Double Theory Day

Last week I was lazy, so I didn't do anything.
As an apology (and to make it up to you), I shall now present not one but TWO theories I have.

I am a great theorist.
So now you will be smarter if you read these and agree that they are right.

First:
The Horizontal Tango Theory

You have all danced, I assume.
So you all know how closely dancing is related to doin' it.
Case and point?
This whole movie (aka my 4th favorite movie of all time):




It's super low quality but that's what you get for associating with YouTube clips of movies.


Anyways, see how they start out dancing and immediately transition to boning?

So that part of the theory is proven.

But here is the rest of my theory, and pay attention because you might want to start tap lessons after this.

I believe that there is a correlation between your skills on the dance floor and your skills in the dark.
Here is an approximate graph.

Now, I made this myself, and I am terrible at math so bear with me while I explain it.
If you are bad at dancing you probably don't follow rhythm real well, can't adapt to a new beat or situation, and don't have one or two stand by moves that get the job done.
Those are three things that are super important to bed sheet shenanigans.
If you can just follow the beat you're half way there.
Then, being able to switch it up and follow the lead of your partner is important. If you can't adapt you get that awful thing where you're both doing different things and that gets really weird really quick.
Last, everyone has one or two things they do that they KNOW they're good at. Positions or acts or just a move that you do that people like. It gets a good response from the crowd, so to speak. If you have that when you dance, you'll never fail. Also, when you bone.

Now, we all see the drop off at the far end of the graph, right?
This is a phenomena known as The Douchey Too Good at Dancing Drop.
Where someone thinks they know how to do everything, and potentially do, but it is scary and you have no idea how to react to their moves.
This happens to me at Rumors all the time. There is a guy who is a very good dancer, and moves as if he is choreographed, but for any one even slightly below that level...how the hell do you react to that? You just move and flail and hope you don't get smacked in the eye by any flailing limbs.
If you are on the same extremely high level, then good, but if not...sex is awful when you can't possibly keep up.

So now you know. Good dancer = good doer

SECOND THEORY!

The Gay Eyes Postulation

I live in a city with many gay men.
I love it.

But occasionally there is a man where you can't quite tell whether he likes tacos or bratwurst for dinner.

So here is how I solve the problem!

It is called Gay Eyes!
Most gay men have a certain shape to their eyes, and I'm not even making this up, but it tends to be slanted and more feminine than straight dude eyes.
Check it:

 

Beautiful!

 

Seeing it straight on helps, right?

 

So there is a shape, at least to these three, and it is a pattern I stand by.

While I don't recommend google-ing "gay eyes" (it gets some weird...not related stuff), if you notice the eye shape of almost any gay man, you'll see that it holds true.

I admit that not every gay male has gay eyes, and not every man with gay eyes is gay, I think that the majority of the time it works. 

It is an easy, instant way to check if you should hit on someone or not.

I use it everyday.

Moral of the story: I'm an asshole and like to make up theories about stuff. Hazah!