I was trying to enjoy a beer. Just one beer...well, one pitcher of beer. Alison had been convinced to join me at the local bar The Up & Up. The Up is not, I repeat, NOT the kind of bar you hit on people at. It's all booths and tables and full of groups of friends.
It's like the Cheers bar but better because no one is sad and we're all a lot younger.
So, we're sitting at one of the booths along the wall, minding our pint. In walks not one, not two, for fourteen girls all in black minidresses and heels. Then, from among them, appears a girl in white.
It's a fucking bachelorette party.
A huge, loud, stupid bachelorette party with several older attendees (at least three women over or around forty) and the rest all looked like late twenty-somesthings who were going nowhere in life.
There was a lot of screaming.
And a lot of old lady butt getting bounced around near our table.
Even older women like to lez out at bars.
What the hell, guys?
We wanted to try and get out fast so I made Alison drink the last of my beer and we were going to get the hell out when, of course, a dude approaches.
Of course.
He stood by our table for a minute, just yackin' and then sat down to talk with us.
Joy. Of. Joys.
The gentleman was very drunk. But that didn't stop him from talking, or managing to get a friend over so he could talk too!
Here's the break down of our two lovely suitors:
Alison's guy:
firefighter
graduated computer science major
30
has a child, who is with him five days a week but whose mother lives in Mexico so WHERE THE HELL IS THAT KID FOR THE OTHER TWO DAYS OF THE WEEK?
has, apparently, a long standing warrant for his arrest here in Bellingham so he's turning himself in to jail come morning
and, of course, he's "really good at sex" and "all his girlfriends keep crawling back to him because he's so great and they want to do him all the time." Right.
My guy:
fisherman
no college degree
27 or 28
has some big plan to go into real estate...or something
is really into being a buddhist
his lama is an old white guy with a ponytail
they met in prison
yeah, this dude went to prison, and I'm pretty sure it was for murdering his fiancee.
Evidence, you request?
He had a tattoo for her, and when I expressed sympathy he responded "it's actually the best way to break up with someone, you have total closure."
ABORT MISSION.
As you can tell, Alison and I attract really high quality guys.
Moral of the story: do NOT hit on me if you've been to jail. Thanks.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
We'll Call It A Home Run
People love comparing sex to sports. Well...not comparing the two, but applying sports jargon to sex acts.
It's something I understand, in theory.
I think it's mostly for boys though.
For the rest of us, sports tend to be pretty boring while, hopefully, sex is quite the opposite.
Though, actually, I find that both sports and sex are WAY better if you've drinking. Almost tolerable in some cases.
"The Bases"
We've all heard this metaphor. Or been subjected to it...
For future reference, the whispered line "Wanna go to second?" is way less sexy than you think it is, gentlemen.
So let's discuss bases!
Starting on home:
Meeting someone. Here's your chance to hit on someone (get it?) and see how far you can get with them. You could hit a single and only ever get to first, then get tagged out. Or a double, or you could only hit a triple. You always hope that ever hit is a home run but sometimes that isn't in the cards and you only ever make it so far. Depressing.
First Base:
I think this one can be pretty universally agreed on.
Kissing.
Is it a catchall for all kinds of kissing? Or just polite kissing? What about skanky club make-outs? Still first base? See, the problem is that first base seems so innocent. "Kissing" aww! But oh wait no, kissing is kind of gross and also disease ridden and also happens in weird places (like Spain and your parent's basement and the supply closet off the main room at prom).
Second Base:
Here is where it gets a little hazy. Some people say that second base is anything above the waist, over and under the clothes. Some people say that second is anything over the clothes despite the waist situation. Others say it is anything under the clothes without penetration. Hand jobs, I guess...are the option there. In my opinion, the third option seems to be a bit fast. We've moved from kissing to hand jobs VERY quickly, and just I think the first option is a better transition between first and third base.
Third Base:
Someone once proposed that this is sex. What? The hell is home base supposed to be then? Dummy.
I find it is more likely that third base is anything under the clothes below the waist (including hand work and oral sex). This works better with the flow of the bases, and is a better transition into home base boning.
Home Base:
Doing it. Boning. Sex. Intercourse. Whoopie. Love Making. Naughty Night Time Fun. Naked Wrestling. Humping.
Does there need to be a discussion about it? Really?
Also, for fun, we'll discuss when to hit them.
The average sexually confident adult should put one to three dates between each base.
Depending on your personal views and the person.
Less than one date is a bit slutty...or more than a bit, really.
And more than three is asking a lot of patience from the other person unless you've both discussed and agreed to that sort of thing.
First date? Probably okay to kiss, or you can wait until you've completed one whole date and use the second one to introduce kissing.
