Excuse Me, Sir, But Your Pants Are On Fire

I promised you a rant about cheaters, so here it is.

Cheating is, without a doubt, the most inconsiderate, cruel, and hurtful thing you can do to someone you have professed to care about.

Here is the set up:
You (T) are dating someone (S), and you two have been together for...uhm, say a year and change. Peachy! You've met the families, had a holiday season together, hung out, you talk all the time, you've had a one year anniversary, and by all accounts you are in a serious, monogamous relationship.
Then you start talking to someone from class (R), you two get coffee, have study sessions, sit together each class session and suddenly you realize that you really like this new person and want to see what it would be like to be with them.
That is okay.
Feelings change.
But maybe you still have feelings for S? Or you don't want to let go of that relationship?
Sure.
Okay.

Here are your options:



a) You stop talking to R as much and make sure they know you will only be friends with them and you love S and that's that. You put renewed effort into the relationship with S and stay strong. You will feel like a jerk for being tempted, but you've made a choice and you stick to it.

 
Verdict: Thumbs up, but you have to keep an eye on yourself and be careful about putting yourself in temptation's way again.
b) You decide that your relationship with S is not what you want, and while you still care about them, you are no longer emotionally fulfilled by the relationship and R. You break up. You wait the proper mourning period and start dating R. It will be hard, and S will be more upset for longer, but you still did the right thing. It's a little shitty that you overlapped the new person and S, but it could have been way worse.
Verdict: You did not betray either of their trusts, but you blurred the lines that distinguish relationships, so you're not a great person but you're not a total wang either.


c) You break up with S, but you don't start going out with R either. You realize that if you had this relationship and if you had been really committed to it, you would never have been tempted by R, AND that if you really want to be with R, you can find them later but you don't want to start that relationship right off the tail of the previous one, because that could end poorly and you'll resent R and put everyone through more turmoil.

Verdict: You realize that is was wrong to be tempted, and you don't want to hurt S, but it'd be worse to continue on pretending that S is all you want and need.


d) You say "fuck it" and then literally fuck it. Without any consideration for either S or R, you start sleeping with R while continuing your relationship with S. From one you get the thrill and adventure of a new relationship and new sex, and from the other you get the steady, loving relationship that assures you that you won't die alone. Eventually S will find out, or R will discover you are in a relationship. If R knew you were in a relationship, that makes them as bad of a person as you, and if they didn't know, then you have cheated on two people now, which is really shitty. S will be heart broken, because this relationship they put time and effort in to has crumbled apart and they've been made to feel worthless and disregarded because you went somewhere else for affection. R will feel shitty because no one ever wants to the "the other person."
Verdict: I hate you. You lied to two people who cared about you and, no matter what you do, you have proved that you cannot be trusted and do not deserve the love of another human being.

It is sad to say that most people do not choose option A or C... many choose B, but even more go with D, because, apparently, "fuck it, only my feelings matter" is the motto of the 20somethings these days.

It is also important to note that, because of how most cheating occurs, the phrase "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater," applies 90% of the time.
Cheating reflects on a selfish, haphazard nature wherein you care only for your own satisfaction and feelings without regard to the person or people you're hurting.
I concede that there are some special situations, but really, if you're unhappy in a relationship and instead of breaking up and moving on, you just move on without the other person's knowing, it means you're kind of a douche.

Moral of the story: Stop being an asshole.

Walk This Way

Phew, look at the time! It's...a week past the time I was supposed to post!
Good work, self!

High Fives for Good Work!

So, instead of angrily type-yelling at you about cheaters (spoiler alert for next week!), I thought I'd tell you a super funny story. You'll love it, I promise.

Once upon a time, many years ago, when I was just a young thing of no more than seventeen, I had a group of friends who always liked to drink. Oh man, did we drink. So much drinkery. It was a lot of fun, but as you all know, drinking leads to bad decisions. So many terrible decisions.
My friend...uhh...I'll be discrete and call him...John Mcclane, made one such terrible decision. He decided to have sex with a random girl at a party. I don't remember really seeing her before they disappeared together, but I remember shaking my head at his choice of women (I think she was wearing a My Chemical Romance shirt, or something else tacky and soooo 2004).
We didn't think much of it.

