The Sexiest Playlist

I really enjoy making playlists.

A lot.

Everyone does, though, honestly.

I usually make them for roadtrips or types of music, but occasionally also for special events or themes.
LIKE BONING.  

A long time ago I made a pretty sexy playlist, and I think that, for those who struggle with finding good "doing it" music, it would be good to share with everyone.

I warn you, this may be too sexy for some people...and also maybe too 80's, but that has never been a problem for me...I also love the '80's and power ballads so that might be a factor. Consult your night time friend for their opinion on it.

Hopefully you are wise enough to bone someone who likes '80's music though, if not, I'm disappointed in you.

Your foreplay song: "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off" -Jermaine Stewart
Download it: http://www.youtube-mp3.org/#v=TmAYwGw_eDI

From there we go to "I Didn't Mean To Turn You On" -Robert Palmer and we have a good, fun theme going, which everyone enjoys.  Then "I Wanna Sex You Up" -Color Me Badd which is arguably the most delightful doing it song ever
Download it: http://www.youtube-mp3.org/#v=ooehGnxcUOQ

"Naughty Girls Need Love Too" -Samantha Fox
and
"Temptation" -Corina

And it isn't a sex playlist without some MICHAEL BOLTON

He makes, literally, the best music of all time and I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG. I am not kidding in any way. I FUCKING love this song. A lot. So much. And Bolton. I love him. LOVE HIM!

This transitions us perfectly into the romance of it all: "Freak Me Baby" -Silk and it only gets sexier from here.

"Making Love Out of Nothing At All" -Air Supply and "When I See You Smile" from Bad English are REALLY fabulous slow bang songs.

You can get them here: http://www.youtube-mp3.org/#v=cu6pclWsxzs and here http://www.youtube-mp3.org/#v=6lE6Htee0sA because you NEED them.

Last, of course, to really seal the deal with this dude or lady falling for you is

MOTHER FUCKING "TAKE MY BREATH AWAY" BY BERLIN!

That bitch will be all up on your junk if you play them this song. Bitches love this song.
Maybe I just love this song...

I really ought to have been alive in the 80's so these would be poignant and useful for getting laid.
Turns out dudes these days aren't super impressed when you know all the words to Michael Bolton songs...tragic really.

So I really recommend you use this playlist to help you get laid and loved.

It's foolproof.

Supplemental songs include "When 2 Become 1" from the Spice Girls, "I Melt With You" by Modern English, "Everything I Do, I Do It For You" by Brian Adams, and "Time, Love, and Tenderness" from the unconquerable Michael Bolton.

Moral of the story: You're welcome.

Vegas Is My Dreamworld

In March I am graduating college, and as a treat to myself and the world I am going to Las Vegas for 3 days and 4 nights. As part of this trip, I am, of course, encouraging Alison to make as many or more bad decisions than anyone else. Part of this requires me to come up with theorems to support my incredible genius.

I'm going to share them with you, so you can apply them to your future trips.

We begin with the Puke Point Proposal (PPP).
So you start out sober, as seen on this image which I made:

 

Then you drink X drinks to hit your Puke Point, and the first time, PP1, is easily conquered. You have to push past the Puke Point, and continue drinking so that your night can keep getting awesomer. With each rotation of the drunk circle, the number of drinks between Puke Points is decreased by half. So, between PP1 and PP2, you can only have half of X number of drinks you had to hit PP1. Get it? 

So Alison drinks 10 drinks to go from sober to vomiting. Then she conquers PP1 and can have 5 more drinks before hitting PP2. This goes on and on and on until you hit critical capacity/alcohol poisoning.

Next!

According to my extremely accurate math, Alison has to drink 4.6 drinks per hour while in Vegas. Easy!

LAST, and my favorite is:

So the math is pretty complicated but it ends up being about 20 dudes for Alison's NoPYHTBWIV number. I doubt you guys would quite understand it, because it was over Alison's head too. Don't worry, I'm smart.
A good rule of thumb is that if the number is under 15, you're doing something wrong. Check the numbers!

