Bringin' It Back

I've spent the past week at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland, Oregon.

Hold your applause.

This is a family thing that we do every year, to come and see 7 plays in 4 days (or 6 in 3, or 8 in 4 or whatever combination we can work out). Usually we have 4 Shakespeare plays and 3ish other works of theatrical mastery. Impressive, no?
Shakespeare wrote some pretty awesome plays.
Othello, Macbeth, King Lear, Hamlet, and that one about impulsive idiots who fall in 'love' and kill themselves
All great works!
He spent a lot of his time coming up with and using fun words.

Many of these were fun words for 'a whore.'

Being here in Ashland, watching 10 or 12 hours worth of actors yelling at each other in Elizabethan English reminds me that these words tend to be AWESOME.
And I am bringin' them back into the vernacular!

So here we go:

Strumpet! (I always think of the word 'trumpet' when I hear this...I guess they're both things that are easily bought, make loud noises, and can be full of other people's spit if you aren't careful)
Jezebel!
Fornicatress!

Fuzzy, Cute, and Slutty

Shrew!                      Apparently this thing is also a shrew ---->
Tart! (not just a dessert anymore, it's now also a thing to call a slutty woman)
Harlot!
Tramp! (also a delightful Disney character)
Wench! (no, not a wrench, a wench)
Hussy!
Jade!

Now when you need to tell a woman that she is a skanky, no good, slutty, whore muffin, you can call her one of these words instead.

Moral of the story: Being a dork can come in handy when insulting the easier members of my gender.

Mouth Babies

In my list of favorite things "making out" holds steady at 3, below 80's music and above morning-after pizza. Kissing is awesome! It's inappropriate in 7/10 settings (the only appropriate ones being clubs, private residences, and IHOP at 3am while waiting for your pancakes) but somehow people end up making out goddamn everywhere. Stairwell of my dorm freshmen year? Make outs. Before, during, and after finals? Make outs. British Parliament? Make outs. Goddamn constantly.

I've seen a LOT of people make out.

I've also made out with a lot of people...woo boy...I just tried to calculate that number and I managed to count back through freshman year of college, but then I ran out of fingers and toes to keep track on and aborted mission. Sidenote: how do I not have mono yet?

Awkward Kissing is Awkward!

But anyways, I have seen and experienced some TERRIBLE make outs.

<---- like this one

Just...look at it. Their mouths are in totally different places, he is obviously into dudes, and they look horribly uncomfortable together.
Yikes.
As another sidenote, I'm hoping this was their wedding announcement because that would be the perfect way to tell everyone about how you're spending 20,000 dollars so you can get a crazy divorce in 18 months when you realize how HORRIBLY UNPLEASANT it is to kiss...or...try to kiss because this hardly counts as successful.

Back on topic! I'm going to describe some of the worst make outs I've had and the things that made them so bad.

I already described the time that a make out lead to three straight days of annoyingness. At that point the make out wasn't bad, it just had a terrible outcome.
Here is an actual time that the make out was terrible!
The Switcher:
It was under a balcony, so obviously this is going great places, and we were both fairly drunk and I did not have my wing man with me (Alison, you suck). He was WAY too enthusiastic about it and kept moving his head from right to left to right to left and back and forth and holy crap stop moving. Switching angles is good, and great, in moderation. If you move your head more than you make tongue contact, you're doing something wrong. He topped the crappy make out pile by breathlessly whispering "You're a way better kisser than my girlfriend."
Yes.
Yes I am.
But also, what? I'm a bitch but I'm not 'the other woman' level of bitch. I hope...

Tongue Cthulu
We've all had this. It's pretty gross. Your lips touch, that cool, then someone's tongue gets involved. Then suddenly they're using their tongue to check the filling you got in your back molars. Too deep! Too deep! (that's what she said) And even if it isn't like deep throating a tongue, it's still pressing and flopping and sloppy and all you can do is open your mouth and try to not bite down out of instinct and hope for a moment of respite while they stop to breath...maybe. Piece of advice: keep your tongue in check, it should not be a wrestling match.