Then, fuck knows how long after that, myself and a couple other people (we'll call them Theo and Karl...and we'll call me Hans...) were trying to find a place to smoke inside the house without having the host see. So we go opening doors looking for an empty room.

You know exactly where this is going.

This guy reacts to being walked in on...

Oh no! It's John Mcclane!

But here is what is so particularly unique and strange about this set up:
He is lying there on his back, starfished.

In case you don't know what it means "To Starfish."

This girl is...oh, how do I say it? She's riding him like one of those mechanical bull machines at tacky Western themed bars. This girl is going banana nuts on his banana...and nuts.
John though? Just...lying there. Completely nonplussed.

So we've opened the door and are all standing there, shocked. We haven't moved but to tilt our heads to one side or the other, caught between being impressed and wondering if maybe this is nonconsentual.
Then, slowly, John leans around the girl and makes eye contact with us.
He smiles.
He waves.
Then lays back down.

The girl does not notice. She...maybe she even refuses to notice, or she's so drunk and so into it that she simply doesn't see the light we've shown on the situation, nor does she notice his sudden movement.

Anyways, what are we to do but smile awkwardly, wave back, and get the fuck out.

Oh...high school, you're so silly.

Moral of the story: Maybe knock before walking into random rooms at parties...

Ex's and Oh's

Here's a little diddy I like to call "Dating or being friends with your friend's ex."
I also like to call it "bullshit."

People always want to try this. There's a girl or boy who has been around your friend group for awhile, dating someone you know. They're nice. They're cute. They're fun. Oh yay!

Then your friend breaks up with them. Oh no!
You like this person, either as a friend or as a little more than that. So what to do?

Well, first thing's first, don't fucking date them right away.
This ruins friendships, and not only that, but groups of friendships. Whole social cliques are split up and ruined for ages because of this sort of douchebaggery.

Do you see? Do you see the rule with my sweet, totally not generated in Microsoft Word graphic? Can I be more clear?

I think being friends, and especially being good friends with an ex of your friend is pretty shitty. I know people who are like this, who insist they'd never date a friend's ex, but still hang out with the ex or talk to them all the time. "I'd never date Ex because Friend and I are such good friends!" Well then why the fuck are you hanging out with Ex all the time?
Rough.
That means your friend has to deal with you talking to and about the ex all the time.
After three years and other serious relationships? Not a huge deal.
Three days later and your friend is still in the sweatpants and ice cream phase? Pretty big deal.

I don't mean to say you can never be social with a friend's ex, and it's not to say that everyone your friends hook up with is off limits, but I am saying that you need to be more considerate of your friend.
Ask if they're okay with it!
Try to not suck.

Moral of the story: If you do this, then

Holiday Hello

YAY! TURKEY DAY!


Gobble, gobble, bitches!

Rebound(ed)

Let's talk.
Breaking up is hard to do.
Yes, I did just do that to you.
Sorry I'm not sorry.


Moving right along! Breaking up means you're suddenly single again, unless you did that douchey thing where you break up with someone for someone else. That has always seemed rude to me. It also blurs the line cheating, I think, and we all know that cheating is the most asshole-y thing you can do.
So. You're single now.
What to do?


Depending on how long the relationship was, I usually say you get a day for each month the relationship lasted. If you only dated for a month, you should probably get over it pretty quick. If you dated for two years, well, you get a month to get over that. That's a lot of relationship.


But then there is that complicated period after a break-up where you're not sure if you're getting with someone as a rebound, or as a new relationship.

Situation: You just got out of a two year relationship, it's within the prescribed mourning period (24-28 days), but you're going out to the bar with friends to try and stay chipper. Oh look, a cute boy, and then you make out.
Rebound.
Duh.


But what about if you got out a six month relationship over a month ago? Well that's not a rebound, you're just making out with someone. Obviously.

