Skanky Club Sex

As you well know, I recently took a grad trip/spring break to Vegas, the motherland for badass beautiful ladies like myself.

We DROVE down there, which was fun but also took 20 hours and I wanted to die.
The main problem we faced was that this is approximately what the drive looked like:

Beautiful, endless, shrub desert of boringness and mostly in the dark, so even worse.
20 hours later, and LOTS of pee breaks, we arrived.
VICTORY.
We stayed in the Luxor:

 

And that was delightful. We were right behind the sphynx!

So here is the main point of the post: one night we went to the club inside the Luxor, LAX.
It was a lot of fun, because, pro-tip, as a lady in Vegas you don't need to pay cover to get in to clubs and you often don't have to pay for drinks. If you wander around during the day bouncer/club promoter guys will approach you and offer you these wrist band things that get you in ahead of the line and for free and usually come with a "all you can drink vodka drinks until midnight or 1" deal.

Awesome, right?
There we are, on the dance floor, bobbing along to Ke$ha, and we glance up.
Now, in LAX, there is a balcony that hangs halfway over the dance floor so that people who pay a lot of money can dance up there above all us cheap plebeians.

Above us we see two people dancing. Sure, nothing normal about that...oh wait...her dress is hiked up above her hips. Maybe one of her friends should tell her, she probably doesn't know...oh wait...the dude she is dancing with is doing that intentionally and she is obviously in to it.
Now he is dipping a little too low for just normal grinding...
Now she is putting her leg up on to part of the railing and...
Wait...
Did she just reach between her legs to adjust something...
Is...
Are they...
MOTHER OF GOD

Yes, indeed, they are having sex.

She is waving at the crowd as we all stare up in horror and shock, and keeps reaching down to push "it" back in and OH  MY GOD THEY ARE NOT DOING IT AT AN ANGLE THAT WOULD WORK FOR VAGINAL INTERCOURSE
THERE IS BUTT SEX OCCURRING DIRECTLY ABOVE US

Abort mission.
Abort Vegas.
What the what the what?

I am not exaggerating. Butt sex. Balcony. Over a dance floor. Waving. Skanky.

How do you do that?
What the hell is wrong with your friends that they said, "Oh, Jessica is doing it with a dude up against the balcony right now, rock on."
How does that reflect on you? Or your parents?
I understand making out and heavy petting and even bathroom sex, but...that's a real stretch.

Needless to say it was the highlight/low light of the trip.


Moral of the story: At least you won't have to worry about getting pregnant?

Walk This Way

Phew, look at the time! It's...a week past the time I was supposed to post!
Good work, self!

High Fives for Good Work!

So, instead of angrily type-yelling at you about cheaters (spoiler alert for next week!), I thought I'd tell you a super funny story. You'll love it, I promise.

Once upon a time, many years ago, when I was just a young thing of no more than seventeen, I had a group of friends who always liked to drink. Oh man, did we drink. So much drinkery. It was a lot of fun, but as you all know, drinking leads to bad decisions. So many terrible decisions.
My friend...uhh...I'll be discrete and call him...John Mcclane, made one such terrible decision. He decided to have sex with a random girl at a party. I don't remember really seeing her before they disappeared together, but I remember shaking my head at his choice of women (I think she was wearing a My Chemical Romance shirt, or something else tacky and soooo 2004).
We didn't think much of it.

Then, fuck knows how long after that, myself and a couple other people (we'll call them Theo and Karl...and we'll call me Hans...) were trying to find a place to smoke inside the house without having the host see. So we go opening doors looking for an empty room.

You know exactly where this is going.

This guy reacts to being walked in on...

Oh no! It's John Mcclane!

But here is what is so particularly unique and strange about this set up:
He is lying there on his back, starfished.

In case you don't know what it means "To Starfish."

This girl is...oh, how do I say it? She's riding him like one of those mechanical bull machines at tacky Western themed bars. This girl is going banana nuts on his banana...and nuts.
John though? Just...lying there. Completely nonplussed.

So we've opened the door and are all standing there, shocked. We haven't moved but to tilt our heads to one side or the other, caught between being impressed and wondering if maybe this is nonconsentual.
Then, slowly, John leans around the girl and makes eye contact with us.
He smiles.
He waves.
Then lays back down.

The girl does not notice. She...maybe she even refuses to notice, or she's so drunk and so into it that she simply doesn't see the light we've shown on the situation, nor does she notice his sudden movement.

Anyways, what are we to do but smile awkwardly, wave back, and get the fuck out.

Oh...high school, you're so silly.

Moral of the story: Maybe knock before walking into random rooms at parties...