Teeth!
This happened recently, actually, and I had never experienced this before. Teeth. So much teeth. He hadn't made out with a ton of people, so I imagine this is a pretty rookie move, but he applied a lot of force and was not conscious of his teeth. I usually keep mine out of the way, obviously, because they have minimal to no place in kissing, but his were just...everywhere...more than his lips, I think. Plus it was like he was trying to give me mouth-to-mouth and forcing his face on mine. It kinda of hurt.
You should never hurt the person you're kissing (that's also an excellent anti-domestic violence slogan, in case anyone needed one).

Those are the three really terrible faux-pas that I have experienced/feel like telling you about. There are others, and there are worse ones (smoker's breath, anyone?), but these are the three I had stories for.

 Moral of the story: I'd rather have the chocolate kind of kiss than any of these.

Tallywackers

This may come as kind of a surprise to you guys, but dicks are SO weird.
Seriously, have you ever really looked at one?-especially the flaccid ones. It's like when someone is born with an extra finger except it has not bones and it's just there being weird and making for uncomfortable conversation.
Eeew.
Testicles are super gross too. Wrinkly, floppy, ugly...and WAAAAAAY too sensitive. You can't go near them without potentially ruining everything. One wrong move and he is dry heaving in the corner, crying, and you're just confused and weirded out.
You know what makes the whole situation even worse?
Pubic hair.
Fuck pubic hair.
Ever had one stuck in your teeth? Gross. Horrifying. If that shit isn't kept in check it's like a weird, scratchy forest. I do, however, appreciate the recent recognition that men also have to keep it tidy and trimmed. Up until a couple years ago guys didn't really make that connection and while girls were expected to fuckin' shave patterns into theirs, guys didn't have to reciprocate. Thank god that has changed.

To illustrate just how weird dongs are, I'm going to tell a story:

I one knew a girl who never got nooky. At a party one night, after a 3 year dry spell (or some horrendous long time) a boy was drunk enough that he wanted to hook up with her. She was convinced to at least give him head. Then she did. Half way through, she puked on him.
YEAH.
She puked on him.
Now, it might have been her drunkness, or it might have been a gag reflex, but until I know different I am going to assume it was because of how horrible weird schlongs are and if you aren't around them fairly often it can become traumatizing to get your face that close to one, especially without any sort of warm up activity (like watching SAW are something, ya' know...so you're prepared for the horror).

I'm not saying I don't like man bits, obviously that isn't the case. And I'm not saying that a lady's love nest is a work of art (oh GOD no), and I'm not saying there aren't some really handsome trouser snakes out there, but I am saying that, no matter how much you dress it up, cocks are really weird.

Moral of the story: Who thought those were a good idea?

How To: 4

Seducin'

Some of you probably aren't great at getting laid (you know who you are). So I am going to give you some tips on how to knock boots...or how to get the opportunity, anyways. Actual advice on wiener-works is a much later "How To."

We've already covered how to transition into relationships (it was pretty simple advice, if you don't remember it...you might be a moron), so this is more advice on getting into physical relationships, not really emotional ones. I have a friend trying to get on a guy, and she's having problems with the idea of just saying it. He's easily made nervous by girls and so I've compiled a list of a few things I think will help warm someone up to the idea of being with you. It's a good idea to use these to get them in the sack and then figure out where you two want to go.

Usually, for ladies, it's just a matter of being flirty and available and near the guy. But say you have a guy you are into who is less easy? What do you do?

All these tips can be applied to the seduction of gentlemen OR ladies, and require more effort than being drunk and in a bar.

1- Figure out which is your best feature and emphasis it. Or them, if you are like me and have several. Be careful though, only really show off 1 or 2 at a time. If you have great lips and eyes and legs and boobs, then wearing a low-cute shirt, short skirt, a lot of lipstick and eyeliner is going to scoot you over the line from pretty so...eewie. It's the difference between Mila Kunis and Courtney Love.

