, but they just aren't my favorite. Probably because, with most couples, you always hear "Oh babe, I love you babe, you're the best babe, oh baby!" Boring sauce. Also, do you want to associate the person you're boning with this?

 

I thought not.

"Object of my affection" - I think that calling your significant other an object isn't the best idea. Maybe. Why not call them...literally anything else?

I obviously don't disagree with anyone's right to call their bonage buddy whatever they want, some people prefer Baby or Stud Muffin or things I find stupid. That's okay. But I know that there are a lot of people preparing to woo me, and they should just know, ahead of time, what to call me and what not to call me.

I tend to prefer pet names like "Darling," or "Sweetheart," or "Honey." I appreciate sweet themed things, because you are literally "sweet" on someone, so calling them "honey" or "sugar" or whatever and that is cute to me. Also, "Darling" sounds classy and adorable.

Also acceptable are marine life themed pet names!

If you are dating a woman, I suggest
Hagfish
Sperm whale
Gulper Eel
Angel Fish
Octopussy


For a man I might recommend
Humpback
MAN-ta Ray
Kraken/Cthulu
Sperm whale (it's unisex, that's U 'n' I sex!)
Barri-cute-a

Moral of the story: pet names are not just for pets.

Together Forever

I am blessed with having a lot of friends. Like, A LOT of friends. Like, I'm really, really popular. Way more so than you.

Obviously.

Among my multitude of friends there are now and always will be a certain number of couples. I fully support people who are in relationships. If they want to be boring and weird, that's their prerogative.
There are lots of kinds of couples, though, and that is what we're going to discuss today.

ANNOYING TYPES OF COUPLES

We've all been there. Two people you know start dating, and sometimes it isn't terrible, but sometimes...it get's unmanageable.

Type 1:

The "On Again Off Again" Couple

We all have these friends- Oh you're dating, how nice. Wait, you're broken up? That sucks. So you're seeing him again? Oh, but you're not official? Now you're fighting? Now you're dating? Now you won't talk to him ever again? Now you're moving in together? Whaaaaa??"
This could happen over the course of a week, three weeks, a year, or seven years. God only knows.
The most difficult thing is keeping track of whether or not they are dating or broken up. You can't tell just by their annoyance levels because they are always upset in the relationship as well as out of it. So, fuck that. Also, when they are broken up, your instinct is to trash the ex. Of course. You want to make your friend feel better because they were just dating a major douchebag. So you say that, and of course when they get back together you have to pretend like you don't mind the guy or you never really meant it.
Ugh.
These couples are really awkward to deal with, and they tend to make the people around them VERY unhappy. Do. Not. Be. This. Couple.

Type 2:

The "Engaged After 3 Months" Couple

UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH STOP DOING THIS. You are welcome to get engaged, or married, if you so choose, but PLEASE if you insist on doing that don't get engaged instantly. It's just silly, and it is really weird.
"We're so connected."
"Why postpone the inevitable?"
"You can't fight love."
Awww, you're so dumb.
A girl I used to know got engaged half-way through freshman year of college to a guy she had been dating for...approximately a year.
OMG!
They fell apart about a four months later. Obviously.
That is what happens: you start dating and you're really into each other so you get engaged and then realize that...wait...you've known each other for three months and you're being RIDICULOUS.

Type 3:

The "Always Texting Never Together" Couple

Have you ever run into these people?
It's weird.
You know they're dating someone, it says so on their Facebook. They're not a long distance couple because that person also attends your university. So...why have you NEVER seen these people together? They are always texting each other, like, more than constantly texting. You know this because the last time you tried to hang out with this friend, there was a constant silence because they were always responding to texts and couldn't be bothered to take any focus from their phone.
Fuck. That.
Also this is just a really confusing couple because then you never know what is going on and don't really know the other half of the couple at all and that's kind of strange.
Right?

