Skanky Club Sex

As you well know, I recently took a grad trip/spring break to Vegas, the motherland for badass beautiful ladies like myself.

We DROVE down there, which was fun but also took 20 hours and I wanted to die.
The main problem we faced was that this is approximately what the drive looked like:

Beautiful, endless, shrub desert of boringness and mostly in the dark, so even worse.
20 hours later, and LOTS of pee breaks, we arrived.
VICTORY.
We stayed in the Luxor:

 

And that was delightful. We were right behind the sphynx!

So here is the main point of the post: one night we went to the club inside the Luxor, LAX.
It was a lot of fun, because, pro-tip, as a lady in Vegas you don't need to pay cover to get in to clubs and you often don't have to pay for drinks. If you wander around during the day bouncer/club promoter guys will approach you and offer you these wrist band things that get you in ahead of the line and for free and usually come with a "all you can drink vodka drinks until midnight or 1" deal.

Awesome, right?
There we are, on the dance floor, bobbing along to Ke$ha, and we glance up.
Now, in LAX, there is a balcony that hangs halfway over the dance floor so that people who pay a lot of money can dance up there above all us cheap plebeians.

Above us we see two people dancing. Sure, nothing normal about that...oh wait...her dress is hiked up above her hips. Maybe one of her friends should tell her, she probably doesn't know...oh wait...the dude she is dancing with is doing that intentionally and she is obviously in to it.
Now he is dipping a little too low for just normal grinding...
Now she is putting her leg up on to part of the railing and...
Wait...
Did she just reach between her legs to adjust something...
Is...
Are they...
MOTHER OF GOD

Yes, indeed, they are having sex.

She is waving at the crowd as we all stare up in horror and shock, and keeps reaching down to push "it" back in and OH  MY GOD THEY ARE NOT DOING IT AT AN ANGLE THAT WOULD WORK FOR VAGINAL INTERCOURSE
THERE IS BUTT SEX OCCURRING DIRECTLY ABOVE US

Abort mission.
Abort Vegas.
What the what the what?

I am not exaggerating. Butt sex. Balcony. Over a dance floor. Waving. Skanky.

How do you do that?
What the hell is wrong with your friends that they said, "Oh, Jessica is doing it with a dude up against the balcony right now, rock on."
How does that reflect on you? Or your parents?
I understand making out and heavy petting and even bathroom sex, but...that's a real stretch.

Needless to say it was the highlight/low light of the trip.


Moral of the story: At least you won't have to worry about getting pregnant?

Going Nowhere

So it turns out I'm really good looking.

Much of my time overseas has been spent fending off the approaches of men.
I know! No one is surprised.

I thought I would recount some of the ridiculous instances of hitting-onery that have occurred.
Just a short, light post to make you laugh...maybe. I faced a bought of writer's block this week, so don't be too annoyed.

There was the night that three old guys standing in the shadows near a bar bought me a rose. They asked for me email address (what?) and said I would be a great mother.
Eew.

The time I was sitting on the steps of the Duomo (that's a church, by the way) in Florence, and two guys came up and asked me to take a photo for them. But, oh wait, the camera won't work, how funny! Hahaha, what's your name? Where are you from? You're very beautiful.
What?
All I wanted was to eat my gelato and now I'm being propositioned? It's two in the afternoon!
Go away...
But no, he didn't. He came to one of the bars later, but wasn't allowed in...so he just stood outside calling me until I came outside. Then I got scared and went away.

Oh, what about the time I was walking through the market and someone just yelled "You have beautiful lips!"
How do you respond to that?
Just...how?

Or maybe the time a waiter in Germany liked my "smile" and gave me dinner and drinks for free.
That was awesome.
Saved me 20 euro!

I think one of my favorite times was when I was walking with Ian and his parents, going from dinner to get gelato, and, while I was mid-conversation with his mom, a guy leans over and says "Hey, baby." I was walking past and didn't have time to react except to be weirded out.
Who does that?
I was obviously occupied and with people!
Where did he think that was going to go? I would stop walking and come back to chat with him?
The hell is that?

Moral of the story: Men are weird.

How To: 5

Breakups

Yikes

As functional young adults, we've all been in relationships and we've all had to break up with people.
Well, hopefully you've done the breaking up a time or two, and haven't just always been the person who gets broken up with.
That'd be depressing.

So here are some quick tips about breakups (totally NOT from experience...):

Maybe don't do it over text at 3am when he is really stoned.
That will potentially be really uncomfortable for everyone involved.
I definitely didn't do that one time...

Classic

Also, maybe don't say "We were both expecting it, so don't be surprised."
That is less polite than you think, and also maybe they are a little surprised.
Didn't do that either!

Potentially it is a bad idea to have a screaming match in a Starbucks too.
That is awkward for everyone, not just the two of you.

But seriously, here is some real advice for break ups:
Be honest, and be diplomatic.
If the person is boring you, tell them "I don't think have very much in common."

If the person is a slob, "We have different priorities."

If you've maybe been sleeping with other people, "I think we have grown apart."

Boom.
Nailed it!

I honestly feel that the break up can effect your feelings about the relationship for ever. Think about it! If you have a mutual, adult-esque break up, then you probably won't be bitter or bitchy about the relationship you had. If you get dumped out of the blue (over text?) then you'll be pretty upset about it and probably quite resentful.

Moral of the Story: No one wants to be the douchebag who breaks up with everyone in douchey ways.