My Ideal Man

I know that everyone has been waiting patiently (and yet eagerly) for me to blog about the qualities I look for in a man.

It is your lucky day!

I'll begin with an aside, though, to set you up for the potentially surprising list ahead (especially if you don't know me super well).

A long time ago Alison and I were mulling over our Lists of 5.
What is that, you might ask?
Oh, I'll tell you.
It's that thing where you choose 5 celebrities you'd get to bone if you had the chance, no matter what level of relationship you're in.
Alison's was pretty standard if I recall correctly: James Roday, Zac Efron, James Marsden...the expected level of hotness in a celebrity wish list.

Here is my list:
1. Jason Segel
2. Seth Rogan
3. Jonah Hill
4. Nathan Fillion
5. Andy Samberg

Did you spot any sort of pattern?
Here, I'll help.

See it now?

Good.

I couldn't find a picture of these three plus Samberg but Google images that bitch and you'll see it holds true.

Nathan Fillion is a bit of an outlier and he is on this list for two very VERY good reasons: Captain Malcolm Reynolds and Captain Hammer. 

As I mentioned before, in my dreams I am married to Jason Segel, and this especially comes in handy when I have to lie about being married in order to stop some random dude from hitting on me.
Señor Segel is a VERY high scorer in the following categories.

Here are three of the main traits I appreciate most in a man friend:

MUST be between 6'2" and 6'5" tall. While he can be between 6' and 6'2" it's just slightly too short and if he is over 6'6" then he is going to be more than a foot taller than me and that would just look silly (for those keeping score at home, Jason measures in at 6'4"). Though...the taller a boy is the farther away his face is, so it matters less and less whether or not he is good looking...I'm going to keep that in mind. It might come in handy some day...

Really OUGHT to be artistic in some way. If he wants to make music, that's great or if he can write, then that's great too. If he paints or sings or acts I'm fine with that. So long as he is passionate about it and willing to share (in related news Jason is a writer, actor, and a musician so...chalk that up to a win).

A boy who can make me laugh is going to rank WAY higher than a guy with six pack abs (though I like when boys are slightly pudgier so that isn't a great comparison). If he is funny and nice and witty, that's going to be a lot more impressive than a Mustang or a Rolex or a fly booty (I don't even need to remind you about how perfectly Mr. Segel fits this criteria...including the fly booty part).

SEE! All three of those are things I really enjoy in boys, and they're all things that Jason is! IT IS PERFECT!

Moral of the story: If I don't reign it in I'm going to cross over into the creep stalker zone of fans...

Bringin' It Back

I've spent the past week at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland, Oregon.

Hold your applause.

This is a family thing that we do every year, to come and see 7 plays in 4 days (or 6 in 3, or 8 in 4 or whatever combination we can work out). Usually we have 4 Shakespeare plays and 3ish other works of theatrical mastery. Impressive, no?
Shakespeare wrote some pretty awesome plays.
Othello, Macbeth, King Lear, Hamlet, and that one about impulsive idiots who fall in 'love' and kill themselves
All great works!
He spent a lot of his time coming up with and using fun words.

Many of these were fun words for 'a whore.'

Being here in Ashland, watching 10 or 12 hours worth of actors yelling at each other in Elizabethan English reminds me that these words tend to be AWESOME.
And I am bringin' them back into the vernacular!

So here we go:

Strumpet! (I always think of the word 'trumpet' when I hear this...I guess they're both things that are easily bought, make loud noises, and can be full of other people's spit if you aren't careful)
Jezebel!
Fornicatress!

Fuzzy, Cute, and Slutty

Shrew!                      Apparently this thing is also a shrew ---->
Tart! (not just a dessert anymore, it's now also a thing to call a slutty woman)
Harlot!
Tramp! (also a delightful Disney character)
Wench! (no, not a wrench, a wench)
Hussy!
Jade!

Now when you need to tell a woman that she is a skanky, no good, slutty, whore muffin, you can call her one of these words instead.

Moral of the story: Being a dork can come in handy when insulting the easier members of my gender.

Mouth Babies

In my list of favorite things "making out" holds steady at 3, below 80's music and above morning-after pizza. Kissing is awesome! It's inappropriate in 7/10 settings (the only appropriate ones being clubs, private residences, and IHOP at 3am while waiting for your pancakes) but somehow people end up making out goddamn everywhere. Stairwell of my dorm freshmen year? Make outs. Before, during, and after finals? Make outs. British Parliament? Make outs. Goddamn constantly.

I've seen a LOT of people make out.

