I have a very nice butt.
There. Now you know.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
This Is Really Weird Guys
I just switched to a new phone.
By that I mean I switched BACK to the phone I had at this time last year. Literally the same exact phone. I had a free upgrade and so I used it but it got me the shittiest phone possible. It was easily broken, it had a 48 hours battery life, it was ugly...the only good thing was the conversation-style texting.
So, after suffering it for...six or seven months (including the four I spent in Italy not using it, keep that in mind) I said fuck it and went back to my old phone.
Since the change I have had a strange series of text messages.
Day two of new/old phone:
At midnight on a Wednesday I received a text message saying "Hey, what's up. Long time no talk"
It wasn't a number in my phone, so I asked who it was...answer: a guy I used to hook up with during the spring of freshman year. A guy I hadn't talked to since then. A guy who doesn't go to my school. A guy who does go to school in Tacoma, where I was at the time.
WHHHHAAAAT?
He was a tool though, so it didn't bother me. It was extremely weird timing, since it was the first time I was in the area for longer than 2 days. Also, he said "we should kick it" and that's weird. No one says that, and also he's a douche. Obviously I said no, fuck off (you don't think I'm that easy, do you?).
Day six(ish):
"What up wheat bread?"
Wait...what?
Alison and I were at the zoo in Oakland, CA and watching a giraffe try to eat a palm tree when I got this text.
"Sorry, I don't have this number in my phone."
"Now you do."
NOT HELPFUL, JACKASS
I asked who they were and they responded, "White bread, duh."
Okay, thanks. I guess. I have never called anyone white bread and I have never been called wheat bread. In any situation, I think, there would be more occasion to call me white bread, considering how pale I am and my preference for, ya' know, white bread. It was awkward. Still don't know who that was.
Day eight(ish):
Received a text from a girl I went to high school with but hadn't spoken to in more than nine months. Still not sure what prompted that. She had no favor to ask, nor specific question. Very strange.
During spring break I also received two other surprising and surprisingly random texts.
One was asking for advice in a very awkward situation wherein a younger friend had two guys spending the night at her house and hooked up with one of them only to find out that the other liked her. Drama!
It was a very surprising text conversation, to say the least.
The other just said, "I had sex last night!"
It was from a friend with whom I chat openly about that sort of thing, so I suppose it wasn't an inappropriate message so much as a very surprising and random one. It was also deep in the pattern of random, out-of-place, unexpected texts so that added to the surprise.
Day...today:
Yet another guy who wants on my business sends me a text. He saw a really cute girl who reminds him of me (aww).
More delightful news!
Alison made the mistake of hooking up with what I am going to call a Hollaback Boy. A notorious bootycall enthusiast, if you will. He doesn't go here, but every time he is going to be in town he texts her to try and get together. I saw him at a New Year's party this year, and he texted her then but not since.
In a miraculous turn of events, just HOURS after she assured me that he was done with her and wouldn't contact her again...a drunk facebook chat. He wants to cook her dinner and visit this summer and hold her close and cuddle. D'aww.
That means he will soon text her, and the awkward texting curse brought on by this phone will continue! It's even spreading to other people!
So you see the pattern? Suddenly so much texting about boning! Next thing you know OE McTTM will text me again.
Moral of the story: I think my phone is sex-cursed...or sex-charmed...
By that I mean I switched BACK to the phone I had at this time last year. Literally the same exact phone. I had a free upgrade and so I used it but it got me the shittiest phone possible. It was easily broken, it had a 48 hours battery life, it was ugly...the only good thing was the conversation-style texting.
So, after suffering it for...six or seven months (including the four I spent in Italy not using it, keep that in mind) I said fuck it and went back to my old phone.
Since the change I have had a strange series of text messages.
Day two of new/old phone:
At midnight on a Wednesday I received a text message saying "Hey, what's up. Long time no talk"
It wasn't a number in my phone, so I asked who it was...answer: a guy I used to hook up with during the spring of freshman year. A guy I hadn't talked to since then. A guy who doesn't go to my school. A guy who does go to school in Tacoma, where I was at the time.
WHHHHAAAAT?
He was a tool though, so it didn't bother me. It was extremely weird timing, since it was the first time I was in the area for longer than 2 days. Also, he said "we should kick it" and that's weird. No one says that, and also he's a douche. Obviously I said no, fuck off (you don't think I'm that easy, do you?).
Day six(ish):
"What up wheat bread?"
Wait...what?
