Your First Line of Defense

There are a lot of things I'm good, well, there are a few things I'm good at, okay, there is at least one thing I am good at.

That thing is called "bitch face."

Bitch Face is when your face makes you seem like you're a bitch, but not just that, it makes the opposite sex not want to approach you in any way at all ever.

You don't just seem like a bitch, because some dudes are in to that, no, you're giving off this vibe like "If you talk to me I will introduce your face to my fist, and they will not get along well."

It is a well documented thing, and here are some examples:

Posh goes more for the "What the fuck are you doing, bitch?" Bitch Face. This one is most useful if you are already being approached by a guy or talked to and you don't want to find the words to make him go away.

This girl just has constant Bitch Face on this show, and maybe in real life too, and this is a great example of it. Straight mouth, no hint of a smile, tense jaw, and very slightly furrowed brow to imply that their very presence on this earth is an unending nuisance to you.

Selma's is showing us the classes drunk Bitch Face. You're a little frazzled at the end of the night and you end up just staring blankly and kind of sneering at the person. Then you leave.

Bitch Face can come about in one of several ways; some people are born with it, and their neutral face is bitchy looking. Where some people always smile or always look sad, some people just look bitchy. Some people can acquired the Bitch Face through years of practice, if they're lucky and study under a master. Some people get that way when they've been drinking, or under special circumstances, but it isn't their natural face.

Bitch Face has a lot of practical uses too: it helps keep gross bar fly boys at bay, it helps you get across campus quickly, it helps to keep people from asking you for help all the stupid time, it means you get left alone.

It can also be a curse since that means no one really wants to approach you. So when you do see a guy you want to have hit on you, pull out your best smile.

 Then you'll really dazzle them.

It can happen though, that if you have Bitch Face you end up standing around while your friends get hit on or danced with, and you just get annoyed and your Bitch Face gets more dramatic so people are even less inclined to approach you. Vicious cycle, guys.

Moral of the story: Bitch Face works...maybe too much.

Vegas Is My Dreamworld

In March I am graduating college, and as a treat to myself and the world I am going to Las Vegas for 3 days and 4 nights. As part of this trip, I am, of course, encouraging Alison to make as many or more bad decisions than anyone else. Part of this requires me to come up with theorems to support my incredible genius.

I'm going to share them with you, so you can apply them to your future trips.

We begin with the Puke Point Proposal (PPP).
So you start out sober, as seen on this image which I made:

 

Then you drink X drinks to hit your Puke Point, and the first time, PP1, is easily conquered. You have to push past the Puke Point, and continue drinking so that your night can keep getting awesomer. With each rotation of the drunk circle, the number of drinks between Puke Points is decreased by half. So, between PP1 and PP2, you can only have half of X number of drinks you had to hit PP1. Get it? 

So Alison drinks 10 drinks to go from sober to vomiting. Then she conquers PP1 and can have 5 more drinks before hitting PP2. This goes on and on and on until you hit critical capacity/alcohol poisoning.

Next!

According to my extremely accurate math, Alison has to drink 4.6 drinks per hour while in Vegas. Easy!

LAST, and my favorite is:

So the math is pretty complicated but it ends up being about 20 dudes for Alison's NoPYHTBWIV number. I doubt you guys would quite understand it, because it was over Alison's head too. Don't worry, I'm smart.
A good rule of thumb is that if the number is under 15, you're doing something wrong. Check the numbers!

I highly suggest you apply these explanations, sequences and proposals to your own life and Vegas trips. They will only serve you well, as they will serve me and Alison.

Moral of the story: Vegas is the place your liver goes to die.

2012 and Me

Welcome to 2012, blog.
Both me and my blog had a rough start to the new year (puking in a kitchen sink is never a good way to start anything), and poor bloggy got ignored for a week (or two, but who's counting).
No more!
I'm writing this blog and you're all going to like it, dammit.
So here we go.

