Porn

I recently stumbled across this series of images...and I am fairly sure it is also a book and a calendar and probably a series of tacky posters too.
For those too lazy to click the link, I'll describe it.
Moderately attractive to fairly homely men do domestic chores or just perform common co-habitational courtesies.
It is called "Porn for Women."
Obviously! Because women are only turned on by seeing a man putting the toilet lid down, or agreeing to take out the garbage, or do this dishes.

Of course.

It's funny. I know it is intended to be funny, but it is just one example in a string of things that stumbleupon has sent me to that imply that women can only be pleased by having a man clean or do chores...so I'm going to use it as a jumping off point for today's post.

You know what is porn for women? Porn.

Why wouldn't it be?

Gollum is all about clean kitchens!

I'm not saying that porn is great for feminism, I mean...obviously that isn't the case. But this is about women getting aroused, not feminism.

If I'm going to watch porn I want to see some bimbo getting nailed, not some guy with a pencil mustache scrubbing a lasagna pan. Boo.

Look at this guy! He is...oh, how do I put this...not at all good looking.

Though, let's be honest, the men you see stickin' it to skanks in porn aren't real prizes either. In fact, I've seen some really horribly ugly men boning some fine bitches. You'd never see that in real life! Four guys in a van could never roll up next to a hot girl and convince her into a gang bang, and oh how convenient!-she isn't even wearing a bra or underwear! Thank god!

Porn is unrealistic to say the least. But at least it isn't stupid like photos of men sweeping.


Moral of the story: Funny video about how ladies love porn.

Tallywackers

This may come as kind of a surprise to you guys, but dicks are SO weird.
Seriously, have you ever really looked at one?-especially the flaccid ones. It's like when someone is born with an extra finger except it has not bones and it's just there being weird and making for uncomfortable conversation.
Eeew.
Testicles are super gross too. Wrinkly, floppy, ugly...and WAAAAAAY too sensitive. You can't go near them without potentially ruining everything. One wrong move and he is dry heaving in the corner, crying, and you're just confused and weirded out.
You know what makes the whole situation even worse?
Pubic hair.
Fuck pubic hair.
Ever had one stuck in your teeth? Gross. Horrifying. If that shit isn't kept in check it's like a weird, scratchy forest. I do, however, appreciate the recent recognition that men also have to keep it tidy and trimmed. Up until a couple years ago guys didn't really make that connection and while girls were expected to fuckin' shave patterns into theirs, guys didn't have to reciprocate. Thank god that has changed.

To illustrate just how weird dongs are, I'm going to tell a story:

I one knew a girl who never got nooky. At a party one night, after a 3 year dry spell (or some horrendous long time) a boy was drunk enough that he wanted to hook up with her. She was convinced to at least give him head. Then she did. Half way through, she puked on him.
YEAH.
She puked on him.
Now, it might have been her drunkness, or it might have been a gag reflex, but until I know different I am going to assume it was because of how horrible weird schlongs are and if you aren't around them fairly often it can become traumatizing to get your face that close to one, especially without any sort of warm up activity (like watching SAW are something, ya' know...so you're prepared for the horror).

I'm not saying I don't like man bits, obviously that isn't the case. And I'm not saying that a lady's love nest is a work of art (oh GOD no), and I'm not saying there aren't some really handsome trouser snakes out there, but I am saying that, no matter how much you dress it up, cocks are really weird.

Moral of the story: Who thought those were a good idea?