Alison and I were at the zoo in Oakland, CA and watching a giraffe try to eat a palm tree when I got this text.
"Sorry, I don't have this number in my phone."
"Now you do."
NOT HELPFUL, JACKASS
I asked who they were and they responded, "White bread, duh."
Okay, thanks. I guess. I have never called anyone white bread and I have never been called wheat bread. In any situation, I think, there would be more occasion to call me white bread, considering how pale I am and my preference for, ya' know, white bread. It was awkward. Still don't know who that was.
Day eight(ish):
Received a text from a girl I went to high school with but hadn't spoken to in more than nine months. Still not sure what prompted that. She had no favor to ask, nor specific question. Very strange.
During spring break I also received two other surprising and surprisingly random texts.
One was asking for advice in a very awkward situation wherein a younger friend had two guys spending the night at her house and hooked up with one of them only to find out that the other liked her. Drama!
It was a very surprising text conversation, to say the least.
The other just said, "I had sex last night!"
It was from a friend with whom I chat openly about that sort of thing, so I suppose it wasn't an inappropriate message so much as a very surprising and random one. It was also deep in the pattern of random, out-of-place, unexpected texts so that added to the surprise.
Day...today:
Yet another guy who wants on my business sends me a text. He saw a really cute girl who reminds him of me (aww).
More delightful news!
Alison made the mistake of hooking up with what I am going to call a Hollaback Boy. A notorious bootycall enthusiast, if you will. He doesn't go here, but every time he is going to be in town he texts her to try and get together. I saw him at a New Year's party this year, and he texted her then but not since.
In a miraculous turn of events, just HOURS after she assured me that he was done with her and wouldn't contact her again...a drunk facebook chat. He wants to cook her dinner and visit this summer and hold her close and cuddle. D'aww.
That means he will soon text her, and the awkward texting curse brought on by this phone will continue! It's even spreading to other people!
So you see the pattern? Suddenly so much texting about boning! Next thing you know OE McTTM will text me again.
Moral of the story: I think my phone is sex-cursed...or sex-charmed...
Saturday, April 9, 2011
True Love
Beauty and the Beast
Romeo and Juliet
Tristan and Isolde
Wesley and Buttercup
Jack and Rose
We can all agree that these are some of the greatest couples of all time, right?
WRONG
There is a significant pairing missing from this list.
Once upon a time, Alison and I used to have breakfast every weekday. We had a big break between classes, and I had a meal plan, and also we just love breakfast foods. We would sit and eat and make fun of people and it was super delightful.
Then it happened.
On some random day, with no real importance, we were shoveling bacon into our faces when some wonderful coincidence brought it close to us.
At a nearby table, eating a pancake and looking melancholy, was a person. Now, you should know that we often play a game called "Boy or Girl?" wherein we try and decide whether a person is a boy or a girl. Offensive, I know, but sometimes you just have to know.
This person was, without a doubt, one of the best examples we had seen yet.
Long hair, narrow build, SUPER tight pants, ambiguous accessories, awkward looking
This describes the person who would come to be called GirlBoy.
We eventually decided he was a boy, but he looked so like a girl that we wanted to honor his unknown origins. We chatted and laughed briefly and then let it be. We didn't assume we'd ever see him after that first morning.
BUT THEN
We saw him the next morning, and the next, and the next, and nearly every day for the rest of the quarter. That is when he earned the nickname, since we had to have a way to refer to him since we saw him all the time. Slowly it became obvious that he was to be Alison's one true love.
She would smile at the mere sight of him. Her heart fluttered. He would awkwardly look at us when she gasped super loudly, and think there was something wrong.
After that quarter sightings dropped dramatically, since we no longer had a breakfast meeting. However, she would text me with great enthusiasm and delight whenever she saw him between classes.
"GIRLBOY" she would shout (via text) and we were always so hopeful that it would finally happen for them.
Alison imagined their life together: forever and ever in true love and happiness. They would get manicures together and facials. They could shop for pants in the same section of the Gap. They could give each other tips on styling their hair.
It would be perfect.
We have been discussing possible names for him, and we want to go with something that is also ambiguous and could go either way.
We like Quinn. And Sam. And Alex. You know, things could go either way.
Someday we'll learn his real name.
Then they can be in love forever!
It'll happen, just wait and see.
Moral of the story: You can totally love someone without knowing them at all and it isn't weird or anything.