I highly suggest you apply these explanations, sequences and proposals to your own life and Vegas trips. They will only serve you well, as they will serve me and Alison.

Moral of the story: Vegas is the place your liver goes to die.

Variety

In the spirit of Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus, here is a list of types of people you should date at least briefly during your life.
Obviously you won't get to all of them, but try and get a little variety.

The "way too hot for me" person
The person who reads a lot
The person with a weird/new sex fetish
The rich person
The adventurer
The great cook
The person you can be lazy with
The nerd/geek/dork
The douchebag
The "way too nice for me" person
The traveler
The "way too smart for me" person
and
The "way too dumb for me" person
The crazy
The person who will keep you grounded no matter what
The best friend turned lover
The person with a very specific interest (like model trains or knitting hats)
The long shot
The outdoorsman
The person you'd never bring home to your parents
The poor person
The social butterfly
The person with all the ins to clubs and restaurants
The person you wish could spend the rest of your life with
The person you do spend the rest of your life with (they're likely to be different)

Moral of the story: Love is like a box of chocolates, you take a bite out of each one until you find your favorite, then you eat all of it.

Walk This Way

Phew, look at the time! It's...a week past the time I was supposed to post!
Good work, self!

High Fives for Good Work!

So, instead of angrily type-yelling at you about cheaters (spoiler alert for next week!), I thought I'd tell you a super funny story. You'll love it, I promise.

Once upon a time, many years ago, when I was just a young thing of no more than seventeen, I had a group of friends who always liked to drink. Oh man, did we drink. So much drinkery. It was a lot of fun, but as you all know, drinking leads to bad decisions. So many terrible decisions.
My friend...uhh...I'll be discrete and call him...John Mcclane, made one such terrible decision. He decided to have sex with a random girl at a party. I don't remember really seeing her before they disappeared together, but I remember shaking my head at his choice of women (I think she was wearing a My Chemical Romance shirt, or something else tacky and soooo 2004).
We didn't think much of it.

Then, fuck knows how long after that, myself and a couple other people (we'll call them Theo and Karl...and we'll call me Hans...) were trying to find a place to smoke inside the house without having the host see. So we go opening doors looking for an empty room.

You know exactly where this is going.

This guy reacts to being walked in on...

Oh no! It's John Mcclane!

But here is what is so particularly unique and strange about this set up:
He is lying there on his back, starfished.

In case you don't know what it means "To Starfish."

This girl is...oh, how do I say it? She's riding him like one of those mechanical bull machines at tacky Western themed bars. This girl is going banana nuts on his banana...and nuts.
John though? Just...lying there. Completely nonplussed.

So we've opened the door and are all standing there, shocked. We haven't moved but to tilt our heads to one side or the other, caught between being impressed and wondering if maybe this is nonconsentual.
Then, slowly, John leans around the girl and makes eye contact with us.
He smiles.
He waves.
Then lays back down.

The girl does not notice. She...maybe she even refuses to notice, or she's so drunk and so into it that she simply doesn't see the light we've shown on the situation, nor does she notice his sudden movement.

Anyways, what are we to do but smile awkwardly, wave back, and get the fuck out.

Oh...high school, you're so silly.

Moral of the story: Maybe knock before walking into random rooms at parties...

Rebound(ed)

Let's talk.
Breaking up is hard to do.
Yes, I did just do that to you.
Sorry I'm not sorry.


Moving right along! Breaking up means you're suddenly single again, unless you did that douchey thing where you break up with someone for someone else. That has always seemed rude to me. It also blurs the line cheating, I think, and we all know that cheating is the most asshole-y thing you can do.
So. You're single now.
What to do?


Depending on how long the relationship was, I usually say you get a day for each month the relationship lasted. If you only dated for a month, you should probably get over it pretty quick. If you dated for two years, well, you get a month to get over that. That's a lot of relationship.


But then there is that complicated period after a break-up where you're not sure if you're getting with someone as a rebound, or as a new relationship.

