HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, MOTHERFUCKERS!
 |
| I'm the hot one...in the middle...in blue...ya' know...the hot one... |
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Can I get yo' number?
I love pick-up lines.
LOVE THEM.
I especially love when they go awry.
In fact, they're probably better when they go terribly.
Or when they're just terrible to begin with.
I just love pick-up lines.
I honestly think that if a dude used one on me, I'd be so charmed by its stupidity that I'd actually hold conversation with him. I wouldn't go home with him, but I'd chat. Mostly to find out why he ever thought it would work.
The thing I like most is that, usually, there is some major flaw in almost each and every pick-up line.
Examples:
"If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib."
Well...being compared to a chunk of dead animal is nice. But also, and here's where my intense knowledge of butchery comes in, the most valuable cuts of meat come from the tenderloin. That's where the fillet mignon comes from and that's the most expensive and tender cut of meat. Prime rib just comes from the ribs...ya' know...like all the other ribs on a cow. I guess maybe referencing "tenderloins" (tender loins) in a pick-up line is more forward than most guys want to be, but still.
You just compared this girl to raw meat, are you really getting respectful at the last minute?
"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."
Why would you do that? Everyone would have to relearn the song and that would be a pain for everyone. You really want to cause people that much trouble? Rude.
"Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?"
I appreciate the rhyming. I also appreciate the polite question. It isn't "Can I come home with you?" it's really asking my opinion and taking my comfort into account.
Good work, pick-up line.
Also, look what I found while poking around for bad pick-up lines.
LOVE THEM.
I especially love when they go awry.
In fact, they're probably better when they go terribly.
Or when they're just terrible to begin with.
I just love pick-up lines.
I honestly think that if a dude used one on me, I'd be so charmed by its stupidity that I'd actually hold conversation with him. I wouldn't go home with him, but I'd chat. Mostly to find out why he ever thought it would work.
The thing I like most is that, usually, there is some major flaw in almost each and every pick-up line.
Examples:
"If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib."
Well...being compared to a chunk of dead animal is nice. But also, and here's where my intense knowledge of butchery comes in, the most valuable cuts of meat come from the tenderloin. That's where the fillet mignon comes from and that's the most expensive and tender cut of meat. Prime rib just comes from the ribs...ya' know...like all the other ribs on a cow. I guess maybe referencing "tenderloins" (tender loins) in a pick-up line is more forward than most guys want to be, but still.
You just compared this girl to raw meat, are you really getting respectful at the last minute?
"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."
Why would you do that? Everyone would have to relearn the song and that would be a pain for everyone. You really want to cause people that much trouble? Rude.
"Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?"
I appreciate the rhyming. I also appreciate the polite question. It isn't "Can I come home with you?" it's really asking my opinion and taking my comfort into account.
Good work, pick-up line.
"If you were the new burger at McDonalds you would be the Mcgorgeous!"
I always enjoy being likened to a pile of fried grease that will give people heart attacks and kidney problems. Plus, adding the generic "Mc" in front of something really classes up the line.
"Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?"
As it turns out, the only way to make a living from being sexy is to be in porn...so...hopefully she's doing something other than just that or else you should maybe hit on someone else...ya' know...for herpes-evasion reasons.
"Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you."
This is a classic. I'd point out that a parking ticket does not have "fine" written all over it, in fact it only says "fine" once or twice (I know this because I get them almost constantly), but I know that isn't really helpful. Also, I'd hate to be a parking ticket because nobody likes them. Not even meter maids.
"I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?"
Yes, theoretically, if you are anywhere near me tomorrow night I will be able to see you then too. I do like the word play, and it is clever. But also, tomorrow night is pretty short notice, what if I have a test to study for? What if I have plans? WHAT IF?
"Was your father a thief? (No. Why?) Because someone had to steal the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes."
How dare you impugn my father's honor! He is a nice man! Also, having a star in your eye is physically impossible and would be terribly painful. A giant ball of burning gas? Bad idea.
Also, look what I found while poking around for bad pick-up lines.
What could possibly be going on here?
We'll never know!
Moral of the story: Pick-up lines may or may not be the stupidest things ever.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Tyin' the Knot
Marriage
I know you're all desperate to propose to me, and I can understand why.
I am awesome.
But your undying, burning love is not the reason I have written this post, no, you see some thing have come to light recently and I want to discuss them with you.
My uncle just passed away, which is very sad, mostly because it was very sudden.
That isn't the thing that came to light though.
What came to light is the fact that he is married.
He was married twice before, and had been dating a new woman for a couple of years, but apparently THEY GOT MARRIED 8 MONTHS AGO and didn't feel like telling anyone.
