Ex's and Oh's

Here's a little diddy I like to call "Dating or being friends with your friend's ex."
I also like to call it "bullshit."

People always want to try this. There's a girl or boy who has been around your friend group for awhile, dating someone you know. They're nice. They're cute. They're fun. Oh yay!

Then your friend breaks up with them. Oh no!
You like this person, either as a friend or as a little more than that. So what to do?

Well, first thing's first, don't fucking date them right away.
This ruins friendships, and not only that, but groups of friendships. Whole social cliques are split up and ruined for ages because of this sort of douchebaggery.

Do you see? Do you see the rule with my sweet, totally not generated in Microsoft Word graphic? Can I be more clear?

I think being friends, and especially being good friends with an ex of your friend is pretty shitty. I know people who are like this, who insist they'd never date a friend's ex, but still hang out with the ex or talk to them all the time. "I'd never date Ex because Friend and I are such good friends!" Well then why the fuck are you hanging out with Ex all the time?
Rough.
That means your friend has to deal with you talking to and about the ex all the time.
After three years and other serious relationships? Not a huge deal.
Three days later and your friend is still in the sweatpants and ice cream phase? Pretty big deal.

I don't mean to say you can never be social with a friend's ex, and it's not to say that everyone your friends hook up with is off limits, but I am saying that you need to be more considerate of your friend.
Ask if they're okay with it!
Try to not suck.

Moral of the story: If you do this, then

Holiday Hello

YAY! TURKEY DAY!


Gobble, gobble, bitches!

Rebound(ed)

Let's talk.
Breaking up is hard to do.
Yes, I did just do that to you.
Sorry I'm not sorry.


Moving right along! Breaking up means you're suddenly single again, unless you did that douchey thing where you break up with someone for someone else. That has always seemed rude to me. It also blurs the line cheating, I think, and we all know that cheating is the most asshole-y thing you can do.
So. You're single now.
What to do?


Depending on how long the relationship was, I usually say you get a day for each month the relationship lasted. If you only dated for a month, you should probably get over it pretty quick. If you dated for two years, well, you get a month to get over that. That's a lot of relationship.


But then there is that complicated period after a break-up where you're not sure if you're getting with someone as a rebound, or as a new relationship.

Situation: You just got out of a two year relationship, it's within the prescribed mourning period (24-28 days), but you're going out to the bar with friends to try and stay chipper. Oh look, a cute boy, and then you make out.
Rebound.
Duh.


But what about if you got out a six month relationship over a month ago? Well that's not a rebound, you're just making out with someone. Obviously.

It can be difficult, depending on the seriousness of the relationship, to determine where the line is. It changes for each person and each relationship, and each new thing, but I don't believe you can happily start a new relationship a week after ending another one.

I knew someone in high school who did that. He had a serious relationship that lasted probably eight months and was pretty serious/dramatic. It was exhausting. Anyways, this girl broke up with him in a sudden way and less than a week later he was with a new girl.
You need time to sort out your feelings and recover. You're taking those feelings for that first person and just rolling them over on to your new mate. That seems weird.
Anyone else think it's a little strange?


Moral of the story: You're perfectly fine to hook up with whomever you please, but don't fool yourself into thinking it's not a rebound. There's nothing wrong with them!

Trend Setter

Here is something I have noticed: when my posts mention PORN, PENISES, PORN, SEX, PORN, or, weirdly enough, THE MYSTERY METHOD explicitly then there is a serious jump in the number of hits.
For example: the post titled "Porn" has nearly a hundred views. The post called "How To: 4," which talks about my displeasure that the Mystery Method is a thing, has almost 200.
Curious.

I think, also, that most of those are views from the international circles.
Hello, non-Americans. I'm not a porn website.

ALSO! I think I lot of people search for the Mystery Method, because they're lonely, and a link with "virgin" in the title probably sparks their attention, because hey, they're one of those! (Yeah, I said it.)

Also, blogger allows me to see what searches have brought people to the blog. Good work, Google, you  win again.

Most are innocuous...

The one that has the highest number of referrals is "Virgin Mary Porn."
Also it shows up multiple times.
Is anyone else as worried as I am?

Also, apparently, Courtney Love it a big draw.
Who knew?

Guess I'll just need to talk about PORN and THE MYSTERY METHOD more.

Moral of the story: I capitalize the stupid things people are into because I want them to see my judgement.

The Dangers of Edible Underthings

We one time talked about eating in bed and it was a great discussion. Combining sex and food is a tradition that dates back to the earliest civilizations that had any sort of surplus and sex drive. It is an ancient and respectable tradition.
But that only applies to tappin' that ass and eating a sandwich at the same time.
It is neither ancient nor respectable to involve candy underthings in your love making.