Situation: You just got out of a two year relationship, it's within the prescribed mourning period (24-28 days), but you're going out to the bar with friends to try and stay chipper. Oh look, a cute boy, and then you make out.
Rebound.
Duh.


But what about if you got out a six month relationship over a month ago? Well that's not a rebound, you're just making out with someone. Obviously.

It can be difficult, depending on the seriousness of the relationship, to determine where the line is. It changes for each person and each relationship, and each new thing, but I don't believe you can happily start a new relationship a week after ending another one.

I knew someone in high school who did that. He had a serious relationship that lasted probably eight months and was pretty serious/dramatic. It was exhausting. Anyways, this girl broke up with him in a sudden way and less than a week later he was with a new girl.
You need time to sort out your feelings and recover. You're taking those feelings for that first person and just rolling them over on to your new mate. That seems weird.
Anyone else think it's a little strange?


Moral of the story: You're perfectly fine to hook up with whomever you please, but don't fool yourself into thinking it's not a rebound. There's nothing wrong with them!

It's A Treasure Map...Of Awkward

It's a new year, readers.

I'm 22 now, time to be mature. Time to be...a person...or whatever.
So, in the spirit of maturity and adulthood, I'm going to talk about something near and dear to my heart: places you make out but you deffs shouldn't.

As suggested by my dear friend Chris Antes; the cockpit of an airplane! Or the cockpit of anything, I guess. I don't know what other things have cockpits, but I imagine they are not good places to make out either. You never want to distract the guy who is keeping you from running into the summit of a mountain. Never.

Other places that I have realized aren't great ideas to smash face holes:

Locker rooms
In the gorilla enclosure at the zoo
Walk-in freezers
Mid-way through defusing a bomb
While driving
Class
Mars
While dumpster diving
In an uninvolved third party's bed
In that same person's closet after they (supposedly) threw you out of their house
In that same person's car that you broke into later that same night
Tattoo parlors
Trashcans
Subways...you know what?-that includes the mode of transportation AND the fast food establishment
In a boxing ring while there is a fight going on
Stairwells
Fountains
In a movie theater because that is awkward for everyone
Under water (YOU WILL DROWN)
On horseback
In a nursery
On a table
On the Galactica (either you OR they will get shot by or turn out to be Cylons, maybe both!)
In the oven
In the line at Starbucks during the busy hours
Disneyland
Disneyworld
Disneyland-Paris
On a roller coaster
In a blizzard
During your bi-weekly KKK meetings
On Skype
While rock climbing
The gym
Cabinets
Hidden behind the bar at your favorite club because someone, probably a bartender, will find you and throw you out forever and then you will be sad because you can never return to a place you love
In an alleyway
A kindergarten classroom
Inside a wall

I'm sure there are plenty more, and I'd keep going but I don't want you to feel that limited in your make-out options.

Moral of the story: Don't make out there.

How To: 4

Seducin'

Some of you probably aren't great at getting laid (you know who you are). So I am going to give you some tips on how to knock boots...or how to get the opportunity, anyways. Actual advice on wiener-works is a much later "How To."

We've already covered how to transition into relationships (it was pretty simple advice, if you don't remember it...you might be a moron), so this is more advice on getting into physical relationships, not really emotional ones. I have a friend trying to get on a guy, and she's having problems with the idea of just saying it. He's easily made nervous by girls and so I've compiled a list of a few things I think will help warm someone up to the idea of being with you. It's a good idea to use these to get them in the sack and then figure out where you two want to go.

Usually, for ladies, it's just a matter of being flirty and available and near the guy. But say you have a guy you are into who is less easy? What do you do?

All these tips can be applied to the seduction of gentlemen OR ladies, and require more effort than being drunk and in a bar.

1- Figure out which is your best feature and emphasis it. Or them, if you are like me and have several. Be careful though, only really show off 1 or 2 at a time. If you have great lips and eyes and legs and boobs, then wearing a low-cute shirt, short skirt, a lot of lipstick and eyeliner is going to scoot you over the line from pretty so...eewie. It's the difference between Mila Kunis and Courtney Love.

