Everything You Ever Needed To Know About Jamaican Men

Haven't we all dated a Jamaican dude? Even if we haven't dated them, we've all at least slept with a man from The Island. Right? Anybody? ...Bueller? ...Bueller?

Then I will rightfully assume that even if you have not done so yet then it is in your immediate plans to acquire some coconut scented, steel drum soundtrack'd, dreadlocked, ganja toking, Cool Runnings loving, Bob Marley-esque night time canoodling.

<-- Right? Am I right?

As someone who has kissed a Jamaican dude from time to time, I feel especially able to give you some fun facts about kissing them.

Here we go: While generally they're the same as every other guy, you should know a few key things.  Somehow they have a magic ability to choose the best rums when you go alcohol shopping. It must have something to do with the fact that they drink rum instead of milk when they're babies...everyone knows coconut rum has the same nutritional value as your mother's milk.
Potentially don't insist they play steel drums all the time, unless they can actually do that and then make them follow you around with it and play a sweet tink-ly sound track to your daily activities. Also, speak to them in a terrible fake accent as little as possible. Turns out they're offended by that...sissies. Who gets offended by stereotyping?

How to Choose A Jamaican:

How tall is he? Over six feet? -Good Jamaican
How well can he roll a 'cigarette'? Excellently? -GOOD Jamaican
Does he wear a lot of Rasta colors? Yes? -Fun Jamaican.
Does he have dreads? Yes? -Get the fuck out of there. Dreads are gross on everyone.
But does he have an afro? Yes? -AWESOME Jamaican
Can he quote every line from Cool Runnings? -Yes? -Marry him.


I suppose much of my advice come from my experience with just the one Jamaican, but that's cool because they're all the same right?

Moral of the story: Racism works.