I've also made out with a lot of people...woo boy...I just tried to calculate that number and I managed to count back through freshman year of college, but then I ran out of fingers and toes to keep track on and aborted mission. Sidenote: how do I not have mono yet?

Awkward Kissing is Awkward!

But anyways, I have seen and experienced some TERRIBLE make outs.

<---- like this one

Just...look at it. Their mouths are in totally different places, he is obviously into dudes, and they look horribly uncomfortable together.
Yikes.
As another sidenote, I'm hoping this was their wedding announcement because that would be the perfect way to tell everyone about how you're spending 20,000 dollars so you can get a crazy divorce in 18 months when you realize how HORRIBLY UNPLEASANT it is to kiss...or...try to kiss because this hardly counts as successful.

Back on topic! I'm going to describe some of the worst make outs I've had and the things that made them so bad.

I already described the time that a make out lead to three straight days of annoyingness. At that point the make out wasn't bad, it just had a terrible outcome.
Here is an actual time that the make out was terrible!
The Switcher:
It was under a balcony, so obviously this is going great places, and we were both fairly drunk and I did not have my wing man with me (Alison, you suck). He was WAY too enthusiastic about it and kept moving his head from right to left to right to left and back and forth and holy crap stop moving. Switching angles is good, and great, in moderation. If you move your head more than you make tongue contact, you're doing something wrong. He topped the crappy make out pile by breathlessly whispering "You're a way better kisser than my girlfriend."
Yes.
Yes I am.
But also, what? I'm a bitch but I'm not 'the other woman' level of bitch. I hope...

Tongue Cthulu
We've all had this. It's pretty gross. Your lips touch, that cool, then someone's tongue gets involved. Then suddenly they're using their tongue to check the filling you got in your back molars. Too deep! Too deep! (that's what she said) And even if it isn't like deep throating a tongue, it's still pressing and flopping and sloppy and all you can do is open your mouth and try to not bite down out of instinct and hope for a moment of respite while they stop to breath...maybe. Piece of advice: keep your tongue in check, it should not be a wrestling match.

Teeth!
This happened recently, actually, and I had never experienced this before. Teeth. So much teeth. He hadn't made out with a ton of people, so I imagine this is a pretty rookie move, but he applied a lot of force and was not conscious of his teeth. I usually keep mine out of the way, obviously, because they have minimal to no place in kissing, but his were just...everywhere...more than his lips, I think. Plus it was like he was trying to give me mouth-to-mouth and forcing his face on mine. It kinda of hurt.
You should never hurt the person you're kissing (that's also an excellent anti-domestic violence slogan, in case anyone needed one).

Those are the three really terrible faux-pas that I have experienced/feel like telling you about. There are others, and there are worse ones (smoker's breath, anyone?), but these are the three I had stories for.

 Moral of the story: I'd rather have the chocolate kind of kiss than any of these.

Tallywackers

This may come as kind of a surprise to you guys, but dicks are SO weird.
Seriously, have you ever really looked at one?-especially the flaccid ones. It's like when someone is born with an extra finger except it has not bones and it's just there being weird and making for uncomfortable conversation.
Eeew.
Testicles are super gross too. Wrinkly, floppy, ugly...and WAAAAAAY too sensitive. You can't go near them without potentially ruining everything. One wrong move and he is dry heaving in the corner, crying, and you're just confused and weirded out.
You know what makes the whole situation even worse?
Pubic hair.
Fuck pubic hair.
Ever had one stuck in your teeth? Gross. Horrifying. If that shit isn't kept in check it's like a weird, scratchy forest. I do, however, appreciate the recent recognition that men also have to keep it tidy and trimmed. Up until a couple years ago guys didn't really make that connection and while girls were expected to fuckin' shave patterns into theirs, guys didn't have to reciprocate. Thank god that has changed.

To illustrate just how weird dongs are, I'm going to tell a story:

I one knew a girl who never got nooky. At a party one night, after a 3 year dry spell (or some horrendous long time) a boy was drunk enough that he wanted to hook up with her. She was convinced to at least give him head. Then she did. Half way through, she puked on him.
YEAH.
She puked on him.
Now, it might have been her drunkness, or it might have been a gag reflex, but until I know different I am going to assume it was because of how horrible weird schlongs are and if you aren't around them fairly often it can become traumatizing to get your face that close to one, especially without any sort of warm up activity (like watching SAW are something, ya' know...so you're prepared for the horror).

I'm not saying I don't like man bits, obviously that isn't the case. And I'm not saying that a lady's love nest is a work of art (oh GOD no), and I'm not saying there aren't some really handsome trouser snakes out there, but I am saying that, no matter how much you dress it up, cocks are really weird.

Moral of the story: Who thought those were a good idea?