2- Make eye contact and smile. Is your bitch talking? Focus up. Look at 'em, smile, be interested (or fake it, whatever), and, occasionally, nod or something. If they feel like you are interested in them, they'll be interested in you.

C- Make some physical contact. This is a good move I use a lot. He's talking, we're making eye contact, I smile, and he says something funny. I touch his arm and laugh.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Now he's all tingly and conscious of my magical touchy hands. Booyah.
A variation is to brush hands on accident (oops!) or Gentlemen, put your hand on the small of her back as you walk through crowds.
Keep this up. Little bits of contact will build up a 'this isn't weird' thing in their mind. It is strange to go from no contact at all to nekkid rubbing and these will bridge the gap.

4- Give them some compliments. Tell that bitch he looks nice today, or he's funny. Or you like his hair. Or he's smart. Whatever you have to say, say it. A compliment a day/every time you hang out. Too many sounds insincere though, if you can't think of something, don't make it up...or do. If you say nice things they'll start to associate you with feeling good about themselves and that is a great way to get them on your business.*

5- Evolution of Hanging Out. Go from large groups to small groups to 1-on-1 hang outs. It'll build you closer together and will give you opportunities.

6- Speaking of Opportunities, Find Yours. You have to find the right time to pounce. If you've followed the steps and see they're responding positively, this shouldn't be an issue. Just take advantage of walking them home from the bars. Or if you are watching a movie. Or if you're having a naked tickle fight. Find your time.

There. Now you have an easy little reference guide for when you are trying to get someone to bone you and just don't know how to go about it.

*-This is a warning to all of you: "The Mystery Method" is for douchebags. It's that thing where you insult someone a little bit in order to make them want you. I don't care if it works for him. Those are skanks and any real person will see through that and be annoyed. Also, just look at him. If his face wasn't far away, I'd punch him. Hard.




Moral of the story: Go get 'em, tiger. You can do it!

Definitions

Have you ever made out with someone?

Theoretically, if you're not super lame, you have. First you put your mouth on their mouth and then you mash your tongues together like flailing elephant seals and when you're done you fix your hair, walk out of the McDonald's walk-in freezer, and tell your friends about it.
When you do, what do you say?
"I totally just made out with this fine piece of ass, I think his name was Enrique or Solomon or some shit," and you high-five and move on.

Here is the key point: totally just MADE OUT with that fine piece of ass.
Sometimes, especially in my recent years, I have heard people say that they hooked up with that fine piece of ass.
Then I judge them because they boned in a walk-in freezer in a McDonald's. I voice these concerns because I'm pretty sure there are health codes about that kind of thing, and get reprimanded for assuming they boned when apparently they just kissed.

BUT YOU SAID YOU HOOKED UP.

When you hook up with someone, and when you say that you have hooked up with someone, it means you touched their wiener and saw them nakey and something has gone somewhere.
When all you do is make out, that's what you say. You don't say you hooked up because that makes me think something hilarious and inappropriate happened when all you did was kiss, and then I'm disappointed and confused. 

I guess for some people they think that making out is a subsection of hooking up and you can say the latter even if you only do the former. BUT you wouldn't say you made out when you actually had sex, because that's lying.

IT IS LYING, YOU ASSHOLES.

When you tell me that you hooked up but you only kissed it is lying, and that is rude and it ruins my life.

Example:
My friend says, "Did you hear that Alison hooked up with that guy Roland?"
I say, "REALLY? WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?"
The friend says, "Yeah, they totally made out at the party on Friday."
I respond, confused, "Wait, did they hook up or just make out?"
"They made out," and I am given an annoyed look.
"YOU FUCKING DICK."
I was so excited because I thought Alison made a hilarious and terrible decision that I could laugh at her about, but it turns out she only made a moderately bad choice that is less funny to mock her about. So you see?

Saying that you hooked up builds my hopes and dreams and then you dash them on the rocks of prudeness when it turns out you just kissed.

Moral of the story: Use phrases right, goddammit