Somehow we found out a couple weeks ago, through a slip of the tongue or something, but his children have only found out he was married because of his death.
HIS CHILDREN DID NOT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED
You might say, "It was his third marriage so there was no reason to put up a fuss about it or have a ceremony or anything." Yes, but it was a) her first marriage and b) even if you don't want to do anything fancy, you should at least TELL people about it.
Secret marriages!
My friend Brian's family just had a similar thing happen wherein one of his cousins got married without really telling anyone.
Who does that?
Even if you think weddings are stupid, or you don't want to make a big deal out of it. At least send out a card, or...ya' know tell your children.
I personally do think weddings are stupid.
That is a lot of money spent on ONE day in your life.
Also, here are some big problems I have with the wedding ceremonies and why I refuse to have one:
First off, I'm not religious so having a ceremony is entirely pointless.
Second, I'm sure you know that brides are supposed to wear white because it shows that they are pure and virginal.
Bullshit.
ALSO!
Fathers walk their daughters down the aisle as a symbolic gesture that their property (the daughter) is being transferred to the ownership of her husband! Literally giving her to the husband. Because women are property.
So, the evidence stacks up against weddings.
I'm not against marriage. I think it's a good, responsible choice.
Weddings though?
Bullshit.
I'll walk down the aisle for one man, and I think you all know who that is.
Yeah.
Moral of the story: FUCKING TELL PEOPLE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED
I know you're all desperate to propose to me, and I can understand why.
I am awesome.
But your undying, burning love is not the reason I have written this post, no, you see some thing have come to light recently and I want to discuss them with you.
My uncle just passed away, which is very sad, mostly because it was very sudden.
That isn't the thing that came to light though.
What came to light is the fact that he is married.
He was married twice before, and had been dating a new woman for a couple of years, but apparently THEY GOT MARRIED 8 MONTHS AGO and didn't feel like telling anyone.
Somehow we found out a couple weeks ago, through a slip of the tongue or something, but his children have only found out he was married because of his death.
HIS CHILDREN DID NOT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED
You might say, "It was his third marriage so there was no reason to put up a fuss about it or have a ceremony or anything." Yes, but it was a) her first marriage and b) even if you don't want to do anything fancy, you should at least TELL people about it.
Secret marriages!
My friend Brian's family just had a similar thing happen wherein one of his cousins got married without really telling anyone.
Who does that?
Even if you think weddings are stupid, or you don't want to make a big deal out of it. At least send out a card, or...ya' know tell your children.
I personally do think weddings are stupid.
That is a lot of money spent on ONE day in your life.
Also, here are some big problems I have with the wedding ceremonies and why I refuse to have one:
First off, I'm not religious so having a ceremony is entirely pointless.
Second, I'm sure you know that brides are supposed to wear white because it shows that they are pure and virginal.
Yeah...that's not applicable. Also, wedding dresses are ridiculous. Look at this thing. I bet that dress costs 7,000 dollars at least. You look like a crazy person in that much pouf and sparkle. Also, now you have a seven thousand dollar dress that you can never wear again and do nothing with. Useless!
Next, engagement rings! Technically, chronologically, they come earlier but whatever. Do you know why engagement rings are thing? Women wear them as a token from their men so that other dudes know that woman is taken and off limits. Men don't have to wear them because men, unlike women, are not property and do not belong to their spouse. Men eventually wear wedding rings, but before that they can do whatever they like.
I call shenanigans.
ALSO!
Veils! Those were invented so you couldn't see your bride's face before taking the vows, and then, if she's ugly, it's too late to back out! I always love things that are meant to trick men into marrying me!Bullshit.
ALSO!
Fathers walk their daughters down the aisle as a symbolic gesture that their property (the daughter) is being transferred to the ownership of her husband! Literally giving her to the husband. Because women are property.
So, the evidence stacks up against weddings.
I'm not against marriage. I think it's a good, responsible choice.
Weddings though?
Bullshit.
I'll walk down the aisle for one man, and I think you all know who that is.
Yeah.
Moral of the story: FUCKING TELL PEOPLE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Greatest Mistake A Human Being Can Make
We've come to it.
The topic I've been stewing about for weeks.
Now I must write the post to end all posts.
Yes, reader(s), we've reached that point: hickies.
A hickey is, perhaps, the least attractive mark you can leave on a person.
They're fucking gross.
I know that everyone gets them at some point, and some people get a lot of them, and so I guess one major concern is not only how gross and ugly they are (and how they would mandate the wearing of a turtleneck mid-summer), but also how they are completely unacceptable beyond sophomore year of high school.
If you're going to suck on someone's neck for that long, shouldn't you be doing something more interesting? Just suctioning on them like an octopus fighting for its food is not sexy or efficient. It's boring. Also, don't stay in one place that long, and if you're not there for a while then you're sucking too hard. One or the other and neither is fun.
