Definitions

Have you ever made out with someone?

Theoretically, if you're not super lame, you have. First you put your mouth on their mouth and then you mash your tongues together like flailing elephant seals and when you're done you fix your hair, walk out of the McDonald's walk-in freezer, and tell your friends about it.
When you do, what do you say?
"I totally just made out with this fine piece of ass, I think his name was Enrique or Solomon or some shit," and you high-five and move on.

Here is the key point: totally just MADE OUT with that fine piece of ass.
Sometimes, especially in my recent years, I have heard people say that they hooked up with that fine piece of ass.
Then I judge them because they boned in a walk-in freezer in a McDonald's. I voice these concerns because I'm pretty sure there are health codes about that kind of thing, and get reprimanded for assuming they boned when apparently they just kissed.

BUT YOU SAID YOU HOOKED UP.

When you hook up with someone, and when you say that you have hooked up with someone, it means you touched their wiener and saw them nakey and something has gone somewhere.
When all you do is make out, that's what you say. You don't say you hooked up because that makes me think something hilarious and inappropriate happened when all you did was kiss, and then I'm disappointed and confused. 

I guess for some people they think that making out is a subsection of hooking up and you can say the latter even if you only do the former. BUT you wouldn't say you made out when you actually had sex, because that's lying.

IT IS LYING, YOU ASSHOLES.

When you tell me that you hooked up but you only kissed it is lying, and that is rude and it ruins my life.

Example:
My friend says, "Did you hear that Alison hooked up with that guy Roland?"
I say, "REALLY? WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?"
The friend says, "Yeah, they totally made out at the party on Friday."
I respond, confused, "Wait, did they hook up or just make out?"
"They made out," and I am given an annoyed look.
"YOU FUCKING DICK."
I was so excited because I thought Alison made a hilarious and terrible decision that I could laugh at her about, but it turns out she only made a moderately bad choice that is less funny to mock her about. So you see?

Saying that you hooked up builds my hopes and dreams and then you dash them on the rocks of prudeness when it turns out you just kissed.

Moral of the story: Use phrases right, goddammit

Lists

I like making lists.

Here are some of my favorites:

A) Weirdest Porns*
1. Whale Porn
2. Outer Space/Zero Gravity Porn
3. Underwater/Scuba Porn
4. Crush Porn
5. Tentacle Porn

B) Best Cat Names
1. Butros Butros Kitty (from Butros Butros Galli, the former UN Secretary General)
2. Tybalt, Prince of Cats
3. Sir Paul McCatney
4. Tiberius Catticus
5. Meowsolini

C) Things To Do Before I Die
1. Punch a Neo-Nazi in the face
2. Ride a hippo
3. Get in a duel
4. Stand on every continent
5. Never wear pants

D) Cupcake Flavors
1. RAINBOW CHIP, DUH
2. Red Velvet
3. Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate


I know it isn't an exciting or slutty post, but I thought you might enjoy a look into the mind of this not
so Virgin Mary.

*the first three are theoretical (you're welcome for that), but probably exist in the depths of hell and unhappiness on the internet

Holiday Hello

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY, YA' DRUNK SLUTS

How To: 2

Another chance for you to learn to be awesome, like me.

This post's lesson is all about...wait for it...wait for it...pass out and wake up four hours later with no recollection of what happened to you or how you ended up in Mexico but it doesn't matter because here comes...THE KNOCK AND COCK!

That's right ladies and gentlemen, the Knock and Cock.

Technically the "How To" is going to be: How To Seduce a Man Who Doesn't Want To Be Seduced. But, I really like saying "Knock and Cock" and I wanted to have a long build up to an all caps exclamation.

Here it goes, seducing unruly men. Well, if you are a lady creature and have anything even vaguely resembling boobs you are half-way to getting it on. A man finds it VERY hard to resist boobs of any size (I'm trying to be all inclusive for readers who are less top heavy).  It is in the very nature of boobs to make everything awesome and to seduce men. They reflect a woman's fertility; the bigger they are, the better for the offspring. 

Also, it's true...you just can't motorboat personality, and more importantly, your in depth knowledge of Battlestar Gallactica isn't going to entice a man from across the room, so you gotta hook 'em some how. Boobs are your best option. I guess a slammin' booty couldn't hurt, but not everyone can be as gifted as me (booyah).
Usually if you are trying to become a dude's nightime friend, all you have to do is ask. Dudes will, 90% of the time, go for it. You have to be doing something really wrong if you can't openly proposition a dude and he doesn't have his pants off four seconds later. If he does say no, it could be explained in several ways,  a) he is a gentleman, but who wants them anyways, b) he respects you as a person, but that's for sissies, or c) he isn't drunk enough yet.
Wait two beers, ask again. Repeat until bonage.

But, if he is really stubborn or you are really ugly, you can go for the Knock and Cock.
You've been wondering what that is, haven't you?
NOW YOU FIND OUT!

The Knock and Cock is also called "The Lady's Delight" if you are trying to be classy.
It is two things:
1) a roofie
2) a viagra
Crush 'em up, throw 'em in his drink, get him to a closet or a car's backseat or a bedroom (if you're classy) and make woopie.

Easy.

Someone raised the question recently of how will the two pills interact. My answer: "He'll fuckin' pass out and get a boner, boom, done."
Health risks my ass.
If you're going to give a dude the Knock and Cock you're probably not super worried about his health. Let's be honest for a minute.
Is it date rape? Probably.
Is it a hilarious name? Obviously
Am I actually suggesting you do it? "No" (But I would love to hear about success stories of logistics issues you run into if you do)

Moral of the story: drug 'em and love 'em, that's the way to do it.