Third date? Second base makes sense at this point. Especially if you like someone enough to go out on multiple dates with them, it'd be strange to not like them enough to let them see you shirtless.
Three plus three is...six, okay, Sixth date? This is a solid month of courtship at least, if you average a date a week (which you shouldn't exceed since that's a lot of time with each other, and shouldn't fall short of because it makes you seem uninterested), and so third base should be coming up. Though, to be honest, stopping at second and third is a difficult task. It's kind of weird, for me, to get to third and then just walk away from it. That's a lot of self control that some of us don't really have.
So, if you can control yourself and haven't zoomed past second and third bases early on, it should be around or before date nine that you cross home plate.
Zoom.
It's something I understand, in theory.
I think it's mostly for boys though.
For the rest of us, sports tend to be pretty boring while, hopefully, sex is quite the opposite.
Though, actually, I find that both sports and sex are WAY better if you've drinking. Almost tolerable in some cases.
"The Bases"
For future reference, the whispered line "Wanna go to second?" is way less sexy than you think it is, gentlemen.
So let's discuss bases!
Starting on home:
Meeting someone. Here's your chance to hit on someone (get it?) and see how far you can get with them. You could hit a single and only ever get to first, then get tagged out. Or a double, or you could only hit a triple. You always hope that ever hit is a home run but sometimes that isn't in the cards and you only ever make it so far. Depressing.
First Base:
I think this one can be pretty universally agreed on.
Kissing.
Is it a catchall for all kinds of kissing? Or just polite kissing? What about skanky club make-outs? Still first base? See, the problem is that first base seems so innocent. "Kissing" aww! But oh wait no, kissing is kind of gross and also disease ridden and also happens in weird places (like Spain and your parent's basement and the supply closet off the main room at prom).
Second Base:
Here is where it gets a little hazy. Some people say that second base is anything above the waist, over and under the clothes. Some people say that second is anything over the clothes despite the waist situation. Others say it is anything under the clothes without penetration. Hand jobs, I guess...are the option there. In my opinion, the third option seems to be a bit fast. We've moved from kissing to hand jobs VERY quickly, and just I think the first option is a better transition between first and third base.
Third Base:
Someone once proposed that this is sex. What? The hell is home base supposed to be then? Dummy.
I find it is more likely that third base is anything under the clothes below the waist (including hand work and oral sex). This works better with the flow of the bases, and is a better transition into home base boning.
Home Base:
Doing it. Boning. Sex. Intercourse. Whoopie. Love Making. Naughty Night Time Fun. Naked Wrestling. Humping.
Does there need to be a discussion about it? Really?
Also, for fun, we'll discuss when to hit them.
The average sexually confident adult should put one to three dates between each base.
Depending on your personal views and the person.
Less than one date is a bit slutty...or more than a bit, really.
And more than three is asking a lot of patience from the other person unless you've both discussed and agreed to that sort of thing.
First date? Probably okay to kiss, or you can wait until you've completed one whole date and use the second one to introduce kissing.
Third date? Second base makes sense at this point. Especially if you like someone enough to go out on multiple dates with them, it'd be strange to not like them enough to let them see you shirtless.
Three plus three is...six, okay, Sixth date? This is a solid month of courtship at least, if you average a date a week (which you shouldn't exceed since that's a lot of time with each other, and shouldn't fall short of because it makes you seem uninterested), and so third base should be coming up. Though, to be honest, stopping at second and third is a difficult task. It's kind of weird, for me, to get to third and then just walk away from it. That's a lot of self control that some of us don't really have.
So, if you can control yourself and haven't zoomed past second and third bases early on, it should be around or before date nine that you cross home plate.
Zoom.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Porn
I recently stumbled across this series of images...and I am fairly sure it is also a book and a calendar and probably a series of tacky posters too.
For those too lazy to click the link, I'll describe it.
Moderately attractive to fairly homely men do domestic chores or just perform common co-habitational courtesies.
It is called "Porn for Women."
Obviously! Because women are only turned on by seeing a man putting the toilet lid down, or agreeing to take out the garbage, or do this dishes.
Of course.
It's funny. I know it is intended to be funny, but it is just one example in a string of things that stumbleupon has sent me to that imply that women can only be pleased by having a man clean or do chores...so I'm going to use it as a jumping off point for today's post.
You know what is porn for women? Porn.
Why wouldn't it be?
I'm not saying that porn is great for feminism, I mean...obviously that isn't the case. But this is about women getting aroused, not feminism.
If I'm going to watch porn I want to see some bimbo getting nailed, not some guy with a pencil mustache scrubbing a lasagna pan. Boo.
Look at this guy! He is...oh, how do I put this...not at all good looking.