The topic I've been stewing about for weeks.
Now I must write the post to end all posts.
Yes, reader(s), we've reached that point: hickies.
A hickey is, perhaps, the least attractive mark you can leave on a person.
They're fucking gross.
Someone try to convince me that this isn't super yucky.
Go ahead, try it.
It is as if you got punched by a baby and its tiny, evil fists gave you weird little bruises.
If you're going to suck on someone's neck for that long, shouldn't you be doing something more interesting? Just suctioning on them like an octopus fighting for its food is not sexy or efficient. It's boring. Also, don't stay in one place that long, and if you're not there for a while then you're sucking too hard. One or the other and neither is fun.
I would say that they're in bad taste all the time, but you need a couple years worth of learning curve so you know what intensity/length causes that sort of mark.
Sophomore year of high school.
No older.
You know who gets hickies?
People like this.
Do you want to be like this kid?
NO
Of course you don't.
That's gross and terrible.
You're an adult!
If you insist on ruining my life, then you can at least leave a hickey somewhere more interesting than my neck, like I just got bitten by a vampire without his dentures in.
ALSO, have you ever gotten a hickey that is legitimately painful?
It sucks!
And you can't even pretend it's a burn from your straightener, because it's purple and shaped like your sex buddy's face hole.
Moral of the story: Hickies are disgusting, stop letting them be a thing.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
How To: 5
Breakups
Yikes
As functional young adults, we've all been in relationships and we've all had to break up with people.
Well, hopefully you've done the breaking up a time or two, and haven't just always been the person who gets broken up with.
That'd be depressing.
So here are some quick tips about breakups (totally NOT from experience...):
Maybe don't do it over text at 3am when he is really stoned.
That will potentially be really uncomfortable for everyone involved.
I definitely didn't do that one time...
Also, maybe don't say "We were both expecting it, so don't be surprised."
That is less polite than you think, and also maybe they are a little surprised.
Didn't do that either!
Potentially it is a bad idea to have a screaming match in a Starbucks too.
That is awkward for everyone, not just the two of you.
But seriously, here is some real advice for break ups:
Be honest, and be diplomatic.
If the person is boring you, tell them "I don't think have very much in common."
If the person is a slob, "We have different priorities."
If you've maybe been sleeping with other people, "I think we have grown apart."
Boom.
Nailed it!
I honestly feel that the break up can effect your feelings about the relationship for ever. Think about it! If you have a mutual, adult-esque break up, then you probably won't be bitter or bitchy about the relationship you had. If you get dumped out of the blue (over text?) then you'll be pretty upset about it and probably quite resentful.
Moral of the Story: No one wants to be the douchebag who breaks up with everyone in douchey ways.
Yikes
As functional young adults, we've all been in relationships and we've all had to break up with people.
Well, hopefully you've done the breaking up a time or two, and haven't just always been the person who gets broken up with.
That'd be depressing.
So here are some quick tips about breakups (totally NOT from experience...):
Maybe don't do it over text at 3am when he is really stoned.
That will potentially be really uncomfortable for everyone involved.
I definitely didn't do that one time...
 |
| Classic |
Also, maybe don't say "We were both expecting it, so don't be surprised."
That is less polite than you think, and also maybe they are a little surprised.
Didn't do that either!
Potentially it is a bad idea to have a screaming match in a Starbucks too.
That is awkward for everyone, not just the two of you.
But seriously, here is some real advice for break ups:
Be honest, and be diplomatic.
If the person is boring you, tell them "I don't think have very much in common."
If the person is a slob, "We have different priorities."
If you've maybe been sleeping with other people, "I think we have grown apart."
Boom.
Nailed it!
I honestly feel that the break up can effect your feelings about the relationship for ever. Think about it! If you have a mutual, adult-esque break up, then you probably won't be bitter or bitchy about the relationship you had. If you get dumped out of the blue (over text?) then you'll be pretty upset about it and probably quite resentful.
Moral of the Story: No one wants to be the douchebag who breaks up with everyone in douchey ways.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Bar Boys
I'm not much of one for furious rantings (that may or may not be pure fiction), and so you should know that when I say this, I mean it.
You are a dumb fucking dumbass if you think that a dude you meet at the bar gives one fraction of one shit about your personality.
This has happened twice in the past few weeks, where we have gone to bars and dumb girls will meet dudes and start thinking there is a real connection.
Know what the connection is?
Boobs.
Here is the situation:
They meet at a dance club and make out in the corner all night. Soon after that they start texting.
"OMG, he cares about me as a human being!"
uhhh...what?