Romeo and Juliet
Tristan and Isolde
Wesley and Buttercup
Jack and Rose
We can all agree that these are some of the greatest couples of all time, right?
WRONG
There is a significant pairing missing from this list.
Once upon a time, Alison and I used to have breakfast every weekday. We had a big break between classes, and I had a meal plan, and also we just love breakfast foods. We would sit and eat and make fun of people and it was super delightful.
Then it happened.
On some random day, with no real importance, we were shoveling bacon into our faces when some wonderful coincidence brought it close to us.
At a nearby table, eating a pancake and looking melancholy, was a person. Now, you should know that we often play a game called "Boy or Girl?" wherein we try and decide whether a person is a boy or a girl. Offensive, I know, but sometimes you just have to know.
This person was, without a doubt, one of the best examples we had seen yet.
Long hair, narrow build, SUPER tight pants, ambiguous accessories, awkward looking
This describes the person who would come to be called GirlBoy.
We eventually decided he was a boy, but he looked so like a girl that we wanted to honor his unknown origins. We chatted and laughed briefly and then let it be. We didn't assume we'd ever see him after that first morning.
BUT THEN
We saw him the next morning, and the next, and the next, and nearly every day for the rest of the quarter. That is when he earned the nickname, since we had to have a way to refer to him since we saw him all the time. Slowly it became obvious that he was to be Alison's one true love.
She would smile at the mere sight of him. Her heart fluttered. He would awkwardly look at us when she gasped super loudly, and think there was something wrong.
After that quarter sightings dropped dramatically, since we no longer had a breakfast meeting. However, she would text me with great enthusiasm and delight whenever she saw him between classes.
"GIRLBOY" she would shout (via text) and we were always so hopeful that it would finally happen for them.
Alison imagined their life together: forever and ever in true love and happiness. They would get manicures together and facials. They could shop for pants in the same section of the Gap. They could give each other tips on styling their hair.
It would be perfect.
We have been discussing possible names for him, and we want to go with something that is also ambiguous and could go either way.
We like Quinn. And Sam. And Alex. You know, things could go either way.
Someday we'll learn his real name.
Then they can be in love forever!
It'll happen, just wait and see.
Moral of the story: You can totally love someone without knowing them at all and it isn't weird or anything.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Definitions
Have you ever made out with someone?
Theoretically, if you're not super lame, you have. First you put your mouth on their mouth and then you mash your tongues together like flailing elephant seals and when you're done you fix your hair, walk out of the McDonald's walk-in freezer, and tell your friends about it.
When you do, what do you say?
"I totally just made out with this fine piece of ass, I think his name was Enrique or Solomon or some shit," and you high-five and move on.
Here is the key point: totally just MADE OUT with that fine piece of ass.
Sometimes, especially in my recent years, I have heard people say that they hooked up with that fine piece of ass.
Then I judge them because they boned in a walk-in freezer in a McDonald's. I voice these concerns because I'm pretty sure there are health codes about that kind of thing, and get reprimanded for assuming they boned when apparently they just kissed.
BUT YOU SAID YOU HOOKED UP.
When you hook up with someone, and when you say that you have hooked up with someone, it means you touched their wiener and saw them nakey and something has gone somewhere.
When all you do is make out, that's what you say. You don't say you hooked up because that makes me think something hilarious and inappropriate happened when all you did was kiss, and then I'm disappointed and confused.
I guess for some people they think that making out is a subsection of hooking up and you can say the latter even if you only do the former. BUT you wouldn't say you made out when you actually had sex, because that's lying.
IT IS LYING, YOU ASSHOLES.
When you tell me that you hooked up but you only kissed it is lying, and that is rude and it ruins my life.
Example:
My friend says, "Did you hear that Alison hooked up with that guy Roland?"
I say, "REALLY? WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?"
The friend says, "Yeah, they totally made out at the party on Friday."
I respond, confused, "Wait, did they hook up or just make out?"
"They made out," and I am given an annoyed look.
"YOU FUCKING DICK."
I was so excited because I thought Alison made a hilarious and terrible decision that I could laugh at her about, but it turns out she only made a moderately bad choice that is less funny to mock her about. So you see?
Saying that you hooked up builds my hopes and dreams and then you dash them on the rocks of prudeness when it turns out you just kissed.
Moral of the story: Use phrases right, goddammit
Theoretically, if you're not super lame, you have. First you put your mouth on their mouth and then you mash your tongues together like flailing elephant seals and when you're done you fix your hair, walk out of the McDonald's walk-in freezer, and tell your friends about it.