Though, let's be honest, the men you see stickin' it to skanks in porn aren't real prizes either. In fact, I've seen some really horribly ugly men boning some fine bitches. You'd never see that in real life! Four guys in a van could never roll up next to a hot girl and convince her into a gang bang, and oh how convenient!-she isn't even wearing a bra or underwear! Thank god!
Porn is unrealistic to say the least. But at least it isn't stupid like photos of men sweeping.
Moral of the story: Funny video about how ladies love porn.
For those too lazy to click the link, I'll describe it.
Moderately attractive to fairly homely men do domestic chores or just perform common co-habitational courtesies.
It is called "Porn for Women."
Obviously! Because women are only turned on by seeing a man putting the toilet lid down, or agreeing to take out the garbage, or do this dishes.
Of course.
It's funny. I know it is intended to be funny, but it is just one example in a string of things that stumbleupon has sent me to that imply that women can only be pleased by having a man clean or do chores...so I'm going to use it as a jumping off point for today's post.
You know what is porn for women? Porn.
Why wouldn't it be?
 |
| Gollum is all about clean kitchens! |
If I'm going to watch porn I want to see some bimbo getting nailed, not some guy with a pencil mustache scrubbing a lasagna pan. Boo.
Look at this guy! He is...oh, how do I put this...not at all good looking.
Though, let's be honest, the men you see stickin' it to skanks in porn aren't real prizes either. In fact, I've seen some really horribly ugly men boning some fine bitches. You'd never see that in real life! Four guys in a van could never roll up next to a hot girl and convince her into a gang bang, and oh how convenient!-she isn't even wearing a bra or underwear! Thank god!
Porn is unrealistic to say the least. But at least it isn't stupid like photos of men sweeping.
Moral of the story: Funny video about how ladies love porn.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
My Ideal Man
I know that everyone has been waiting patiently (and yet eagerly) for me to blog about the qualities I look for in a man.
It is your lucky day!
I'll begin with an aside, though, to set you up for the potentially surprising list ahead (especially if you don't know me super well).
A long time ago Alison and I were mulling over our Lists of 5.
What is that, you might ask?
Oh, I'll tell you.
It's that thing where you choose 5 celebrities you'd get to bone if you had the chance, no matter what level of relationship you're in.
Alison's was pretty standard if I recall correctly: James Roday, Zac Efron, James Marsden...the expected level of hotness in a celebrity wish list.
Here is my list:
1. Jason Segel
2. Seth Rogan
3. Jonah Hill
4. Nathan Fillion
5. Andy Samberg
Did you spot any sort of pattern?
Here, I'll help.
See it now?
Good.
I couldn't find a picture of these three plus Samberg but Google images that bitch and you'll see it holds true.
Nathan Fillion is a bit of an outlier and he is on this list for two very VERY good reasons: Captain Malcolm Reynolds and Captain Hammer.
As I mentioned before, in my dreams I am married to Jason Segel, and this especially comes in handy when I have to lie about being married in order to stop some random dude from hitting on me.
Señor Segel is a VERY high scorer in the following categories.
Here are three of the main traits I appreciate most in a man friend:
MUST be between 6'2" and 6'5" tall. While he can be between 6' and 6'2" it's just slightly too short and if he is over 6'6" then he is going to be more than a foot taller than me and that would just look silly (for those keeping score at home, Jason measures in at 6'4"). Though...the taller a boy is the farther away his face is, so it matters less and less whether or not he is good looking...I'm going to keep that in mind. It might come in handy some day...
Really OUGHT to be artistic in some way. If he wants to make music, that's great or if he can write, then that's great too. If he paints or sings or acts I'm fine with that. So long as he is passionate about it and willing to share (in related news Jason is a writer, actor, and a musician so...chalk that up to a win).
A boy who can make me laugh is going to rank WAY higher than a guy with six pack abs (though I like when boys are slightly pudgier so that isn't a great comparison). If he is funny and nice and witty, that's going to be a lot more impressive than a Mustang or a Rolex or a fly booty (I don't even need to remind you about how perfectly Mr. Segel fits this criteria...including the fly booty part).
SEE! All three of those are things I really enjoy in boys, and they're all things that Jason is! IT IS PERFECT!
Moral of the story: If I don't reign it in I'm going to cross over into the creep stalker zone of fans...
It is your lucky day!
I'll begin with an aside, though, to set you up for the potentially surprising list ahead (especially if you don't know me super well).
A long time ago Alison and I were mulling over our Lists of 5.
What is that, you might ask?
Oh, I'll tell you.
It's that thing where you choose 5 celebrities you'd get to bone if you had the chance, no matter what level of relationship you're in.
Alison's was pretty standard if I recall correctly: James Roday, Zac Efron, James Marsden...the expected level of hotness in a celebrity wish list.
