The Dangers of Edible Underthings

We one time talked about eating in bed and it was a great discussion. Combining sex and food is a tradition that dates back to the earliest civilizations that had any sort of surplus and sex drive. It is an ancient and respectable tradition.
But that only applies to tappin' that ass and eating a sandwich at the same time.
It is neither ancient nor respectable to involve candy underthings in your love making.

The most popular sort of candy undergarments are made from those little round things that you get on necklaces and bracelets as a kid and then you try to eat them and all you do is gnaw on them hopelessly in an attempt to get a sugar rush. Plus, at a certain point you have candy dust all over you and a loose, soggy piece of elastic-y string around your neck.

 Yeah. They were great that first time in fifth grade but they've sucked ever since then.
And because they suck so bad, someone thought it was a good idea to turn them into underwearable.

The candy bra:

It looks like something I'd see in a warehouse at 3 am on a sad, confused fourteen-year-old girl in the middle of a sweaty, flailing, Ecstasy-fueled mob. She is also wearing bright orange converse shoes, tights (probably neon), has neon colored hair and her arms are covered in those "candies" bracelets which are actually just beads that spell out PLUR and their rave name...like TeknoLihtz or CandiiHart or RayvorzRStoopidd. Because they are.
So anyways, if I ever saw someone wearing this and saying "oooh baby, if you wanna see me naked, you're going to work for it!"
You mean I'm going to have to risk diabetes for something I can already see through the lines of candy?
Wonderful.
Also, this candy sucks and is not something I want to eat 2 boobs worth of.

The Candy Thong

As with all underpants: I do not want to touch them unless they are a) mine or 2) freshly laundered.
I can promise that this piece of edible naughtiness will never be either of those things.

There are a lot of problems with this thing, and not the least of which is comfort.
Tiny candy pieces rolling around between your ass cheeks? That's not fun, playful, or sexy. That's weird.
Also, you're still going to ask the other person to eat it, and unless it was JUST put on, this would be unspeakably gross to eat or put your face near. The dye from the candies would rub off on you, then you'd get candy dust all over everything and those sharp shards of candy as you crack some of them off...and then you'd have to be near the candies that were between the ass cheeks in the thong string.

No.
Not even if the alternative was to die by Cthulu.
No.

Moral of the story: Candy is dandy, but not when it's in your ass.