Saturday, April 28, 2012

How To: 6

How To Have The Best Night Of Your Life (So Far)

This past week took me from my sleepy college town to the polite, beautiful city of Vancouver, BC.

We went up on a Friday evening in order to spend the night celebrating the day of birth of my bro Alison, who you have all read so much about.
Technically it wasn't her birthday, but this was as close as we could get.

We had a lot of fun in the 'Coov and it reminded that I need to teach you how to have a great night.

It's just a few simple steps:

1) Make Sure You Feel Pretty
It's pretty well documented that it is hard to enjoy yourself when you're having an ugly day. If you are trying to go out on the town but you feel fat or have a big zit or your hair is weird, you're going to be too self conscious to enjoy yourself. At least that happens to me. You end up putting out a weird vibe. So this doesn't mean you can't still go out and see your friends, it just means you'll be off your game.

2) Have A Back-Up Plan
Fuck knows what could happen. For us, it meant that the 2 or 3 clubs we had in mind to go to were having shows that night and cover was crazy so we couldn't/didn't want to go in. So we just went to the big club and bar area and walked around until a place offered to let us in for free. Easy. It could mean that you have another happy hour option or you know of an after hour jazz club to go to or a restaurant that won't kick you out for being too drunk. Have an option or meet someone who does.

3) Be With Friends
The best way to enjoy yourself is to make sure you are surrounded by people you enjoy: friends who like the things you like, or who you can trust with your sloppiest drunk self, or who are just fun and motivate you to be fun too. You can go out with strangers and meet up with people along the way, certainly, but I don't recommend going out alone.

4) Always Say Yes
This doesn't mean "say yes to every lady/dude who wants your junk," but it does mean "say yes to adventure or to that next club or to that group of weird British dudes who want to take you to poutine at 4AM." Do you know what poutine is?  It's french fries, cheese curd, and gravy.

It looks like barf! But is apparently delicious. People make claims, I guess, but I'm not a french fry person, really, so that's a thing. BUT, some British guys we met on the street offered to buy us poutine so that happened for us. It turned out to be a highlight of the night because one of them got in a fist fight with the vendor. OVER POUTINE! If we hadn't gone with them we never would have had that experience, so it is a good thing we said yes.

Saying yes can be a really good thing, and it can get you a lot of fun stuff. Say yes to dancing with someone, or to that drink he wants to buy you, or to that limo ride to Denny's. Maybe don't say yes to that guy in the van or to that drink with a roofie in it, or to that cop when he asks if you're in the country illegally, but within reason, always say yes.

With these four steps in mind I think you guys can really take it from drab to fab!

Moral of the story: Every night can be the best night!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

The Sexiest Playlist

I really enjoy making playlists.

A lot.

Everyone does, though, honestly.

I usually make them for roadtrips or types of music, but occasionally also for special events or themes.

A long time ago I made a pretty sexy playlist, and I think that, for those who struggle with finding good "doing it" music, it would be good to share with everyone.

I warn you, this may be too sexy for some people...and also maybe too 80's, but that has never been a problem for me...I also love the '80's and power ballads so that might be a factor. Consult your night time friend for their opinion on it.

Hopefully you are wise enough to bone someone who likes '80's music though, if not, I'm disappointed in you.

Your foreplay song: "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off" -Jermaine Stewart
Download it:

From there we go to "I Didn't Mean To Turn You On" -Robert Palmer and we have a good, fun theme going, which everyone enjoys.  Then "I Wanna Sex You Up" -Color Me Badd which is arguably the most delightful doing it song ever
Download it:

"Naughty Girls Need Love Too" -Samantha Fox
"Temptation" -Corina

And it isn't a sex playlist without some MICHAEL BOLTON

He makes, literally, the best music of all time and I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG. I am not kidding in any way. I FUCKING love this song. A lot. So much. And Bolton. I love him. LOVE HIM!

This transitions us perfectly into the romance of it all: "Freak Me Baby" -Silk and it only gets sexier from here.

"Making Love Out of Nothing At All" -Air Supply and "When I See You Smile" from Bad English are REALLY fabulous slow bang songs.

You can get them here: and here because you NEED them.

Last, of course, to really seal the deal with this dude or lady falling for you is


That bitch will be all up on your junk if you play them this song. Bitches love this song.
Maybe I just love this song...

I really ought to have been alive in the 80's so these would be poignant and useful for getting laid.
Turns out dudes these days aren't super impressed when you know all the words to Michael Bolton songs...tragic really.

So I really recommend you use this playlist to help you get laid and loved.

It's foolproof.

Supplemental songs include "When 2 Become 1" from the Spice Girls, "I Melt With You" by Modern English, "Everything I Do, I Do It For You" by Brian Adams, and "Time, Love, and Tenderness" from the unconquerable Michael Bolton.

