What Would Your Mother Say?

Halloween brings out the whores.
It's a common thing.
I certainly won't judge you...
No...no, wait...I will. I will judge you. SO HARD.

I know that Halloween is, at first, a thinly veiled excuse for fat kids to indulge themselves and for all other children to wander around unaccompanied at night, and then, as we get older, it becomes an excuse for our private parts to be thinly veiled. See what I did there?

So today, in honor of this delightful excuse for partying and nudity, I will bring you in on my Halloween plans.

FIRST since Halloween is a Monday, we are required by law to go out both that night AND the nearest Friday and Saturday (we go out every Friday and Saturday, but we'll be in costume for these ones so it is special).

All three nights will be like Christmas for us, no, not for the night itself but for the presents that the morning will bring.

Allow me to explain.
My dear bro Alison lives along a street called Indian. Her abode lies between campus (where the freshmen live in their dorms) and the area of our city most densely populated by college kids who host parties.
Can you see where this is going?

We will be involved in the greatest tradition known to man:
THE POST HALLOWEEN WALK OF SHAME JUDGES PANEL

Oh yes.

We will have lawn chairs.
We will have score cards.
We will have bottles of champagne with some orange juice inside so they technically count as mimosas and we don't have to worry about the implications of drinking the whole bottle at 8am.

Imagine it, readers.
I'll give you a preview of the morning so you can enjoy my bitchiness without actually having to be near me.

 

What? No. What? Whhhhaaaa?

Please leave me alone, weird girl who happens to have a nice body but has no social skills at all. That anime themed Halloween party you went to does not count as fun. It counts as weird. Please tell me you didn't own that hat BEFORE this holiday, because I have a sneaking suspicion you did.

3/10

You scare me.

Aww, sexy cowgirl. She's probably never been around an animal bigger than a labradoodle but man does she think she looks cute in cowboy boots. She is trying to get back to campus before the dining hall opens up and people are awake to see her. Probably she slept with some really gross guy last night, probably the first guy to call her sexy and offer her a Natty Ice. Poor thing.
6/10

Sexy cop...you are not original. When I see you walk past, my initial reaction is to roll my eyes.
This girl is freezing cold (because it is Washington, in late Autumn, in the early morning),  and she didn't think to bring a jacket or change of clothes. Do you know why? She "totally didn't plan to stay there" but her friends got too drunk and left her at a party because she was too drunk to walk and puked in someone's dishwasher. Probably she can't really walk because she slept half on a coffee table, half on the floor and lost a shoe.
Her pain makes me laugh even though her costume is boring.
7.5/10

Congrats on those boobs, by the way, those are RIDICULOUS.

I have no comments. No matter what happened to her the previous night, even if she just fell asleep at a friend's house and isn't too hung over, seeing that costume walking around in the light of day? Priceless.

10/10

SEE?
This is fun. Try it sometime.

Moral of the story: Halloween is the most best holiday