Saint LovesALot

You guys need to know something.
I never planned on admitting this to the world because it seems to be a magnet for unending shit, but that's okay.
I am ready.
I am willing.


I love Valentine's Day.

Love it.

I have also, never had a Valentine, so don't assume it is that.
Maybe I just always root for the underdog, or maybe I just appreciate an excuse to make cards for people, but I've always enjoyed this much-scorned holiday.

Potentially, it is also because I have a long standing love for big romantic gestures.
Most people are never on the receiving end of them, which is sad but I know that it is how the world works.
I don't necessarily want to have one directed at me, okay, I do, but only because I want to react like Lucille Ostero in Arrested Development and say "How Grand! How terribly grand!" when something happens.
I just enjoy watching things like that happen. It is sweet and fun, and reaffirms my faith in love and junk.
I've never seen any thing like that in real life, but that is okay. The closest I came was when I guy proposed in the Up&Up in October. I've told you about my favorite bar before, and I described it as "NOT the kind of bar you hit on people at. It's all booths and tables and full of groups of friends. It's like the Cheers bar but better because no one is sad and we're all a lot younger." So we're sitting there and all of the sudden, across the way in a big booth is a dude on his knees in front of a girl and she says yes. I like to think that maybe that is where they went on their first date or had their first kiss, but also maybe not. I think they were also in the middle of a friend's birthday party, so...way to steal her thunder, guys.
But anyways, big romantic gestures are rare but fun, and I like them and any excuse for them.

St. Valentine's Day is also a great holiday for me because I get to make cards.

This year I only made about 38, so it is way down from some years in high school when it was closer to 80. They're all hand made and individual and no two are alike and I love doing it. I know that not many people do that anymore, since it hasn't been required since, like, 5th grade, but I really like doing it. I make cards for Christmas and birthdays too, obviously, but Valentine's is my favorite.
It is easy for people to get grumpy and lonely on this day dedicated to illegal marriages, so getting a card always appreciated.

Also it as an opportunity to show off how witty I am.



















And I am pretty witty.

As you can see.



But that's not the point.

It is about other people, and that is awesome.


Moral of the story: I love Valentine's Day, obviously.

Definitions: Woos Woos Woos

Have you ever had a dream?
I have.
I have had lots of dreams.
Like one time there was a zombie apocalypse and I got locked in a room with Jason Segel...and it was awesome.
But also there are other dreams, like Vegas.
Vegas is the greatest dream a person can dream.
Vegas is a place where you can do things without consequences, and do people without having to know their names, and you can Woo freely.
Oh, you don't know about Wooing?
Don't worry, I'll let you know all about it.

A Woo is a sound. A Woo is a call. A Woo is an expression of self.

A Woo is made by a Woo Girl. Though they have existed for decades (perhaps centuries), the name and phrase were only recently coined by the show How I Met Your Mother.

"Like the laughing kookaburra a or whip-poor-will, the Woo Girl gets her name from the distinctive sound she makes."

You've all heard the Woo, and I can safely assume that most of you women have Woo'd at least once in your life. Urban Dictionary has a fairly judgmental take on the group, and technically so does the episode, but I'm more positive about them.

They wear sparkly things, travel in packs, wear a lot of make-up, do shots, go to tacky themed bars, and are easily excited. That sounds like a super amazing night in Vegas to me.

For some the Woo covers up sadness or disappointment in their life, but for others the Woo is a way to celebrate good things without having to articulate anything.

You Woo to congratulate someone on a job, or a marriage proposal, or a make-out, or a new dress.
You Woo when you get shots, or Long Island Ice Teas, or beers, or a free bottle of champagne.
You Woo when you get in to a bar free, when your favorite song comes on, when a guy starts hitting on your friend, and when your team gets a point in their sporting event.
You Woo if things are good, and you Woo if things are great.
You Woo if things make you happy, and you Woo if things make you drunk.


And I think, without a doubt, Vegas is the place that a Woo Girl can really spread her legs and Woo.


Moral of the story: Wooing is for winners.

Bringin' It Back

I've spent the past week at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland, Oregon.

Hold your applause.

This is a family thing that we do every year, to come and see 7 plays in 4 days (or 6 in 3, or 8 in 4 or whatever combination we can work out). Usually we have 4 Shakespeare plays and 3ish other works of theatrical mastery. Impressive, no?
Shakespeare wrote some pretty awesome plays.
Othello, Macbeth, King Lear, Hamlet, and that one about impulsive idiots who fall in 'love' and kill themselves
All great works!
He spent a lot of his time coming up with and using fun words.

Many of these were fun words for 'a whore.'

Being here in Ashland, watching 10 or 12 hours worth of actors yelling at each other in Elizabethan English reminds me that these words tend to be AWESOME.
And I am bringin' them back into the vernacular!

So here we go:

Strumpet! (I always think of the word 'trumpet' when I hear this...I guess they're both things that are easily bought, make loud noises, and can be full of other people's spit if you aren't careful)
Jezebel!
Fornicatress!

Fuzzy, Cute, and Slutty

Shrew!                      Apparently this thing is also a shrew ---->
Tart! (not just a dessert anymore, it's now also a thing to call a slutty woman)
Harlot!
Tramp! (also a delightful Disney character)
Wench! (no, not a wrench, a wench)
Hussy!
Jade!

Now when you need to tell a woman that she is a skanky, no good, slutty, whore muffin, you can call her one of these words instead.

Moral of the story: Being a dork can come in handy when insulting the easier members of my gender.

How To: 2

Another chance for you to learn to be awesome, like me.