Moral of the story: You're welcome.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I Like When You Poke Me

There is a new(ish) frontier in flirting.
Not really new...

It started in 2004 and has been public since 2006, and is the most popular social networking sight on the interwebs.

No one will be surprised by this, but it is Facebook.

Everyone and their mom has a facebook these days. And everyone and their mom is using it to flirt with people who they wanna see naked. 

I doubt that it is an outlandish statement to anyone, but it still catches me off guard when it happens to me. I often feel like the only people who use facebook for flirting are either 13-year-olds who don't know any better, 45-year-olds who don't understand texting, and people without any shame or who haven't realized that everyone can see when they post "watup sexxxi?" to someone's wall.

Other indicators include: 
When someone randomly "likes" a picture of you...especially if it is a picture that has been sitting around your profile for 6 months or 3 years. 
Or when they start a "poke war" with you and include little comments like " ; ) " or " ; P " or "lol."
I understand that poke wars can occur between siblings and friends too, but when you're just hanging around and someone pokes you...that isn't a great sign about their chaste intentions.

Doesn't that just look like an invitation to imagine someone naked?

Facebook has created more than just a new flirting opportunity, it has also opened up a world of stalking.
In the past, a stalker was someone who followed you around and took creepy pictures through the bushes of you drinking coffee or getting in and out of taxis. Now it seems that a stalker can do just as much following and being creepy from their couch. They can check your facebook to see who you are with and where, and to download new photos of you in your bathing suit, they can check your twitter to learn your feelings about the new Transformers movie, and they can check your Pinterest page (that's a thing, right?) to see what you like.

It's SO easy to be creepy now, and I don't know what to do about it.

You meet someone at a party, learn at leas their first name, and start searching through the host's facebook  friends to find them. Then you click 8 different profiles before finding the one that matches the person you met. You search around their photos and mutual friends (less than 3, it'll be weird to add them, more than 15 and you're golden, FYI) and then decide what to do about it. Send a cheeky message? Just add them as a friend? WHAT TO DO?

General (personal) guideline: wait until the second or third meeting (especially until they have given you their last name or phone number) before finding them on facebook. Otherwise you might seem over eager. 

Personally, if I'm going to flirt with someone not face to face, it's going to be over text, not facebook. Or maybe I'll do it through emails... or telegraph messages...or maybe smoke signals but that requires me to leave the couch.

Moral of the story: Whatever way you wanna make overtures, make sure you end up giving 'em a good "poke." Get it? Get it?

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Skanky Club Sex

As you well know, I recently took a grad trip/spring break to Vegas, the motherland for badass beautiful ladies like myself.

We DROVE down there, which was fun but also took 20 hours and I wanted to die.
The main problem we faced was that this is approximately what the drive looked like:

Beautiful, endless, shrub desert of boringness and mostly in the dark, so even worse.
20 hours later, and LOTS of pee breaks, we arrived.
We stayed in the Luxor:

And that was delightful. We were right behind the sphynx!

So here is the main point of the post: one night we went to the club inside the Luxor, LAX.
It was a lot of fun, because, pro-tip, as a lady in Vegas you don't need to pay cover to get in to clubs and you often don't have to pay for drinks. If you wander around during the day bouncer/club promoter guys will approach you and offer you these wrist band things that get you in ahead of the line and for free and usually come with a "all you can drink vodka drinks until midnight or 1" deal.

Awesome, right?
There we are, on the dance floor, bobbing along to Ke$ha, and we glance up.
Now, in LAX, there is a balcony that hangs halfway over the dance floor so that people who pay a lot of money can dance up there above all us cheap plebeians.

Above us we see two people dancing. Sure, nothing normal about that...oh wait...her dress is hiked up above her hips. Maybe one of her friends should tell her, she probably doesn't know...oh wait...the dude she is dancing with is doing that intentionally and she is obviously in to it.
Now he is dipping a little too low for just normal grinding...
Now she is putting her leg up on to part of the railing and...
Did she just reach between her legs to adjust something...
Are they...

Yes, indeed, they are having sex.

She is waving at the crowd as we all stare up in horror and shock, and keeps reaching down to push "it" back in and OH  MY GOD THEY ARE NOT DOING IT AT AN ANGLE THAT WOULD WORK FOR VAGINAL INTERCOURSE

Abort mission.
Abort Vegas.
What the what the what?

I am not exaggerating. Butt sex. Balcony. Over a dance floor. Waving. Skanky.

How do you do that?
What the hell is wrong with your friends that they said, "Oh, Jessica is doing it with a dude up against the balcony right now, rock on."
How does that reflect on you? Or your parents?
I understand making out and heavy petting and even bathroom sex, but...that's a real stretch.

Needless to say it was the highlight/low light of the trip.

Moral of the story: At least you won't have to worry about getting pregnant?