It can be difficult, depending on the seriousness of the relationship, to determine where the line is. It changes for each person and each relationship, and each new thing, but I don't believe you can happily start a new relationship a week after ending another one.

I knew someone in high school who did that. He had a serious relationship that lasted probably eight months and was pretty serious/dramatic. It was exhausting. Anyways, this girl broke up with him in a sudden way and less than a week later he was with a new girl.
You need time to sort out your feelings and recover. You're taking those feelings for that first person and just rolling them over on to your new mate. That seems weird.
Anyone else think it's a little strange?


Moral of the story: You're perfectly fine to hook up with whomever you please, but don't fool yourself into thinking it's not a rebound. There's nothing wrong with them!

Trend Setter

Here is something I have noticed: when my posts mention PORN, PENISES, PORN, SEX, PORN, or, weirdly enough, THE MYSTERY METHOD explicitly then there is a serious jump in the number of hits.
For example: the post titled "Porn" has nearly a hundred views. The post called "How To: 4," which talks about my displeasure that the Mystery Method is a thing, has almost 200.
Curious.

I think, also, that most of those are views from the international circles.
Hello, non-Americans. I'm not a porn website.

ALSO! I think I lot of people search for the Mystery Method, because they're lonely, and a link with "virgin" in the title probably sparks their attention, because hey, they're one of those! (Yeah, I said it.)

Also, blogger allows me to see what searches have brought people to the blog. Good work, Google, you  win again.

Most are innocuous...

The one that has the highest number of referrals is "Virgin Mary Porn."
Also it shows up multiple times.
Is anyone else as worried as I am?

Also, apparently, Courtney Love it a big draw.
Who knew?

Guess I'll just need to talk about PORN and THE MYSTERY METHOD more.

Moral of the story: I capitalize the stupid things people are into because I want them to see my judgement.

The Dangers of Edible Underthings

We one time talked about eating in bed and it was a great discussion. Combining sex and food is a tradition that dates back to the earliest civilizations that had any sort of surplus and sex drive. It is an ancient and respectable tradition.
But that only applies to tappin' that ass and eating a sandwich at the same time.
It is neither ancient nor respectable to involve candy underthings in your love making.

The most popular sort of candy undergarments are made from those little round things that you get on necklaces and bracelets as a kid and then you try to eat them and all you do is gnaw on them hopelessly in an attempt to get a sugar rush. Plus, at a certain point you have candy dust all over you and a loose, soggy piece of elastic-y string around your neck.

 Yeah. They were great that first time in fifth grade but they've sucked ever since then.
And because they suck so bad, someone thought it was a good idea to turn them into underwearable.

The candy bra:

It looks like something I'd see in a warehouse at 3 am on a sad, confused fourteen-year-old girl in the middle of a sweaty, flailing, Ecstasy-fueled mob. She is also wearing bright orange converse shoes, tights (probably neon), has neon colored hair and her arms are covered in those "candies" bracelets which are actually just beads that spell out PLUR and their rave name...like TeknoLihtz or CandiiHart or RayvorzRStoopidd. Because they are.
So anyways, if I ever saw someone wearing this and saying "oooh baby, if you wanna see me naked, you're going to work for it!"
You mean I'm going to have to risk diabetes for something I can already see through the lines of candy?
Wonderful.
Also, this candy sucks and is not something I want to eat 2 boobs worth of.

The Candy Thong

As with all underpants: I do not want to touch them unless they are a) mine or 2) freshly laundered.
I can promise that this piece of edible naughtiness will never be either of those things.

There are a lot of problems with this thing, and not the least of which is comfort.
Tiny candy pieces rolling around between your ass cheeks? That's not fun, playful, or sexy. That's weird.
Also, you're still going to ask the other person to eat it, and unless it was JUST put on, this would be unspeakably gross to eat or put your face near. The dye from the candies would rub off on you, then you'd get candy dust all over everything and those sharp shards of candy as you crack some of them off...and then you'd have to be near the candies that were between the ass cheeks in the thong string.

No.
Not even if the alternative was to die by Cthulu.
No.

Moral of the story: Candy is dandy, but not when it's in your ass.