When you do, what do you say?
"I totally just made out with this fine piece of ass, I think his name was Enrique or Solomon or some shit," and you high-five and move on.
Here is the key point: totally just MADE OUT with that fine piece of ass.
Sometimes, especially in my recent years, I have heard people say that they hooked up with that fine piece of ass.
Then I judge them because they boned in a walk-in freezer in a McDonald's. I voice these concerns because I'm pretty sure there are health codes about that kind of thing, and get reprimanded for assuming they boned when apparently they just kissed.
BUT YOU SAID YOU HOOKED UP.
When you hook up with someone, and when you say that you have hooked up with someone, it means you touched their wiener and saw them nakey and something has gone somewhere.
When all you do is make out, that's what you say. You don't say you hooked up because that makes me think something hilarious and inappropriate happened when all you did was kiss, and then I'm disappointed and confused.
I guess for some people they think that making out is a subsection of hooking up and you can say the latter even if you only do the former. BUT you wouldn't say you made out when you actually had sex, because that's lying.
IT IS LYING, YOU ASSHOLES.
When you tell me that you hooked up but you only kissed it is lying, and that is rude and it ruins my life.
Example:
My friend says, "Did you hear that Alison hooked up with that guy Roland?"
I say, "REALLY? WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?"
The friend says, "Yeah, they totally made out at the party on Friday."
I respond, confused, "Wait, did they hook up or just make out?"
"They made out," and I am given an annoyed look.
"YOU FUCKING DICK."
I was so excited because I thought Alison made a hilarious and terrible decision that I could laugh at her about, but it turns out she only made a moderately bad choice that is less funny to mock her about. So you see?
Saying that you hooked up builds my hopes and dreams and then you dash them on the rocks of prudeness when it turns out you just kissed.
Moral of the story: Use phrases right, goddammit
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Lists
I like making lists.
Here are some of my favorites:
A) Weirdest Porns*
1. Whale Porn
2. Outer Space/Zero Gravity Porn
3. Underwater/Scuba Porn
4. Crush Porn
5. Tentacle Porn
B) Best Cat Names
1. Butros Butros Kitty (from Butros Butros Galli, the former UN Secretary General)
2. Tybalt, Prince of Cats
3. Sir Paul McCatney
4. Tiberius Catticus
5. Meowsolini
C) Things To Do Before I Die
1. Punch a Neo-Nazi in the face
2. Ride a hippo
3. Get in a duel
4. Stand on every continent
5. Never wear pants
D) Cupcake Flavors
1. RAINBOW CHIP, DUH
2. Red Velvet
3. Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate
I know it isn't an exciting or slutty post, but I thought you might enjoy a look into the mind of this not
so Virgin Mary.
*the first three are theoretical (you're welcome for that), but probably exist in the depths of hell and unhappiness on the internet
Here are some of my favorites:
A) Weirdest Porns*
1. Whale Porn
2. Outer Space/Zero Gravity Porn
3. Underwater/Scuba Porn
4. Crush Porn
5. Tentacle Porn
B) Best Cat Names
1. Butros Butros Kitty (from Butros Butros Galli, the former UN Secretary General)
2. Tybalt, Prince of Cats
3. Sir Paul McCatney
4. Tiberius Catticus
5. Meowsolini
C) Things To Do Before I Die
1. Punch a Neo-Nazi in the face
2. Ride a hippo
3. Get in a duel
4. Stand on every continent
5. Never wear pants
D) Cupcake Flavors
1. RAINBOW CHIP, DUH
2. Red Velvet
3. Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate
I know it isn't an exciting or slutty post, but I thought you might enjoy a look into the mind of this not
so Virgin Mary.
*the first three are theoretical (you're welcome for that), but probably exist in the depths of hell and unhappiness on the internet
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
How To: 2
Another chance for you to learn to be awesome, like me.
This post's lesson is all about...wait for it...wait for it...pass out and wake up four hours later with no recollection of what happened to you or how you ended up in Mexico but it doesn't matter because here comes...THE KNOCK AND COCK!
That's right ladies and gentlemen, the Knock and Cock.
Technically the "How To" is going to be: How To Seduce a Man Who Doesn't Want To Be Seduced. But, I really like saying "Knock and Cock" and I wanted to have a long build up to an all caps exclamation.