This post's lesson is all about...wait for it...wait for it...pass out and wake up four hours later with no recollection of what happened to you or how you ended up in Mexico but it doesn't matter because here comes...THE KNOCK AND COCK!

That's right ladies and gentlemen, the Knock and Cock.

Technically the "How To" is going to be: How To Seduce a Man Who Doesn't Want To Be Seduced. But, I really like saying "Knock and Cock" and I wanted to have a long build up to an all caps exclamation.

Here it goes, seducing unruly men. Well, if you are a lady creature and have anything even vaguely resembling boobs you are half-way to getting it on. A man finds it VERY hard to resist boobs of any size (I'm trying to be all inclusive for readers who are less top heavy).  It is in the very nature of boobs to make everything awesome and to seduce men. They reflect a woman's fertility; the bigger they are, the better for the offspring. 

Also, it's true...you just can't motorboat personality, and more importantly, your in depth knowledge of Battlestar Gallactica isn't going to entice a man from across the room, so you gotta hook 'em some how. Boobs are your best option. I guess a slammin' booty couldn't hurt, but not everyone can be as gifted as me (booyah).
Usually if you are trying to become a dude's nightime friend, all you have to do is ask. Dudes will, 90% of the time, go for it. You have to be doing something really wrong if you can't openly proposition a dude and he doesn't have his pants off four seconds later. If he does say no, it could be explained in several ways,  a) he is a gentleman, but who wants them anyways, b) he respects you as a person, but that's for sissies, or c) he isn't drunk enough yet.
Wait two beers, ask again. Repeat until bonage.

But, if he is really stubborn or you are really ugly, you can go for the Knock and Cock.
You've been wondering what that is, haven't you?
NOW YOU FIND OUT!

The Knock and Cock is also called "The Lady's Delight" if you are trying to be classy.
It is two things:
1) a roofie
2) a viagra
Crush 'em up, throw 'em in his drink, get him to a closet or a car's backseat or a bedroom (if you're classy) and make woopie.

Easy.

Someone raised the question recently of how will the two pills interact. My answer: "He'll fuckin' pass out and get a boner, boom, done."
Health risks my ass.
If you're going to give a dude the Knock and Cock you're probably not super worried about his health. Let's be honest for a minute.
Is it date rape? Probably.
Is it a hilarious name? Obviously
Am I actually suggesting you do it? "No" (But I would love to hear about success stories of logistics issues you run into if you do)

Moral of the story: drug 'em and love 'em, that's the way to do it.

**Important Note: The term "Knock and Cock" was created and is currently copyrighted by Dr. Iant "The Ginger Butt" Bennett. He's really mad I didn't write that in the original post.

If You're Going To Be A Whore...

This is the story of how this blog got its title:

It all starts on a cold night in Florence, Italy where we stand awaiting a beer pong tournament at one of many bars crowded to the seams with American students.

There are girls in completely weather inappropriate clothing making out with 30-year-old Italian dudes who still live with their moms, and drunk American guys wishing they were as forward as the Italian dudes...or they ARE as forward as the Italians. That, I think, is worse because you can't just tell them you don't speak their language and walk away. You HAVE to talk to them because they also speak English and they have a cousin from the same city as you and that's cool and oh, hey here's a drink that's totally NOT called a Vodka Roofie-Tonic, and now you're trapped in fifteen minutes of awkward drunk chatting.

Just another night in a study abroad semester, but this is fine with me because anything is better than sitting in my room wishing I had puffy cheetos and Netflix Instant Watch episodes of Law and Order: SVU. That's a sad life.

So, there was a group of dudes, I don't remember from where or how we got to talking to them, but at a certain point we had to introduce ourselves, obviously. They are Americans who are trying to not feel like total lame-ohs while the Italians scoop up all the slutty girls from the study abroad programs.
Okay, so, anyways, the guy is moderately good looking (if memory serves...and it doesn't) and we're girls, so there are flirt missiles flying around like wasps on a watermelon.
It's balls-ass loud in here because of all the people and music and kareoke in the other room and somehow I think there's a parade outside so it's louder than that time I sat on the remote and turned the volume all the way up. That's pretty fucking loud. So we all have to repeat our names or shout them or over-enunciate and you can only do that once or twice before it's EVEN more awkward.  
The conversation goes as follows:
Dude: I'm Dude.
Everyone: WHAT?
Dude: DUDE!
Everyone: Oh, hey.
My friend: I'm Ari, like Ari Gold from Entourage.

(I don't watch the show, but I assume a character is name Ari Gold.)
 <--That guy? Google and Wikipedia tell me that's him. I trust those sources.

Now, I'm trying to be witty because that's what I do when I feel awkward about something, and one of these dudes was heavily invested in staring at my cleavage, so awkward was how I felt. Something else you may need to know about me is that I'm not very good at being in big crowds of people; bars, house parties, tourist attractions, riots, lunch lines, none of it really works for me. I get really uncomfortable and end up scooting to the edges and watching people and making fun of them when they can't hear me over the music and get upset. Anyways, I'm trying to be funny, so this is what I blurt out:
Me: I'm Mary, like the mother of God.
Boom.
Victory.

Everyone laughs, I'm popular! People will remember me! I rock!
It was a successful night of losing beer pong, and getting hitting on, and all the things you dream of when you're a little girl.

Then, as always happens, people find out how bad I am at saying 'no' to advances made by dudes over six foot two...or guys under six foot two...or...just...men in general. That fact in combination with how hilarious I was that one time, created the idea for this.
So now you have to suffer it.
Boom.
Victory.

So the moral of the story is that if you're going to be a whore, then you may as well be an awesome one.