The most popular sort of candy undergarments are made from those little round things that you get on necklaces and bracelets as a kid and then you try to eat them and all you do is gnaw on them hopelessly in an attempt to get a sugar rush. Plus, at a certain point you have candy dust all over you and a loose, soggy piece of elastic-y string around your neck.

 Yeah. They were great that first time in fifth grade but they've sucked ever since then.
And because they suck so bad, someone thought it was a good idea to turn them into underwearable.

The candy bra:

It looks like something I'd see in a warehouse at 3 am on a sad, confused fourteen-year-old girl in the middle of a sweaty, flailing, Ecstasy-fueled mob. She is also wearing bright orange converse shoes, tights (probably neon), has neon colored hair and her arms are covered in those "candies" bracelets which are actually just beads that spell out PLUR and their rave name...like TeknoLihtz or CandiiHart or RayvorzRStoopidd. Because they are.
So anyways, if I ever saw someone wearing this and saying "oooh baby, if you wanna see me naked, you're going to work for it!"
You mean I'm going to have to risk diabetes for something I can already see through the lines of candy?
Wonderful.
Also, this candy sucks and is not something I want to eat 2 boobs worth of.

The Candy Thong

As with all underpants: I do not want to touch them unless they are a) mine or 2) freshly laundered.
I can promise that this piece of edible naughtiness will never be either of those things.

There are a lot of problems with this thing, and not the least of which is comfort.
Tiny candy pieces rolling around between your ass cheeks? That's not fun, playful, or sexy. That's weird.
Also, you're still going to ask the other person to eat it, and unless it was JUST put on, this would be unspeakably gross to eat or put your face near. The dye from the candies would rub off on you, then you'd get candy dust all over everything and those sharp shards of candy as you crack some of them off...and then you'd have to be near the candies that were between the ass cheeks in the thong string.

No.
Not even if the alternative was to die by Cthulu.
No.

Moral of the story: Candy is dandy, but not when it's in your ass.

Holiday Hello

Happy Halloween, Whores!

If you were curious, I'll have my dick in a box tonight.
Win. 

What Would Your Mother Say?

Halloween brings out the whores.
It's a common thing.
I certainly won't judge you...
No...no, wait...I will. I will judge you. SO HARD.

I know that Halloween is, at first, a thinly veiled excuse for fat kids to indulge themselves and for all other children to wander around unaccompanied at night, and then, as we get older, it becomes an excuse for our private parts to be thinly veiled. See what I did there?

So today, in honor of this delightful excuse for partying and nudity, I will bring you in on my Halloween plans.

FIRST since Halloween is a Monday, we are required by law to go out both that night AND the nearest Friday and Saturday (we go out every Friday and Saturday, but we'll be in costume for these ones so it is special).

All three nights will be like Christmas for us, no, not for the night itself but for the presents that the morning will bring.

Allow me to explain.
My dear bro Alison lives along a street called Indian. Her abode lies between campus (where the freshmen live in their dorms) and the area of our city most densely populated by college kids who host parties.
Can you see where this is going?

We will be involved in the greatest tradition known to man:
THE POST HALLOWEEN WALK OF SHAME JUDGES PANEL

Oh yes.

We will have lawn chairs.
We will have score cards.
We will have bottles of champagne with some orange juice inside so they technically count as mimosas and we don't have to worry about the implications of drinking the whole bottle at 8am.

Imagine it, readers.
I'll give you a preview of the morning so you can enjoy my bitchiness without actually having to be near me.

 

What? No. What? Whhhhaaaa?

Please leave me alone, weird girl who happens to have a nice body but has no social skills at all. That anime themed Halloween party you went to does not count as fun. It counts as weird. Please tell me you didn't own that hat BEFORE this holiday, because I have a sneaking suspicion you did.

3/10

You scare me.

Aww, sexy cowgirl. She's probably never been around an animal bigger than a labradoodle but man does she think she looks cute in cowboy boots. She is trying to get back to campus before the dining hall opens up and people are awake to see her. Probably she slept with some really gross guy last night, probably the first guy to call her sexy and offer her a Natty Ice. Poor thing.
6/10

Sexy cop...you are not original. When I see you walk past, my initial reaction is to roll my eyes.
This girl is freezing cold (because it is Washington, in late Autumn, in the early morning),  and she didn't think to bring a jacket or change of clothes. Do you know why? She "totally didn't plan to stay there" but her friends got too drunk and left her at a party because she was too drunk to walk and puked in someone's dishwasher. Probably she can't really walk because she slept half on a coffee table, half on the floor and lost a shoe.
Her pain makes me laugh even though her costume is boring.
7.5/10

Congrats on those boobs, by the way, those are RIDICULOUS.

I have no comments. No matter what happened to her the previous night, even if she just fell asleep at a friend's house and isn't too hung over, seeing that costume walking around in the light of day? Priceless.

10/10

SEE?
This is fun. Try it sometime.

Moral of the story: Halloween is the most best holiday