I'm Not Your Babe, Darling

Pet names are a corner stone of public couple interactions. Some of them are very cute, and some of them are really dumb and annoying.

I found this list which somehow contains 101 "fun, romantic" pet names for your boyf/girlf.

It also happens to contain about 93 stupid and cliched pet names too.

We're going to discuss my least favorite and preferred pet names.

So my list of least favorite pet names starts with

"Sugar Daddy/Sugar Momma" - This just seems to reduce your relationship to materialism and money. Perhaps it is just because I associate these pet names with gold diggers and cougar hunters, and people who are in relationships solely to get gifts and perks out of it. Shallow.

"Baby/Babe" - I know these are some of the most common pet names, but they just aren't my favorite. Probably because, with most couples, you always hear "Oh babe, I love you babe, you're the best babe, oh baby!" Boring sauce. Also, do you want to associate the person you're boning with this?

 

I thought not.

"Object of my affection" - I think that calling your significant other an object isn't the best idea. Maybe. Why not call them...literally anything else?

I obviously don't disagree with anyone's right to call their bonage buddy whatever they want, some people prefer Baby or Stud Muffin or things I find stupid. That's okay. But I know that there are a lot of people preparing to woo me, and they should just know, ahead of time, what to call me and what not to call me.

I tend to prefer pet names like "Darling," or "Sweetheart," or "Honey." I appreciate sweet themed things, because you are literally "sweet" on someone, so calling them "honey" or "sugar" or whatever and that is cute to me. Also, "Darling" sounds classy and adorable.

Also acceptable are marine life themed pet names!

If you are dating a woman, I suggest
Hagfish
Sperm whale
Gulper Eel
Angel Fish
Octopussy


For a man I might recommend
Humpback
MAN-ta Ray
Kraken/Cthulu
Sperm whale (it's unisex, that's U 'n' I sex!)
Barri-cute-a

Moral of the story: pet names are not just for pets.

How To:

New Feature:

Every few posts I'm going to share with you the best possible way to do something. A How To section, if you will.

For our first time, I'm going to teach you:

How To Make A Guy (Or Girl) Stop Hitting On You.

We have ALL been hit on.
For some of us, it happens almost constantly and to the point where you run out of ways to say no.
There's the classic: "No, I'm not interested."
A more polite: "No, thank-you though."
Or the more forward and more rude: "Get lost."
There's even: "Get out of my face."

But those don't always do the trick.
Sometimes a dude is too forward or too drunk and you gotta pull out the big guns.
Pretending to be a lesbian only works if he isn't going to try and make you come home with him AND another chick.
Saying you have a boyfriend is reliable but he could always ask you to come for a ride anyways, since your boyf isn't here, obviously.
Or you can ignore him and walk away, but that can be awkward and usually means you spend as much time avoiding someone as you do enjoying the bar or club or museum or opera.

Here's what I've started doing:

Say you're married.

I was in Florence about two months ago and I was walking to the store to get groceries for my family while they were at a museum.
A guy came up and asked me for a cigarette and I gave him one. He then started making conversation.
"Where are you headed?"
"The store, I have to get food for my family for dinner tonight."
I don't know why he assumed this, but he asked, "You married?"
My choices were to say no and have to keep talking to him, or lie.
"Yeah, three years now."
In my head I'm married to this guy, just for reference:

Oh Jason.
And the guy said, "Oh, wow, I really respect a married woman, that's great."
"Yeah, love of my life, haha."
"Do you have kids?"
Well...I hadn't seen that coming. But sure, already married to Jason Segel, might as well have a kid...and a fat dog:

Only after telling him I was married and had a child did he seem willing to let me walk away and buy a pound of brie at the Esselunga.

Moral of the Story: Tell 'em your married. It's douchey to hit on married women.