Here is my list:
1. Jason Segel
2. Seth Rogan
3. Jonah Hill
4. Nathan Fillion
5. Andy Samberg
Did you spot any sort of pattern?
Here, I'll help.
Good.
I couldn't find a picture of these three plus Samberg but Google images that bitch and you'll see it holds true.
Nathan Fillion is a bit of an outlier and he is on this list for two very VERY good reasons: Captain Malcolm Reynolds and Captain Hammer.
As I mentioned before, in my dreams I am married to Jason Segel, and this especially comes in handy when I have to lie about being married in order to stop some random dude from hitting on me.
Señor Segel is a VERY high scorer in the following categories.
Here are three of the main traits I appreciate most in a man friend:
MUST be between 6'2" and 6'5" tall. While he can be between 6' and 6'2" it's just slightly too short and if he is over 6'6" then he is going to be more than a foot taller than me and that would just look silly (for those keeping score at home, Jason measures in at 6'4"). Though...the taller a boy is the farther away his face is, so it matters less and less whether or not he is good looking...I'm going to keep that in mind. It might come in handy some day...
Really OUGHT to be artistic in some way. If he wants to make music, that's great or if he can write, then that's great too. If he paints or sings or acts I'm fine with that. So long as he is passionate about it and willing to share (in related news Jason is a writer, actor, and a musician so...chalk that up to a win).
A boy who can make me laugh is going to rank WAY higher than a guy with six pack abs (though I like when boys are slightly pudgier so that isn't a great comparison). If he is funny and nice and witty, that's going to be a lot more impressive than a Mustang or a Rolex or a fly booty (I don't even need to remind you about how perfectly Mr. Segel fits this criteria...including the fly booty part).
SEE! All three of those are things I really enjoy in boys, and they're all things that Jason is! IT IS PERFECT!
Moral of the story: If I don't reign it in I'm going to cross over into the creep stalker zone of fans...
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Bringin' It Back
I've spent the past week at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland, Oregon.
Hold your applause.
This is a family thing that we do every year, to come and see 7 plays in 4 days (or 6 in 3, or 8 in 4 or whatever combination we can work out). Usually we have 4 Shakespeare plays and 3ish other works of theatrical mastery. Impressive, no?
Shakespeare wrote some pretty awesome plays.
Othello, Macbeth, King Lear, Hamlet, and that one about impulsive idiots who fall in 'love' and kill themselves
All great works!
He spent a lot of his time coming up with and using fun words.
Many of these were fun words for 'a whore.'
Being here in Ashland, watching 10 or 12 hours worth of actors yelling at each other in Elizabethan English reminds me that these words tend to be AWESOME.
And I am bringin' them back into the vernacular!
So here we go:
Strumpet! (I always think of the word 'trumpet' when I hear this...I guess they're both things that are easily bought, make loud noises, and can be full of other people's spit if you aren't careful)
Jezebel!
Fornicatress!
Shrew! Apparently this thing is also a shrew ---->
Tart! (not just a dessert anymore, it's now also a thing to call a slutty woman)
Harlot!
Tramp! (also a delightful Disney character)
Wench! (no, not a wrench, a wench)
Hussy!
Jade!
Now when you need to tell a woman that she is a skanky, no good, slutty, whore muffin, you can call her one of these words instead.
Moral of the story: Being a dork can come in handy when insulting the easier members of my gender.
Hold your applause.
This is a family thing that we do every year, to come and see 7 plays in 4 days (or 6 in 3, or 8 in 4 or whatever combination we can work out). Usually we have 4 Shakespeare plays and 3ish other works of theatrical mastery. Impressive, no?
Shakespeare wrote some pretty awesome plays.
Othello, Macbeth, King Lear, Hamlet, and that one about impulsive idiots who fall in 'love' and kill themselves
All great works!
He spent a lot of his time coming up with and using fun words.
Many of these were fun words for 'a whore.'
Being here in Ashland, watching 10 or 12 hours worth of actors yelling at each other in Elizabethan English reminds me that these words tend to be AWESOME.
And I am bringin' them back into the vernacular!
So here we go:
Strumpet! (I always think of the word 'trumpet' when I hear this...I guess they're both things that are easily bought, make loud noises, and can be full of other people's spit if you aren't careful)
Jezebel!
Fornicatress!
 |
| Fuzzy, Cute, and Slutty |
Tart! (not just a dessert anymore, it's now also a thing to call a slutty woman)
Harlot!
Tramp! (also a delightful Disney character)
Wench! (no, not a wrench, a wench)
Hussy!
Jade!
Now when you need to tell a woman that she is a skanky, no good, slutty, whore muffin, you can call her one of these words instead.
Moral of the story: Being a dork can come in handy when insulting the easier members of my gender.
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