The Sexiest Playlist

I really enjoy making playlists.

A lot.

Everyone does, though, honestly.

I usually make them for roadtrips or types of music, but occasionally also for special events or themes.
LIKE BONING.  

A long time ago I made a pretty sexy playlist, and I think that, for those who struggle with finding good "doing it" music, it would be good to share with everyone.

I warn you, this may be too sexy for some people...and also maybe too 80's, but that has never been a problem for me...I also love the '80's and power ballads so that might be a factor. Consult your night time friend for their opinion on it.

Hopefully you are wise enough to bone someone who likes '80's music though, if not, I'm disappointed in you.

Your foreplay song: "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off" -Jermaine Stewart
Download it: http://www.youtube-mp3.org/#v=TmAYwGw_eDI

From there we go to "I Didn't Mean To Turn You On" -Robert Palmer and we have a good, fun theme going, which everyone enjoys.  Then "I Wanna Sex You Up" -Color Me Badd which is arguably the most delightful doing it song ever
Download it: http://www.youtube-mp3.org/#v=ooehGnxcUOQ

"Naughty Girls Need Love Too" -Samantha Fox
and
"Temptation" -Corina

And it isn't a sex playlist without some MICHAEL BOLTON

He makes, literally, the best music of all time and I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG. I am not kidding in any way. I FUCKING love this song. A lot. So much. And Bolton. I love him. LOVE HIM!

This transitions us perfectly into the romance of it all: "Freak Me Baby" -Silk and it only gets sexier from here.

"Making Love Out of Nothing At All" -Air Supply and "When I See You Smile" from Bad English are REALLY fabulous slow bang songs.

You can get them here: http://www.youtube-mp3.org/#v=cu6pclWsxzs and here http://www.youtube-mp3.org/#v=6lE6Htee0sA because you NEED them.

Last, of course, to really seal the deal with this dude or lady falling for you is

MOTHER FUCKING "TAKE MY BREATH AWAY" BY BERLIN!

That bitch will be all up on your junk if you play them this song. Bitches love this song.
Maybe I just love this song...

I really ought to have been alive in the 80's so these would be poignant and useful for getting laid.
Turns out dudes these days aren't super impressed when you know all the words to Michael Bolton songs...tragic really.

So I really recommend you use this playlist to help you get laid and loved.

It's foolproof.

Supplemental songs include "When 2 Become 1" from the Spice Girls, "I Melt With You" by Modern English, "Everything I Do, I Do It For You" by Brian Adams, and "Time, Love, and Tenderness" from the unconquerable Michael Bolton.

Moral of the story: You're welcome.

Variety

In the spirit of Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus, here is a list of types of people you should date at least briefly during your life.
Obviously you won't get to all of them, but try and get a little variety.

The "way too hot for me" person
The person who reads a lot
The person with a weird/new sex fetish
The rich person
The adventurer
The great cook
The person you can be lazy with
The nerd/geek/dork
The douchebag
The "way too nice for me" person
The traveler
The "way too smart for me" person
and
The "way too dumb for me" person
The crazy
The person who will keep you grounded no matter what
The best friend turned lover
The person with a very specific interest (like model trains or knitting hats)
The long shot
The outdoorsman
The person you'd never bring home to your parents
The poor person
The social butterfly
The person with all the ins to clubs and restaurants
The person you wish could spend the rest of your life with
The person you do spend the rest of your life with (they're likely to be different)

Moral of the story: Love is like a box of chocolates, you take a bite out of each one until you find your favorite, then you eat all of it.

It's A Treasure Map...Of Awkward

It's a new year, readers.

I'm 22 now, time to be mature. Time to be...a person...or whatever.
So, in the spirit of maturity and adulthood, I'm going to talk about something near and dear to my heart: places you make out but you deffs shouldn't.

As suggested by my dear friend Chris Antes; the cockpit of an airplane! Or the cockpit of anything, I guess. I don't know what other things have cockpits, but I imagine they are not good places to make out either. You never want to distract the guy who is keeping you from running into the summit of a mountain. Never.

Other places that I have realized aren't great ideas to smash face holes:

Locker rooms
In the gorilla enclosure at the zoo
Walk-in freezers
Mid-way through defusing a bomb
While driving
Class
Mars
While dumpster diving
In an uninvolved third party's bed
In that same person's closet after they (supposedly) threw you out of their house
In that same person's car that you broke into later that same night
Tattoo parlors
Trashcans
Subways...you know what?-that includes the mode of transportation AND the fast food establishment
In a boxing ring while there is a fight going on
Stairwells
Fountains
In a movie theater because that is awkward for everyone
Under water (YOU WILL DROWN)
On horseback
In a nursery
On a table
On the Galactica (either you OR they will get shot by or turn out to be Cylons, maybe both!)
In the oven
In the line at Starbucks during the busy hours
Disneyland
Disneyworld
Disneyland-Paris
On a roller coaster
In a blizzard
During your bi-weekly KKK meetings
On Skype
While rock climbing
The gym
Cabinets
Hidden behind the bar at your favorite club because someone, probably a bartender, will find you and throw you out forever and then you will be sad because you can never return to a place you love
In an alleyway
A kindergarten classroom
Inside a wall

I'm sure there are plenty more, and I'd keep going but I don't want you to feel that limited in your make-out options.

Moral of the story: Don't make out there.