2- Make eye contact and smile. Is your bitch talking? Focus up. Look at 'em, smile, be interested (or fake it, whatever), and, occasionally, nod or something. If they feel like you are interested in them, they'll be interested in you.

C- Make some physical contact. This is a good move I use a lot. He's talking, we're making eye contact, I smile, and he says something funny. I touch his arm and laugh.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Now he's all tingly and conscious of my magical touchy hands. Booyah.
A variation is to brush hands on accident (oops!) or Gentlemen, put your hand on the small of her back as you walk through crowds.
Keep this up. Little bits of contact will build up a 'this isn't weird' thing in their mind. It is strange to go from no contact at all to nekkid rubbing and these will bridge the gap.

4- Give them some compliments. Tell that bitch he looks nice today, or he's funny. Or you like his hair. Or he's smart. Whatever you have to say, say it. A compliment a day/every time you hang out. Too many sounds insincere though, if you can't think of something, don't make it up...or do. If you say nice things they'll start to associate you with feeling good about themselves and that is a great way to get them on your business.*

5- Evolution of Hanging Out. Go from large groups to small groups to 1-on-1 hang outs. It'll build you closer together and will give you opportunities.

6- Speaking of Opportunities, Find Yours. You have to find the right time to pounce. If you've followed the steps and see they're responding positively, this shouldn't be an issue. Just take advantage of walking them home from the bars. Or if you are watching a movie. Or if you're having a naked tickle fight. Find your time.

There. Now you have an easy little reference guide for when you are trying to get someone to bone you and just don't know how to go about it.

*-This is a warning to all of you: "The Mystery Method" is for douchebags. It's that thing where you insult someone a little bit in order to make them want you. I don't care if it works for him. Those are skanks and any real person will see through that and be annoyed. Also, just look at him. If his face wasn't far away, I'd punch him. Hard.




Moral of the story: Go get 'em, tiger. You can do it!

Multitasking Joy

The two greatest passtimes, we can all agree, are eating and doin' it.
Recently, in my life, I've run into the situation of being such a gluttonous slut that I've been considering combining these two magnificent activities.
Awesome, right?

I'm talking about actually eating too, not using chocolate sauce or whipped cream. NO. That's lazy and messy and played out. Boo. I'm talking about food! Meals! Sustenance! Awesomeness!
In the vain of getting it on (both your grub and your boning), I've put together a list of foods that would totally be eatable and would enhance the boning experience. There is also, however, a list of foods that would probably be the worst ideas ever.

We'll start with the latter because it amuses me more.

• Spicy buffalo wings (Spicy + Genitalia = ohsweetjesus)
• Any dairy products, especially milkshakes
• Any sort of weak structure sandwich: gyros, pitas, open face tuna melts (you'll get feta everywhere!)
• Fried chicken (imagine the grease!)
• Popcorn/granola/anything small and scatterable

So, those are the main things I really recommend NOT chowing down on while doin' it.
BUT
There are some awesome foods that would rock the sex-food competition:

• Any and all breakfast foods: bacon? sausage? (be careful about mixing up your sausages, heyoh) all types of eggs? toast? muffins? ALL OF THESE WOULD BE DELICIOUS, not to mention the implication of morning sex, which is also great
• Beer (duh)
• Pizza (duh)
• Any sort of non-complicated fruit (beware of pineapples, there's a lot of pokey things associated with that god among fruits)
• Ribs (so worth the sheet stains, I mean honestly, who doesn't love baby backs and beasts with two backs?)
• Any fried or baked bread product; bagels, giant soft pretzels, cupcakes, cakes, cheesy bread, you get the idea. 

It is worth noting that it is particularly lazy and NOT at all romantic to eat while having sex and it should NOT be attempted unless you are really good at getting it on, eating, and multitasking. It could get messy and dangerous (choking hazards!...on more than just food HEYOH).
This is all wishful thinking...but delicious

...so delicious...

Moral of the story: It's the American dream guys.

Ideal Dates

My freshman year of college found me living in the dorms trying not to die and get a fungal infection in my feet from the showers. Eew. On my floor lived two girls: Jesus Jen and Jesus Talia. YES, they were Jen an' Talia. (Say it fast...again...there ya' go! Get it?)