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Call me Mary, B.A.

Today is the day I graduate from college. As you read (if you are reading it on Saturday the 17th of March 2012 between the hours of 10am and 11.30am PST) I am sitting in my commencement ceremony about to receive my Bachelor's degree.
Not even bachelor, like, single guy, but bachelor

So I thought I'd take this opportunity to recap my college experience:

Classes, drinking, bros, Italy, blogs, Mexico, more drinking, pizza, roadtrips, papers, being dorky in the library, sandwiches, Vegas.


College has been pretty great, and I think everyone can agree that it is a great time. It's also an opportunity to mature and figure out, hopefully, where you're headed in life. Not everyone goes to school for what they end up doing, and no everyone ends up doing what they went to school for.

I think what's most important is that you have a goal or dream or destination, and you put yourself in line to get there.

Also important, for everyone to note, is that today is also St. Patrick's Day.


I hope you do like I do: drink a little too much, see some good friends, and feel like a god damn winner.

Moral of the story: I'm an adult does that mean I have to wear pants?

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I'm Not Your Babe, Darling

Pet names are a corner stone of public couple interactions. Some of them are very cute, and some of them are really dumb and annoying.

I found this list which somehow contains 101 "fun, romantic" pet names for your boyf/girlf.

It also happens to contain about 93 stupid and cliched pet names too.

We're going to discuss my least favorite and preferred pet names.

So my list of least favorite pet names starts with

"Sugar Daddy/Sugar Momma" - This just seems to reduce your relationship to materialism and money. Perhaps it is just because I associate these pet names with gold diggers and cougar hunters, and people who are in relationships solely to get gifts and perks out of it. Shallow.

"Baby/Babe" - I know these are some of the most common pet names, but they just aren't my favorite. Probably because, with most couples, you always hear "Oh babe, I love you babe, you're the best babe, oh baby!" Boring sauce. Also, do you want to associate the person you're boning with this?
I thought not.

"Object of my affection" - I think that calling your significant other an object isn't the best idea. Maybe. Why not call them...literally anything else?

I obviously don't disagree with anyone's right to call their bonage buddy whatever they want, some people prefer Baby or Stud Muffin or things I find stupid. That's okay. But I know that there are a lot of people preparing to woo me, and they should just know, ahead of time, what to call me and what not to call me.

I tend to prefer pet names like "Darling," or "Sweetheart," or "Honey." I appreciate sweet themed things, because you are literally "sweet" on someone, so calling them "honey" or "sugar" or whatever and that is cute to me. Also, "Darling" sounds classy and adorable.

Also acceptable are marine life themed pet names!

If you are dating a woman, I suggest
Sperm whale
Gulper Eel
Angel Fish

For a man I might recommend
MAN-ta Ray
Sperm whale (it's unisex, that's U 'n' I sex!)

Moral of the story: pet names are not just for pets.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Your First Line of Defense

There are a lot of things I'm good, well, there are a few things I'm good at, okay, there is at least one thing I am good at.

That thing is called "bitch face."

Bitch Face is when your face makes you seem like you're a bitch, but not just that, it makes the opposite sex not want to approach you in any way at all ever.

You don't just seem like a bitch, because some dudes are in to that, no, you're giving off this vibe like "If you talk to me I will introduce your face to my fist, and they will not get along well."

It is a well documented thing, and here are some examples:

Posh goes more for the "What the fuck are you doing, bitch?" Bitch Face. This one is most useful if you are already being approached by a guy or talked to and you don't want to find the words to make him go away.

This girl just has constant Bitch Face on this show, and maybe in real life too, and this is a great example of it. Straight mouth, no hint of a smile, tense jaw, and very slightly furrowed brow to imply that their very presence on this earth is an unending nuisance to you.

Selma's is showing us the classes drunk Bitch Face. You're a little frazzled at the end of the night and you end up just staring blankly and kind of sneering at the person. Then you leave.

Bitch Face can come about in one of several ways; some people are born with it, and their neutral face is bitchy looking. Where some people always smile or always look sad, some people just look bitchy. Some people can acquired the Bitch Face through years of practice, if they're lucky and study under a master. Some people get that way when they've been drinking, or under special circumstances, but it isn't their natural face.

Bitch Face has a lot of practical uses too: it helps keep gross bar fly boys at bay, it helps you get across campus quickly, it helps to keep people from asking you for help all the stupid time, it means you get left alone.

It can also be a curse since that means no one really wants to approach you. So when you do see a guy you want to have hit on you, pull out your best smile.
 Then you'll really dazzle them.

It can happen though, that if you have Bitch Face you end up standing around while your friends get hit on or danced with, and you just get annoyed and your Bitch Face gets more dramatic so people are even less inclined to approach you. Vicious cycle, guys.

Moral of the story: Bitch Face works...maybe too much.