Mouth Babies

In my list of favorite things "making out" holds steady at 3, below 80's music and above morning-after pizza. Kissing is awesome! It's inappropriate in 7/10 settings (the only appropriate ones being clubs, private residences, and IHOP at 3am while waiting for your pancakes) but somehow people end up making out goddamn everywhere. Stairwell of my dorm freshmen year? Make outs. Before, during, and after finals? Make outs. British Parliament? Make outs. Goddamn constantly.

I've seen a LOT of people make out.

I've also made out with a lot of people...woo boy...I just tried to calculate that number and I managed to count back through freshman year of college, but then I ran out of fingers and toes to keep track on and aborted mission. Sidenote: how do I not have mono yet?

Awkward Kissing is Awkward!

But anyways, I have seen and experienced some TERRIBLE make outs.

<---- like this one

Just...look at it. Their mouths are in totally different places, he is obviously into dudes, and they look horribly uncomfortable together.
Yikes.
As another sidenote, I'm hoping this was their wedding announcement because that would be the perfect way to tell everyone about how you're spending 20,000 dollars so you can get a crazy divorce in 18 months when you realize how HORRIBLY UNPLEASANT it is to kiss...or...try to kiss because this hardly counts as successful.

Back on topic! I'm going to describe some of the worst make outs I've had and the things that made them so bad.

I already described the time that a make out lead to three straight days of annoyingness. At that point the make out wasn't bad, it just had a terrible outcome.
Here is an actual time that the make out was terrible!
The Switcher:
It was under a balcony, so obviously this is going great places, and we were both fairly drunk and I did not have my wing man with me (Alison, you suck). He was WAY too enthusiastic about it and kept moving his head from right to left to right to left and back and forth and holy crap stop moving. Switching angles is good, and great, in moderation. If you move your head more than you make tongue contact, you're doing something wrong. He topped the crappy make out pile by breathlessly whispering "You're a way better kisser than my girlfriend."
Yes.
Yes I am.
But also, what? I'm a bitch but I'm not 'the other woman' level of bitch. I hope...

Tongue Cthulu
We've all had this. It's pretty gross. Your lips touch, that cool, then someone's tongue gets involved. Then suddenly they're using their tongue to check the filling you got in your back molars. Too deep! Too deep! (that's what she said) And even if it isn't like deep throating a tongue, it's still pressing and flopping and sloppy and all you can do is open your mouth and try to not bite down out of instinct and hope for a moment of respite while they stop to breath...maybe. Piece of advice: keep your tongue in check, it should not be a wrestling match.

Teeth!
This happened recently, actually, and I had never experienced this before. Teeth. So much teeth. He hadn't made out with a ton of people, so I imagine this is a pretty rookie move, but he applied a lot of force and was not conscious of his teeth. I usually keep mine out of the way, obviously, because they have minimal to no place in kissing, but his were just...everywhere...more than his lips, I think. Plus it was like he was trying to give me mouth-to-mouth and forcing his face on mine. It kinda of hurt.
You should never hurt the person you're kissing (that's also an excellent anti-domestic violence slogan, in case anyone needed one).

Those are the three really terrible faux-pas that I have experienced/feel like telling you about. There are others, and there are worse ones (smoker's breath, anyone?), but these are the three I had stories for.

 Moral of the story: I'd rather have the chocolate kind of kiss than any of these.