The Dangers of Edible Underthings

We one time talked about eating in bed and it was a great discussion. Combining sex and food is a tradition that dates back to the earliest civilizations that had any sort of surplus and sex drive. It is an ancient and respectable tradition.
But that only applies to tappin' that ass and eating a sandwich at the same time.
It is neither ancient nor respectable to involve candy underthings in your love making.

The most popular sort of candy undergarments are made from those little round things that you get on necklaces and bracelets as a kid and then you try to eat them and all you do is gnaw on them hopelessly in an attempt to get a sugar rush. Plus, at a certain point you have candy dust all over you and a loose, soggy piece of elastic-y string around your neck.

 Yeah. They were great that first time in fifth grade but they've sucked ever since then.
And because they suck so bad, someone thought it was a good idea to turn them into underwearable.

The candy bra:

It looks like something I'd see in a warehouse at 3 am on a sad, confused fourteen-year-old girl in the middle of a sweaty, flailing, Ecstasy-fueled mob. She is also wearing bright orange converse shoes, tights (probably neon), has neon colored hair and her arms are covered in those "candies" bracelets which are actually just beads that spell out PLUR and their rave name...like TeknoLihtz or CandiiHart or RayvorzRStoopidd. Because they are.
So anyways, if I ever saw someone wearing this and saying "oooh baby, if you wanna see me naked, you're going to work for it!"
You mean I'm going to have to risk diabetes for something I can already see through the lines of candy?
Wonderful.
Also, this candy sucks and is not something I want to eat 2 boobs worth of.

The Candy Thong

As with all underpants: I do not want to touch them unless they are a) mine or 2) freshly laundered.
I can promise that this piece of edible naughtiness will never be either of those things.

There are a lot of problems with this thing, and not the least of which is comfort.
Tiny candy pieces rolling around between your ass cheeks? That's not fun, playful, or sexy. That's weird.
Also, you're still going to ask the other person to eat it, and unless it was JUST put on, this would be unspeakably gross to eat or put your face near. The dye from the candies would rub off on you, then you'd get candy dust all over everything and those sharp shards of candy as you crack some of them off...and then you'd have to be near the candies that were between the ass cheeks in the thong string.

No.
Not even if the alternative was to die by Cthulu.
No.

Moral of the story: Candy is dandy, but not when it's in your ass.

Can I get yo' number?

I love pick-up lines.
LOVE THEM.


I especially love when they go awry.

In fact, they're probably better when they go terribly.
Or when they're just terrible to begin with.

I just love pick-up lines.
I honestly think that if a dude used one on me, I'd be so charmed by its stupidity that I'd actually hold conversation with him. I wouldn't go home with him, but I'd chat. Mostly to find out why he ever thought it would work.

The thing I like most is that, usually, there is some major flaw in almost each and every pick-up line.
Examples:


"If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib."
Well...being compared to a chunk of dead animal is nice. But also, and here's where my intense knowledge of butchery comes in, the most valuable cuts of meat come from the tenderloin. That's where the fillet mignon comes from and that's the most expensive and tender cut of meat. Prime rib just comes from the ribs...ya' know...like all the other ribs on a cow. I guess maybe referencing "tenderloins" (tender loins) in a pick-up line is more forward than most guys want to be, but still.
You just compared this girl to raw meat, are you really getting respectful at the last minute?

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."
Why would you do that? Everyone would have to relearn the song and that would be a pain for everyone. You really want to cause people that much trouble? Rude.

"Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?"
I appreciate the rhyming. I also appreciate the polite question. It isn't "Can I come home with you?" it's really asking my opinion and taking my comfort into account.
Good work, pick-up line.

"If you were the new burger at McDonalds you would be the Mcgorgeous!"

I always enjoy being likened to a pile of fried grease that will give people heart attacks and kidney problems. Plus, adding the generic "Mc" in front of something really classes up the line.

"Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?"

As it turns out, the only way to make a living from being sexy is to be in porn...so...hopefully she's doing something other than just that or else you should maybe hit on someone else...ya' know...for herpes-evasion reasons.

"Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you."

This is a classic. I'd point out that a parking ticket does not have "fine" written all over it, in fact it only says "fine" once or twice (I know this because I get them almost constantly), but I know that isn't really helpful. Also, I'd hate to be a parking ticket because nobody likes them. Not even meter maids.

"I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?"

 Yes, theoretically, if you are anywhere near me tomorrow night I will be able to see you then too. I do like the word play, and it is clever. But also, tomorrow night is pretty short notice, what if I have a test to study for? What if I have plans? WHAT IF?

"Was your father a thief? (No. Why?) Because someone had to steal the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes."

How dare you impugn my father's honor! He is a nice man! Also, having a star in your eye is physically impossible and would be terribly painful. A giant ball of burning gas? Bad idea.

Also, look what I found while poking around for bad pick-up lines.

What could possibly be going on here?

We'll never know!

Moral of the story: Pick-up lines may or may not be the stupidest things ever.