Definitions: Woos Woos Woos

Have you ever had a dream?
I have.
I have had lots of dreams.
Like one time there was a zombie apocalypse and I got locked in a room with Jason Segel...and it was awesome.
But also there are other dreams, like Vegas.
Vegas is the greatest dream a person can dream.
Vegas is a place where you can do things without consequences, and do people without having to know their names, and you can Woo freely.
Oh, you don't know about Wooing?
Don't worry, I'll let you know all about it.

A Woo is a sound. A Woo is a call. A Woo is an expression of self.

A Woo is made by a Woo Girl. Though they have existed for decades (perhaps centuries), the name and phrase were only recently coined by the show How I Met Your Mother.

"Like the laughing kookaburra a or whip-poor-will, the Woo Girl gets her name from the distinctive sound she makes."

You've all heard the Woo, and I can safely assume that most of you women have Woo'd at least once in your life. Urban Dictionary has a fairly judgmental take on the group, and technically so does the episode, but I'm more positive about them.

They wear sparkly things, travel in packs, wear a lot of make-up, do shots, go to tacky themed bars, and are easily excited. That sounds like a super amazing night in Vegas to me.

For some the Woo covers up sadness or disappointment in their life, but for others the Woo is a way to celebrate good things without having to articulate anything.

You Woo to congratulate someone on a job, or a marriage proposal, or a make-out, or a new dress.
You Woo when you get shots, or Long Island Ice Teas, or beers, or a free bottle of champagne.
You Woo when you get in to a bar free, when your favorite song comes on, when a guy starts hitting on your friend, and when your team gets a point in their sporting event.
You Woo if things are good, and you Woo if things are great.
You Woo if things make you happy, and you Woo if things make you drunk.


And I think, without a doubt, Vegas is the place that a Woo Girl can really spread her legs and Woo.


Moral of the story: Wooing is for winners.

Tyin' the Knot

Marriage

I know you're all desperate to propose to me, and I can understand why.
I am awesome.

But your undying, burning love is not the reason I have written this post, no, you see some thing have come to light recently and I want to discuss them with you.

My uncle just passed away, which is very sad, mostly because it was very sudden.
That isn't the thing that came to light though.

What came to light is the fact that he is married.
He was married twice before, and had been dating a new woman for a couple of years, but apparently THEY GOT MARRIED 8 MONTHS AGO and didn't feel like telling anyone.
Somehow we found out a couple weeks ago, through a slip of the tongue or something, but his children have only found out he was married because of his death.

HIS CHILDREN DID NOT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED

You might say, "It was his third marriage so there was no reason to put up a fuss about it or have a ceremony or anything." Yes, but it was a) her first marriage and b) even if you don't want to do anything fancy, you should at least TELL people about it.

Secret marriages!

My friend Brian's family just had a similar thing happen wherein one of his cousins got married without really telling anyone.

Who does that?

Even if you think weddings are stupid, or you don't want to make a big deal out of it. At least send out a card, or...ya' know tell your children.

I personally do think weddings are stupid.
That is a lot of money spent on ONE day in your life.


Also, here are some big problems I have with the wedding ceremonies and why I refuse to have one:

First off, I'm not religious so having a ceremony is entirely pointless.
Second, I'm sure you know that brides are supposed to wear white because it shows that they are pure and virginal.

 

Yeah...that's not applicable. Also, wedding dresses are ridiculous. Look at this thing. I bet that dress costs 7,000 dollars at least. You look like a crazy person in that much pouf and sparkle. Also, now you have a seven thousand dollar dress that you can never wear again and do nothing with. Useless!

Next, engagement rings! Technically, chronologically, they come earlier but whatever. Do you know why engagement rings are thing? Women wear them as a token from their men so that other dudes know that woman is taken and off limits. Men don't have to wear them because men, unlike women, are not property and do not belong to their spouse. Men eventually wear wedding rings, but before that they can do whatever they like.

I call shenanigans.

ALSO!

Veils! Those were invented so you couldn't see your bride's face before taking the vows, and then, if she's ugly, it's too late to back out! I always love things that are meant to trick men into marrying me!
Bullshit.

ALSO!
Fathers walk their daughters down the aisle as a symbolic gesture that their property (the daughter) is being transferred to the ownership of her husband! Literally giving her to the husband. Because women are property.

So, the evidence stacks up against weddings.
I'm not against marriage. I think it's a good, responsible choice.
Weddings though?
Bullshit.

I'll walk down the aisle for one man, and I think you all know who that is.

Yeah.

Moral of the story: FUCKING TELL PEOPLE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED

My Ideal Man

I know that everyone has been waiting patiently (and yet eagerly) for me to blog about the qualities I look for in a man.

It is your lucky day!

I'll begin with an aside, though, to set you up for the potentially surprising list ahead (especially if you don't know me super well).

A long time ago Alison and I were mulling over our Lists of 5.
What is that, you might ask?
Oh, I'll tell you.
It's that thing where you choose 5 celebrities you'd get to bone if you had the chance, no matter what level of relationship you're in.
Alison's was pretty standard if I recall correctly: James Roday, Zac Efron, James Marsden...the expected level of hotness in a celebrity wish list.

Here is my list:
1. Jason Segel
2. Seth Rogan
3. Jonah Hill
4. Nathan Fillion
5. Andy Samberg

Did you spot any sort of pattern?
Here, I'll help.

See it now?

Good.

I couldn't find a picture of these three plus Samberg but Google images that bitch and you'll see it holds true.

Nathan Fillion is a bit of an outlier and he is on this list for two very VERY good reasons: Captain Malcolm Reynolds and Captain Hammer. 

As I mentioned before, in my dreams I am married to Jason Segel, and this especially comes in handy when I have to lie about being married in order to stop some random dude from hitting on me.
Señor Segel is a VERY high scorer in the following categories.

Here are three of the main traits I appreciate most in a man friend:

MUST be between 6'2" and 6'5" tall. While he can be between 6' and 6'2" it's just slightly too short and if he is over 6'6" then he is going to be more than a foot taller than me and that would just look silly (for those keeping score at home, Jason measures in at 6'4"). Though...the taller a boy is the farther away his face is, so it matters less and less whether or not he is good looking...I'm going to keep that in mind. It might come in handy some day...

Really OUGHT to be artistic in some way. If he wants to make music, that's great or if he can write, then that's great too. If he paints or sings or acts I'm fine with that. So long as he is passionate about it and willing to share (in related news Jason is a writer, actor, and a musician so...chalk that up to a win).

A boy who can make me laugh is going to rank WAY higher than a guy with six pack abs (though I like when boys are slightly pudgier so that isn't a great comparison). If he is funny and nice and witty, that's going to be a lot more impressive than a Mustang or a Rolex or a fly booty (I don't even need to remind you about how perfectly Mr. Segel fits this criteria...including the fly booty part).

SEE! All three of those are things I really enjoy in boys, and they're all things that Jason is! IT IS PERFECT!

Moral of the story: If I don't reign it in I'm going to cross over into the creep stalker zone of fans...