Here it goes, seducing unruly men. Well, if you are a lady creature and have anything even vaguely resembling boobs you are half-way to getting it on. A man finds it VERY hard to resist boobs of any size (I'm trying to be all inclusive for readers who are less top heavy). It is in the very nature of boobs to make everything awesome and to seduce men. They reflect a woman's fertility; the bigger they are, the better for the offspring.
Also, it's true...you just can't motorboat personality, and more importantly, your in depth knowledge of Battlestar Gallactica isn't going to entice a man from across the room, so you gotta hook 'em some how. Boobs are your best option. I guess a slammin' booty couldn't hurt, but not everyone can be as gifted as me (booyah).
Usually if you are trying to become a dude's nightime friend, all you have to do is ask. Dudes will, 90% of the time, go for it. You have to be doing something really wrong if you can't openly proposition a dude and he doesn't have his pants off four seconds later. If he does say no, it could be explained in several ways, a) he is a gentleman, but who wants them anyways, b) he respects you as a person, but that's for sissies, or c) he isn't drunk enough yet.
Wait two beers, ask again. Repeat until bonage.
But, if he is really stubborn or you are really ugly, you can go for the Knock and Cock.
You've been wondering what that is, haven't you?
NOW YOU FIND OUT!
The Knock and Cock is also called "The Lady's Delight" if you are trying to be classy.
It is two things:
1) a roofie
2) a viagra
Crush 'em up, throw 'em in his drink, get him to a closet or a car's backseat or a bedroom (if you're classy) and make woopie.
Easy.
Someone raised the question recently of how will the two pills interact. My answer: "He'll fuckin' pass out and get a boner, boom, done."
Health risks my ass.
If you're going to give a dude the Knock and Cock you're probably not super worried about his health. Let's be honest for a minute.
Is it date rape? Probably.
Is it a hilarious name? Obviously
Am I actually suggesting you do it? "No" (But I would love to hear about success stories of logistics issues you run into if you do)
Moral of the story: drug 'em and love 'em, that's the way to do it.
**Important Note: The term "Knock and Cock" was created and is currently copyrighted by Dr. Iant "The Ginger Butt" Bennett. He's really mad I didn't write that in the original post.
This post's lesson is all about...wait for it...wait for it...pass out and wake up four hours later with no recollection of what happened to you or how you ended up in Mexico but it doesn't matter because here comes...THE KNOCK AND COCK!
That's right ladies and gentlemen, the Knock and Cock.
Technically the "How To" is going to be: How To Seduce a Man Who Doesn't Want To Be Seduced. But, I really like saying "Knock and Cock" and I wanted to have a long build up to an all caps exclamation.
Here it goes, seducing unruly men. Well, if you are a lady creature and have anything even vaguely resembling boobs you are half-way to getting it on. A man finds it VERY hard to resist boobs of any size (I'm trying to be all inclusive for readers who are less top heavy). It is in the very nature of boobs to make everything awesome and to seduce men. They reflect a woman's fertility; the bigger they are, the better for the offspring.
Usually if you are trying to become a dude's nightime friend, all you have to do is ask. Dudes will, 90% of the time, go for it. You have to be doing something really wrong if you can't openly proposition a dude and he doesn't have his pants off four seconds later. If he does say no, it could be explained in several ways, a) he is a gentleman, but who wants them anyways, b) he respects you as a person, but that's for sissies, or c) he isn't drunk enough yet.
Wait two beers, ask again. Repeat until bonage.
But, if he is really stubborn or you are really ugly, you can go for the Knock and Cock.
You've been wondering what that is, haven't you?
NOW YOU FIND OUT!
The Knock and Cock is also called "The Lady's Delight" if you are trying to be classy.
It is two things:
1) a roofie
2) a viagra
Crush 'em up, throw 'em in his drink, get him to a closet or a car's backseat or a bedroom (if you're classy) and make woopie.
Easy.
Someone raised the question recently of how will the two pills interact. My answer: "He'll fuckin' pass out and get a boner, boom, done."
Health risks my ass.
If you're going to give a dude the Knock and Cock you're probably not super worried about his health. Let's be honest for a minute.
Is it date rape? Probably.
Is it a hilarious name? Obviously
Am I actually suggesting you do it? "No" (But I would love to hear about success stories of logistics issues you run into if you do)
Moral of the story: drug 'em and love 'em, that's the way to do it.
**Important Note: The term "Knock and Cock" was created and is currently copyrighted by Dr. Iant "The Ginger Butt" Bennett. He's really mad I didn't write that in the original post.
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