Beards Get You Laid!

Both girls had big ol' lady boners for Jesus. And God. But probably not Mohammad or Moses...which is rude because they both had sweet beards. At least I assume Mohammad had a sweet beard, the whole lack of images things makes that hard to verify, but his followers tend to have great beards and, like the Jews, they  emulate their religious icon. LOGIC.


So, yeah, both girls were a little to far into the Bible and I feel like they would probably go to this event and sing/write these sort of songs. OMG LINK!



Often, they would take advantage of nice weather and "Go On Dates with God." Repeat: GO. ON. DATES. WITH. GOD.
I am not making that up.
Those are their words.
GO on DATES with GOD.
This meant, I think, they'd go to the park, stare out at the water and journal about their faith and how much Jesus means to them. That'd be fine and almost interesting except that it caused some drama when Talia started going on these God Dates without Jen. Big deal apparently. Maybe the dates were more than just sitting around contemplating scripture...maybe they were actual dates!

Alison and I, being assholes, had a long running joke about what God probably ordered at dinner, and how they split the bill, if ever, and what is opinions were on staying the night, and how quickly the girls would let him hit up first base. Man, hell is going to be delightful.

This recently got me thinking, though, about dating and how difficult it can be to date in the modern world, what with hypocritical feminists running amok and expecting equality but also not ever having to pay for dinner.

BOO.
Here are my own personal ideas about First Date/Dating Etiquette.

durrrrr dating!

• Whomever suggests the date should pay (if he asks you to lunch, it would be polite for him to pay but bring your wallet because that could be awkward)
•  It is a great gesture, however, to offer to split it apps/dessert and main dishes, or to offer to buy the drinks. This ensures him/her that you don't expect him/her to pay for everything all the time
• Lunch is a great way to get to know someone without the pressure of a dinner date or having to feel fancy. It is also easier for the date to continue without it ending up being a night-time/sexual thing. Lunch works as an excellent starter date. 
• If you want to get more casual, then a happy hour special or event night at bar would be fun. Karaoke or 80's Night are more interesting ways to test the water.
• Don't just bring whatever flowers find; those are great but it'd be awesome if you knew her favorite type (ask it on the first date and bring them for the second to show you're listening). It's an empty gesture if you just buy them.
• I think it's important to know your own timing; if you are comfortable kissing on the first date, go for it. If you need more time to settle in and decide how you feel, wait. Also be aware of whether or not the other person is pushing for/resisting any of your advances. 
• Choose something you both enjoy; if you don't like the same kind of movie, don't settle and go see one you don't want to. It'll bring down your energy and make it kind of lame. If you both love bars, go there. If you both love hikes, do that. If you both hate children, go throw rocks at the playground. Find your common ground and hang out there.
• Have a few topics of conversation stored in your back pocket in case there is a lull. Options: Where would you live if you were exiled from the United States? Secret talents. Weird ice cream flavors. Things to do on the weekends. What would you do with 100,000 dollars? What the fuck happened to Lost in the last three seasons?-they totally ruined that show, fuckers.
• Don't be creepy.
• Don't force yourself to go out with someone you don't really feel a connection with. If they can't make you laugh or have any of the same basic values or interests as you, or if you aren't at all attracted to them, don't go. Probably just awkward and not worth it.

There ya' go. I'm sure I'll have another edition of Dating Etiquette and Ideas sometime soon. These are the main ones that I think are important or useful.

BONUS ADVICE:
For the hordes of people trying to date me:

• get me balloons or a giant cookie
• make me laugh 
• take me somewhere with french dip sandwiches and good beer
• do NOT take me to a movie (I'll get popcorn down my shirt and that'll be embarrassing) 
• understand my references to and obsession with Die Hard

And there you'll have it; dating the (Not So) Virgin Mary and other awesome girls.

Moral of the story: Dating is weird...and dating God is even MORE weird.

Holiday Hello

FELIZ CINCO DE DRINKO, SLUT-OS!