I just signed up for online dating.
Some people think that's weird, or lame, or pathetic, but I say "Fuck it."
It isn't how you want your love story to start, certainly, but there's no pressure for these "matches" to be life-long things. In fact, honestly, I'm looking for something pretty short term. Not a one night stand or a booty call, but for the kind of relationship where's there's no pressure to last forever, where both people know and are okay with the idea that it could be two months or six months and then end. No. Big. Deal.

The major problem I have encountered, and you can all agree, is that the kind of men who hit on me in public places and in bars are NOT the kind of guys I really want anything to do with. Ever.
You remember Guy-Who-Went-To-Jail-For-Killing-His-Fiancee-I-Think? Or every man who hit on me while I was abroad?
They're probably not awful guys, but they're looking for someone and something that I'm not, and I neither can nor will provide.

So, with my track record in mind, I said "It's a new year, and I want to try something new."

I don't want to find a long-term boyfriend (barf) or the guy I'm going to marry (ugggggh cheesy). But I do want to meet new people, and have the opportunity to have actual conversations with men who are actually interested in me.
Getting hit on in bars is fine, sort of, but it's not what I like.
Bar hook-ups are fine, if you're safe and smart about it, but they're not what I want anymore.

You'll also be pleased to know that in five days of being signed up, I've got 2 dates already, and a creeper.
So there.

Moral of the story: I'm already living most of my life online, why not just round it out?

Can I get yo' number?

I love pick-up lines.
LOVE THEM.


I especially love when they go awry.

In fact, they're probably better when they go terribly.
Or when they're just terrible to begin with.

I just love pick-up lines.
I honestly think that if a dude used one on me, I'd be so charmed by its stupidity that I'd actually hold conversation with him. I wouldn't go home with him, but I'd chat. Mostly to find out why he ever thought it would work.

The thing I like most is that, usually, there is some major flaw in almost each and every pick-up line.
Examples:


"If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib."
Well...being compared to a chunk of dead animal is nice. But also, and here's where my intense knowledge of butchery comes in, the most valuable cuts of meat come from the tenderloin. That's where the fillet mignon comes from and that's the most expensive and tender cut of meat. Prime rib just comes from the ribs...ya' know...like all the other ribs on a cow. I guess maybe referencing "tenderloins" (tender loins) in a pick-up line is more forward than most guys want to be, but still.
You just compared this girl to raw meat, are you really getting respectful at the last minute?

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."
Why would you do that? Everyone would have to relearn the song and that would be a pain for everyone. You really want to cause people that much trouble? Rude.

"Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?"
I appreciate the rhyming. I also appreciate the polite question. It isn't "Can I come home with you?" it's really asking my opinion and taking my comfort into account.
Good work, pick-up line.

"If you were the new burger at McDonalds you would be the Mcgorgeous!"

I always enjoy being likened to a pile of fried grease that will give people heart attacks and kidney problems. Plus, adding the generic "Mc" in front of something really classes up the line.

"Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?"

As it turns out, the only way to make a living from being sexy is to be in porn...so...hopefully she's doing something other than just that or else you should maybe hit on someone else...ya' know...for herpes-evasion reasons.

"Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you."

This is a classic. I'd point out that a parking ticket does not have "fine" written all over it, in fact it only says "fine" once or twice (I know this because I get them almost constantly), but I know that isn't really helpful. Also, I'd hate to be a parking ticket because nobody likes them. Not even meter maids.

"I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?"

 Yes, theoretically, if you are anywhere near me tomorrow night I will be able to see you then too. I do like the word play, and it is clever. But also, tomorrow night is pretty short notice, what if I have a test to study for? What if I have plans? WHAT IF?

"Was your father a thief? (No. Why?) Because someone had to steal the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes."

How dare you impugn my father's honor! He is a nice man! Also, having a star in your eye is physically impossible and would be terribly painful. A giant ball of burning gas? Bad idea.

Also, look what I found while poking around for bad pick-up lines.

What could possibly be going on here?

We'll never know!

Moral of the story: Pick-up lines may or may not be the stupidest things ever.