Definitions

Open up your brain so I can store some knowledge in there!

Today is yet another day wherein I teach you things that you probably didn't know.
There are a lot of these sorts of things, but today we only have time for one (maybe two).

We're going to learn a new phrase today, and you're going to like it.
"Lady Boner," or, conversely, "Gentleman Boner."

Never heard of it? Well, after this post you'll be an expert.

This is inspired by a conversation I recently had with a friend, wherein I asked if the average guys thinks about the difference between "hot" and "beautiful."
It's a very difficult thing to articulate, but I find myself often thinking about it. There are implications and meanings tied to calling someone "hot" or "pretty" or "cute," and you wouldn't call Megan Fox cute the same way you wouldn't call a puppy dog "hot."

Here is what I have gathered, from my own life observations and the conversation.
"Hot" is the girl or guy you see at a bar and you really just want to see them naked. You don't really want to have to talk to them, but man do you wanna touch their butt. "Hot" is a bar hook-up, or someone's hot body, or a nudie picture. "Hot," I think, is young and temporary and shallow, but, obviously, it is a pretty good thing to be.

"Beautiful" is the man or woman you see somewhere, and you can't help but think "Woah." You want to have coffee with them or wake up next to them or date them for a year. "Beautiful" is solid and it ages nicely and it is the kind of person you really want to date and get to know.

This isn't to say that they are mutually exclusive, someone can be both hot and beautiful (Christina Hendricks, anyone?), but it is a fairly difficult balance to strike. It also isn't to say that one is better than the other, because there are people who like their mates hot and there are people who like them beautiful.

In fact, that is why I have decided to talk about Lady Boners and Gentleman Boners.

A "Lady Boner" or "Gentleman Boner" is someone you find really, really attractive. It is a fun way to describe a hot and/or beautiful person.

So, here are examples, I would say that this guy

gives me a Lady Boner, but I'd also agree to hear about his feelings. It's a dignified Lady Boner.

But this guy, gives me a Lady Boner and I just wanna see him naked all the time and if he talks I'll be annoyed. It's still a Lady Boner, but there's no classiness to it...just abs...so much abs...

See? Difference.

I have become a huge fan of using this word, mostly because I think the word "boner" is funny, but also because it is less exact than calling them hot.

For your viewing pleasure:

Lady Boners

Gentleman Boners

Moral of the story: Hot or beautiful, you're all perfect to me.

My Ideal Man

I know that everyone has been waiting patiently (and yet eagerly) for me to blog about the qualities I look for in a man.

It is your lucky day!

I'll begin with an aside, though, to set you up for the potentially surprising list ahead (especially if you don't know me super well).

A long time ago Alison and I were mulling over our Lists of 5.
What is that, you might ask?
Oh, I'll tell you.
It's that thing where you choose 5 celebrities you'd get to bone if you had the chance, no matter what level of relationship you're in.
Alison's was pretty standard if I recall correctly: James Roday, Zac Efron, James Marsden...the expected level of hotness in a celebrity wish list.

Here is my list:
1. Jason Segel
2. Seth Rogan
3. Jonah Hill
4. Nathan Fillion
5. Andy Samberg

Did you spot any sort of pattern?
Here, I'll help.

See it now?

Good.

I couldn't find a picture of these three plus Samberg but Google images that bitch and you'll see it holds true.

Nathan Fillion is a bit of an outlier and he is on this list for two very VERY good reasons: Captain Malcolm Reynolds and Captain Hammer. 

As I mentioned before, in my dreams I am married to Jason Segel, and this especially comes in handy when I have to lie about being married in order to stop some random dude from hitting on me.
Señor Segel is a VERY high scorer in the following categories.

Here are three of the main traits I appreciate most in a man friend:

MUST be between 6'2" and 6'5" tall. While he can be between 6' and 6'2" it's just slightly too short and if he is over 6'6" then he is going to be more than a foot taller than me and that would just look silly (for those keeping score at home, Jason measures in at 6'4"). Though...the taller a boy is the farther away his face is, so it matters less and less whether or not he is good looking...I'm going to keep that in mind. It might come in handy some day...

Really OUGHT to be artistic in some way. If he wants to make music, that's great or if he can write, then that's great too. If he paints or sings or acts I'm fine with that. So long as he is passionate about it and willing to share (in related news Jason is a writer, actor, and a musician so...chalk that up to a win).

A boy who can make me laugh is going to rank WAY higher than a guy with six pack abs (though I like when boys are slightly pudgier so that isn't a great comparison). If he is funny and nice and witty, that's going to be a lot more impressive than a Mustang or a Rolex or a fly booty (I don't even need to remind you about how perfectly Mr. Segel fits this criteria...including the fly booty part).

SEE! All three of those are things I really enjoy in boys, and they're all things that Jason is! IT IS PERFECT!

Moral of the story: If I don't reign it in I'm going to cross over into the creep stalker zone of fans...

How To:

New Feature:

Every few posts I'm going to share with you the best possible way to do something. A How To section, if you will.

For our first time, I'm going to teach you:

How To Make A Guy (Or Girl) Stop Hitting On You.

We have ALL been hit on.
For some of us, it happens almost constantly and to the point where you run out of ways to say no.
There's the classic: "No, I'm not interested."
A more polite: "No, thank-you though."
Or the more forward and more rude: "Get lost."
There's even: "Get out of my face."

But those don't always do the trick.
Sometimes a dude is too forward or too drunk and you gotta pull out the big guns.
Pretending to be a lesbian only works if he isn't going to try and make you come home with him AND another chick.
Saying you have a boyfriend is reliable but he could always ask you to come for a ride anyways, since your boyf isn't here, obviously.
Or you can ignore him and walk away, but that can be awkward and usually means you spend as much time avoiding someone as you do enjoying the bar or club or museum or opera.

Here's what I've started doing:

Say you're married.

I was in Florence about two months ago and I was walking to the store to get groceries for my family while they were at a museum.
A guy came up and asked me for a cigarette and I gave him one. He then started making conversation.
"Where are you headed?"
"The store, I have to get food for my family for dinner tonight."
I don't know why he assumed this, but he asked, "You married?"
My choices were to say no and have to keep talking to him, or lie.
"Yeah, three years now."
In my head I'm married to this guy, just for reference:

Oh Jason.
And the guy said, "Oh, wow, I really respect a married woman, that's great."
"Yeah, love of my life, haha."
"Do you have kids?"
Well...I hadn't seen that coming. But sure, already married to Jason Segel, might as well have a kid...and a fat dog:

Only after telling him I was married and had a child did he seem willing to let me walk away and buy a pound of brie at the Esselunga.

Moral of the Story: Tell 'em your married. It's douchey to hit on married women.