"OMG, he invited me to a party with his friends!"
Oh, you mean he wants to get you drunk at a house with beds in it?
"OMG, there's a real connection."
No, this dude cares about two things and they're on your chest with nipples attached. He asked about your major? Fascinating. He asks what kinds of movies you like? Great.
Here is what you say:
"Oh, I'm a communications major because it's really important to me to communicate with people and have the resources to succeed in the business world!" (except comm majors are dumber than that)
and what he hears is:
"Oh, blah blah blah blah if you keep acting interested I'll give you a BJ in the bathroom because I'm dumb as a brick blah blah!"
Never
Ever
Ever
Think that a guy you meet at the bar cares about you as a human being.
He, like most guys, is trying to get laid.
He can tell when you're the kind of girl who needs three nice words and a half-date to spread 'em. He'll do it. Then he'll do you.
While I don't think it is wrong or stupid to meet guys at bars, or to have sex with dudes you meet at bars, I think it is REALLY stupid to convince yourself he wants anything more than that.
You have to be smarter than that.
If, the first time you meet a guy, you make out with him, what do you think his expectations are for the next time you see each other? You think he hopes to step backwards and just talk. That's not how the dance works. You don't give a dude an HJ then tell him your name. No.
He expects to touch on your body, and he'll talk but he will always be waiting for that moment where you make mouth babies.
Always.
Moral of the story: Your boobs outshine your personality.
You are a dumb fucking dumbass if you think that a dude you meet at the bar gives one fraction of one shit about your personality.
This has happened twice in the past few weeks, where we have gone to bars and dumb girls will meet dudes and start thinking there is a real connection.
Know what the connection is?
Boobs.
Here is the situation:
They meet at a dance club and make out in the corner all night. Soon after that they start texting.
"OMG, he cares about me as a human being!"
uhhh...what?
"OMG, he invited me to a party with his friends!"
Oh, you mean he wants to get you drunk at a house with beds in it?
"OMG, there's a real connection."
No, this dude cares about two things and they're on your chest with nipples attached. He asked about your major? Fascinating. He asks what kinds of movies you like? Great.
Here is what you say:
"Oh, I'm a communications major because it's really important to me to communicate with people and have the resources to succeed in the business world!" (except comm majors are dumber than that)
and what he hears is:
"Oh, blah blah blah blah if you keep acting interested I'll give you a BJ in the bathroom because I'm dumb as a brick blah blah!"
Never
Ever
Ever
Think that a guy you meet at the bar cares about you as a human being.
He, like most guys, is trying to get laid.
He can tell when you're the kind of girl who needs three nice words and a half-date to spread 'em. He'll do it. Then he'll do you.
While I don't think it is wrong or stupid to meet guys at bars, or to have sex with dudes you meet at bars, I think it is REALLY stupid to convince yourself he wants anything more than that.
You have to be smarter than that.
If, the first time you meet a guy, you make out with him, what do you think his expectations are for the next time you see each other? You think he hopes to step backwards and just talk. That's not how the dance works. You don't give a dude an HJ then tell him your name. No.
He expects to touch on your body, and he'll talk but he will always be waiting for that moment where you make mouth babies.
Always.
Moral of the story: Your boobs outshine your personality.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Everything In Life is The Opening for a Porno
The title says it all.
That is the thesis to the greatest essay ever.
In a fitting room? PORNO
Getting a package delivered? PORNO
Private tutoring session? PORNO
Buying a cake? PORNO
If you watch very much porn, you start seeing the situations everywhere. Kind of weird.
Have you ever been called into the office of your very attractive professor? If so, you know that you get really self-conscious of "asking what you can do to boost your grade" and "being willing to do anything" and "my it's so hot in here, let me take my jacket off...oh wait, I don't have a bra on!" and then you're twenty minutes deep in a sex movie. Weird.
I guess, in reality, the point of this post is to let you all know that you can live the porno of your dreams. Believe in yourself...and your genetalia.
Moral of the story: All day er'ry day!
That is the thesis to the greatest essay ever.
In a fitting room? PORNO
Getting a package delivered? PORNO
Private tutoring session? PORNO
Buying a cake? PORNO
If you watch very much porn, you start seeing the situations everywhere. Kind of weird.
Have you ever been called into the office of your very attractive professor? If so, you know that you get really self-conscious of "asking what you can do to boost your grade" and "being willing to do anything" and "my it's so hot in here, let me take my jacket off...oh wait, I don't have a bra on!" and then you're twenty minutes deep in a sex movie. Weird.
I guess, in reality, the point of this post is to let you all know that you can live the porno of your dreams. Believe in yourself...and your genetalia.
Moral of the story: All day er'ry day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)