Holiday Hello

Happy Birthday, Blog!


You're a year older, and a year sluttier!

Holiday Hello

Merry Christmas, Ho Ho Hos!

Variety

In the spirit of Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus, here is a list of types of people you should date at least briefly during your life.
Obviously you won't get to all of them, but try and get a little variety.

The "way too hot for me" person
The person who reads a lot
The person with a weird/new sex fetish
The rich person
The adventurer
The great cook
The person you can be lazy with
The nerd/geek/dork
The douchebag
The "way too nice for me" person
The traveler
The "way too smart for me" person
and
The "way too dumb for me" person
The crazy
The person who will keep you grounded no matter what
The best friend turned lover
The person with a very specific interest (like model trains or knitting hats)
The long shot
The outdoorsman
The person you'd never bring home to your parents
The poor person
The social butterfly
The person with all the ins to clubs and restaurants
The person you wish could spend the rest of your life with
The person you do spend the rest of your life with (they're likely to be different)

Moral of the story: Love is like a box of chocolates, you take a bite out of each one until you find your favorite, then you eat all of it.

Excuse Me, Sir, But Your Pants Are On Fire

I promised you a rant about cheaters, so here it is.

Cheating is, without a doubt, the most inconsiderate, cruel, and hurtful thing you can do to someone you have professed to care about.

Here is the set up:
You (T) are dating someone (S), and you two have been together for...uhm, say a year and change. Peachy! You've met the families, had a holiday season together, hung out, you talk all the time, you've had a one year anniversary, and by all accounts you are in a serious, monogamous relationship.
Then you start talking to someone from class (R), you two get coffee, have study sessions, sit together each class session and suddenly you realize that you really like this new person and want to see what it would be like to be with them.
That is okay.
Feelings change.
But maybe you still have feelings for S? Or you don't want to let go of that relationship?
Sure.
Okay.

Here are your options:



a) You stop talking to R as much and make sure they know you will only be friends with them and you love S and that's that. You put renewed effort into the relationship with S and stay strong. You will feel like a jerk for being tempted, but you've made a choice and you stick to it.

 
Verdict: Thumbs up, but you have to keep an eye on yourself and be careful about putting yourself in temptation's way again.
b) You decide that your relationship with S is not what you want, and while you still care about them, you are no longer emotionally fulfilled by the relationship and R. You break up. You wait the proper mourning period and start dating R. It will be hard, and S will be more upset for longer, but you still did the right thing. It's a little shitty that you overlapped the new person and S, but it could have been way worse.
Verdict: You did not betray either of their trusts, but you blurred the lines that distinguish relationships, so you're not a great person but you're not a total wang either.


c) You break up with S, but you don't start going out with R either. You realize that if you had this relationship and if you had been really committed to it, you would never have been tempted by R, AND that if you really want to be with R, you can find them later but you don't want to start that relationship right off the tail of the previous one, because that could end poorly and you'll resent R and put everyone through more turmoil.

Verdict: You realize that is was wrong to be tempted, and you don't want to hurt S, but it'd be worse to continue on pretending that S is all you want and need.


d) You say "fuck it" and then literally fuck it. Without any consideration for either S or R, you start sleeping with R while continuing your relationship with S. From one you get the thrill and adventure of a new relationship and new sex, and from the other you get the steady, loving relationship that assures you that you won't die alone. Eventually S will find out, or R will discover you are in a relationship. If R knew you were in a relationship, that makes them as bad of a person as you, and if they didn't know, then you have cheated on two people now, which is really shitty. S will be heart broken, because this relationship they put time and effort in to has crumbled apart and they've been made to feel worthless and disregarded because you went somewhere else for affection. R will feel shitty because no one ever wants to the "the other person."
Verdict: I hate you. You lied to two people who cared about you and, no matter what you do, you have proved that you cannot be trusted and do not deserve the love of another human being.

It is sad to say that most people do not choose option A or C... many choose B, but even more go with D, because, apparently, "fuck it, only my feelings matter" is the motto of the 20somethings these days.

It is also important to note that, because of how most cheating occurs, the phrase "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater," applies 90% of the time.
Cheating reflects on a selfish, haphazard nature wherein you care only for your own satisfaction and feelings without regard to the person or people you're hurting.
I concede that there are some special situations, but really, if you're unhappy in a relationship and instead of breaking up and moving on, you just move on without the other person's knowing, it means you're kind of a douche.

Moral of the story: Stop being an asshole.

Walk This Way

Phew, look at the time! It's...a week past the time I was supposed to post!
Good work, self!

High Fives for Good Work!

So, instead of angrily type-yelling at you about cheaters (spoiler alert for next week!), I thought I'd tell you a super funny story. You'll love it, I promise.

Once upon a time, many years ago, when I was just a young thing of no more than seventeen, I had a group of friends who always liked to drink. Oh man, did we drink. So much drinkery. It was a lot of fun, but as you all know, drinking leads to bad decisions. So many terrible decisions.
My friend...uhh...I'll be discrete and call him...John Mcclane, made one such terrible decision. He decided to have sex with a random girl at a party. I don't remember really seeing her before they disappeared together, but I remember shaking my head at his choice of women (I think she was wearing a My Chemical Romance shirt, or something else tacky and soooo 2004).
We didn't think much of it.

Then, fuck knows how long after that, myself and a couple other people (we'll call them Theo and Karl...and we'll call me Hans...) were trying to find a place to smoke inside the house without having the host see. So we go opening doors looking for an empty room.

You know exactly where this is going.

This guy reacts to being walked in on...

Oh no! It's John Mcclane!

But here is what is so particularly unique and strange about this set up:
He is lying there on his back, starfished.

In case you don't know what it means "To Starfish."

This girl is...oh, how do I say it? She's riding him like one of those mechanical bull machines at tacky Western themed bars. This girl is going banana nuts on his banana...and nuts.
John though? Just...lying there. Completely nonplussed.

So we've opened the door and are all standing there, shocked. We haven't moved but to tilt our heads to one side or the other, caught between being impressed and wondering if maybe this is nonconsentual.
Then, slowly, John leans around the girl and makes eye contact with us.
He smiles.
He waves.
Then lays back down.

The girl does not notice. She...maybe she even refuses to notice, or she's so drunk and so into it that she simply doesn't see the light we've shown on the situation, nor does she notice his sudden movement.

Anyways, what are we to do but smile awkwardly, wave back, and get the fuck out.

Oh...high school, you're so silly.

Moral of the story: Maybe knock before walking into random rooms at parties...