Type 4:

The "We Can't Spend Four Minutes Not Kissing and Cuddling So Fuck Your Appetite and Public Decency, Let's Make Out Right Here" Couple

I don't need to explain the horribleness of this couple.
I encountered one just last night. We were at a bar, drinking as always, and this couple could not stand to not be touching. They walked together, sat together, only talked to each other. They did that thing where they put their foreheads together and whispered and giggled to each other like they were sharing some sort of terribly annoying secret.
UGH.
They sat REALLY close together, half on top of each other, and kissed and blahblahblah. You can be affectionate, I am a fairly affectionate human being, but holding hands is fine for while you are out in public. You can kiss, that's okay, but kissing between every word is a little much.
I hate this couple.
It makes me want to barf.

Moral of the story: Cross your fingers that they break up forever

We'll Call It A Home Run

People love comparing sex to sports. Well...not comparing the two, but applying sports jargon to sex acts.
It's something I understand, in theory.
I think it's mostly for boys though.
For the rest of us, sports tend to be pretty boring while, hopefully, sex is quite the opposite.
Though, actually, I find that both sports and sex are WAY better if you've drinking. Almost tolerable in some cases.
"The Bases"

We've all heard this metaphor. Or been subjected to it...
For future reference, the whispered line "Wanna go to second?" is way less sexy than you think it is, gentlemen.
So let's discuss bases!

Starting on home: 
Meeting someone. Here's your chance to hit on someone (get it?) and see how far you can get with them. You could hit a single and only ever get to first, then get tagged out. Or a double, or you could only hit a triple. You always hope that ever hit is a home run but sometimes that isn't in the cards and you only ever make it so far. Depressing.

First Base:
I think this one can be pretty universally agreed on.
Kissing.
Is it a catchall for all kinds of kissing? Or just polite kissing? What about skanky club make-outs? Still first base? See, the problem is that first base seems so innocent. "Kissing" aww! But oh wait no, kissing is kind of gross and also disease ridden and also happens in weird places (like Spain and your parent's basement and the supply closet off the main room at prom).

Second Base:
Here is where it gets a little hazy. Some people say that second base is anything above the waist, over and under the clothes. Some people say that second is anything over the clothes despite the waist situation. Others say it is anything under the clothes without penetration. Hand jobs, I guess...are the option there. In my opinion, the third option seems to be a bit fast. We've moved from kissing to hand jobs VERY quickly, and just I think the first option is a better transition between first and third base.

Third Base:
Someone once proposed that this is sex. What? The hell is home base supposed to be then? Dummy.
I find it is more likely that third base is anything under the clothes below the waist (including hand work and oral sex). This works better with the flow of the bases, and is a better transition into home base boning.

Home Base:
Doing it. Boning. Sex. Intercourse. Whoopie. Love Making. Naughty Night Time Fun. Naked Wrestling. Humping.
Does there need to be a discussion about it? Really?

Also, for fun, we'll discuss when to hit them.
The average sexually confident adult should put one to three dates between each base.
Depending on your personal views and the person.
Less than one date is a bit slutty...or more than a bit, really.
And more than three is asking a lot of patience from the other person unless you've both discussed and agreed to that sort of thing.

First date? Probably okay to kiss, or you can wait until you've completed one whole date and use the second one to introduce kissing.
Third date? Second base makes sense at this point. Especially if you like someone enough to go out on multiple dates with them, it'd be strange to not like them enough to let them see you shirtless.
Three plus three is...six, okay, Sixth date? This is a solid month of courtship at least, if you average a date a week (which you shouldn't exceed since that's a lot of time with each other, and shouldn't fall short of because it makes you seem uninterested), and so third base should be coming up. Though, to be honest, stopping at second and third is a difficult task. It's kind of weird, for me, to get to third and then just walk away from it. That's a lot of self control that some of us don't really have.

So, if you can control yourself and haven't zoomed past second and third bases early on, it should be around or before date nine that you cross home plate.

Zoom.

Ideal Dates

My freshman year of college found me living in the dorms trying not to die and get a fungal infection in my feet from the showers. Eew. On my floor lived two girls: Jesus Jen and Jesus Talia. YES, they were Jen an' Talia. (Say it fast...again...there ya' go! Get it?)