**Important Note: The term "Knock and Cock" was created and is currently copyrighted by Dr. Iant "The Ginger Butt" Bennett. He's really mad I didn't write that in the original post.

Enthusiasm

It's story time!

There once was a bar.
It was a magical place called "Rumors," and during the day it was a bar that catered mostly to the rainbow crowd. However, one night a week a magical thing would happen there. In fact, the MOST magical thing ever:

80'S NIGHT

It's the most wonderful and special night of the week. You dress up, get 2 dollar Wells, and then you dance until your feet hurt and you're no longer sure what Michael Jackson song you're listening to but you fucking KNOW it's the best song ever. You do the sprinkler. You do the cabbage patch. You make fun of couples trying to grind. You sing along. And you certainly DON'T STOP BELIEVING. 

Anyways, so, yeah, 80's night.

I went two weeks ago. It was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to a human being.

Or...that is until I started dancing with a guy.

Is guy the right word? A dude? A man? A gentleman? No, none of those quite work. I'm going to call him: OverlyEnthusiastic McTextTooMuch

OE McTTM!

We danced (not as awesomely as P-Swayze and Baby though) 

and OBVIOUSLY we ended up 'going outside for a smoke' and making out. Surprise!

He seemed nice and we almost had a real conversation when he wasn't trying to make my come back to his house in Lynden (fuck that noise) and I wasn't giving him bullshit excuses like class and homework. 

Because of my 'too nice to say no' thing, I gave him my number. My phone had died but I promised to charge it when I got home. Eventually my excuses wore him down and he left, and I was able to go back to my friends and get some good dancing in before the end of the night.

When I did get home I remembered to charge my phone, and as soon as I plugged it in...HOLY SHIT! a text from OE McTTM. Who would have guessed that plot twist?

I responded. Because I'm a moron.

Thus began a two day text conversation, which, for those of you who are real people, is WAY TOO LONG to text a person you don't know. 

He would send those "I'm bored, what are you up to?" texts as if we had known each other for a while. He send PICTURES of himself on his motorcycle or in his tank. He told me about his friends, and what they were up to. He, most importantly, asked for pictures.

What is this, junior year of high school? Sexy pictures to a person you don't know? Really?

Who the fuck does he think I am?

No way.

So this dragged on. He kept asking me to call him, and trying to call me. He kept talking. I kept awkwardly responding. I honestly didn't know what to say. It's so cool that he really likes paintball (which I've never played and never plan to), and it's cool that he's in the army (yet another thing in which I have literally no interest), and blah blah we have nothing in common. But man, did he keep texting me.

Like we were six months deep in a relationship, or were planning a goddamn bank heist or something (relationships and robbery are pretty much equivalent, right?).

Then he tried to call me one last time.

Ignored that shit.

Everything went quiet. Three days passed. I could tell he was pouting, I could just feel it from the silence. Then the next 80's night arrived. 

Around 4pm I received this:

"R u coming out tonight?" (text speak infuriates me)

I did not answer.

Around midnight I got this:

"Come out."

Aaaaaaaand case closed.

That well constructed and convincing argument was really hard to ignore, but somehow I managed. You must be impressed with me.

That should have been the end of it.

Well...it's not.

I wasn't participating in the magical wonder and joy that is 80's night because I had a friend's 21 Run on Friday, and when I went out for that...GUESS WHO WAS THERE!

Oh, OE McTTM, you tricky bitch.

I was in line for drinks, buying shots for my and K-Dog (my newly 21-year-old friend) and when I turned around he was rightbehindme! (the lack of spacing indicates just how close he was to me)

I smiled politely, because that's what you do to people you make out with at bars, right? WRONG. He looked at me, glared a tiny bit, and then looked away.

Flat. Out. Ignored.

I guess he goes out a lot in this city. So...I'll probably run in to him more.

Lucky for us.

Moral of the story: Don't text a girl for two days straight right after you meet her. It's fucking annoying.

Holiday Hello

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, SLUTS!

How To:

New Feature:

Every few posts I'm going to share with you the best possible way to do something. A How To section, if you will.

For our first time, I'm going to teach you:

How To Make A Guy (Or Girl) Stop Hitting On You.

We have ALL been hit on.
For some of us, it happens almost constantly and to the point where you run out of ways to say no.
There's the classic: "No, I'm not interested."
A more polite: "No, thank-you though."
Or the more forward and more rude: "Get lost."
There's even: "Get out of my face."

But those don't always do the trick.
Sometimes a dude is too forward or too drunk and you gotta pull out the big guns.
Pretending to be a lesbian only works if he isn't going to try and make you come home with him AND another chick.
Saying you have a boyfriend is reliable but he could always ask you to come for a ride anyways, since your boyf isn't here, obviously.
Or you can ignore him and walk away, but that can be awkward and usually means you spend as much time avoiding someone as you do enjoying the bar or club or museum or opera.

Here's what I've started doing:

Say you're married.

I was in Florence about two months ago and I was walking to the store to get groceries for my family while they were at a museum.
A guy came up and asked me for a cigarette and I gave him one. He then started making conversation.
"Where are you headed?"
"The store, I have to get food for my family for dinner tonight."
I don't know why he assumed this, but he asked, "You married?"
My choices were to say no and have to keep talking to him, or lie.
"Yeah, three years now."
In my head I'm married to this guy, just for reference:

Oh Jason.
And the guy said, "Oh, wow, I really respect a married woman, that's great."
"Yeah, love of my life, haha."
"Do you have kids?"
Well...I hadn't seen that coming. But sure, already married to Jason Segel, might as well have a kid...and a fat dog:

Only after telling him I was married and had a child did he seem willing to let me walk away and buy a pound of brie at the Esselunga.

Moral of the Story: Tell 'em your married. It's douchey to hit on married women.