Beards Get You Laid!

Both girls had big ol' lady boners for Jesus. And God. But probably not Mohammad or Moses...which is rude because they both had sweet beards. At least I assume Mohammad had a sweet beard, the whole lack of images things makes that hard to verify, but his followers tend to have great beards and, like the Jews, they  emulate their religious icon. LOGIC.


So, yeah, both girls were a little to far into the Bible and I feel like they would probably go to this event and sing/write these sort of songs. OMG LINK!



Often, they would take advantage of nice weather and "Go On Dates with God." Repeat: GO. ON. DATES. WITH. GOD.
I am not making that up.
Those are their words.
GO on DATES with GOD.
This meant, I think, they'd go to the park, stare out at the water and journal about their faith and how much Jesus means to them. That'd be fine and almost interesting except that it caused some drama when Talia started going on these God Dates without Jen. Big deal apparently. Maybe the dates were more than just sitting around contemplating scripture...maybe they were actual dates!

Alison and I, being assholes, had a long running joke about what God probably ordered at dinner, and how they split the bill, if ever, and what is opinions were on staying the night, and how quickly the girls would let him hit up first base. Man, hell is going to be delightful.

This recently got me thinking, though, about dating and how difficult it can be to date in the modern world, what with hypocritical feminists running amok and expecting equality but also not ever having to pay for dinner.

BOO.
Here are my own personal ideas about First Date/Dating Etiquette.

durrrrr dating!

• Whomever suggests the date should pay (if he asks you to lunch, it would be polite for him to pay but bring your wallet because that could be awkward)
•  It is a great gesture, however, to offer to split it apps/dessert and main dishes, or to offer to buy the drinks. This ensures him/her that you don't expect him/her to pay for everything all the time
• Lunch is a great way to get to know someone without the pressure of a dinner date or having to feel fancy. It is also easier for the date to continue without it ending up being a night-time/sexual thing. Lunch works as an excellent starter date. 
• If you want to get more casual, then a happy hour special or event night at bar would be fun. Karaoke or 80's Night are more interesting ways to test the water.
• Don't just bring whatever flowers find; those are great but it'd be awesome if you knew her favorite type (ask it on the first date and bring them for the second to show you're listening). It's an empty gesture if you just buy them.
• I think it's important to know your own timing; if you are comfortable kissing on the first date, go for it. If you need more time to settle in and decide how you feel, wait. Also be aware of whether or not the other person is pushing for/resisting any of your advances. 
• Choose something you both enjoy; if you don't like the same kind of movie, don't settle and go see one you don't want to. It'll bring down your energy and make it kind of lame. If you both love bars, go there. If you both love hikes, do that. If you both hate children, go throw rocks at the playground. Find your common ground and hang out there.
• Have a few topics of conversation stored in your back pocket in case there is a lull. Options: Where would you live if you were exiled from the United States? Secret talents. Weird ice cream flavors. Things to do on the weekends. What would you do with 100,000 dollars? What the fuck happened to Lost in the last three seasons?-they totally ruined that show, fuckers.
• Don't be creepy.
• Don't force yourself to go out with someone you don't really feel a connection with. If they can't make you laugh or have any of the same basic values or interests as you, or if you aren't at all attracted to them, don't go. Probably just awkward and not worth it.

There ya' go. I'm sure I'll have another edition of Dating Etiquette and Ideas sometime soon. These are the main ones that I think are important or useful.

BONUS ADVICE:
For the hordes of people trying to date me:

• get me balloons or a giant cookie
• make me laugh 
• take me somewhere with french dip sandwiches and good beer
• do NOT take me to a movie (I'll get popcorn down my shirt and that'll be embarrassing) 
• understand my references to and obsession with Die Hard

And there you'll have it; dating the (Not So) Virgin Mary and other awesome girls.

Moral of the story: Dating is weird...and dating God is even MORE weird.