Definitions: Words, Words, Words

I like teaching you guys things...mostly it is because of how much I know and how much you don't. I like doing service work and I'm going to forge some paperwork to see if educating you lot counts. It is going to involve some forged signatures and some bribery but those are both well within my range.

This blog post will count towards that! I'm filing it under "helpin' dummies learn stuff.'

As a girl who is often in bars, I often run the risk of encountering today's phenomenon. It's the bane of a woman's existence, and man's, I suppose, since it more instantly embarrasses and effects them. The problem is that it is an extremely annoying and lame thing, but people are using the name to describe the exact opposite and it is VERY unsettling for someone to do that. It is weird.

The thing of which I speak, of course, is: WHISKEY DICK

Those of you who aren't dumb will know that this is what happens when a lad drinks too much (of any booze-product, not just whiskey) and can't get it up. This is a crisis if, like me, half the fun in your life is picking up way-too-drunk dudes just for fun.
I'm like a wolf with a pack of sheep, of course I can kill the biggest, strongest one, but it is easier and more fun to go for the weak one struggling along at the back of the flock trying to eat a stick.
So you can sympathize with me when I reached bar age and started seriously encountering the problem of those weak, dumb little sheep I like being so drunk they can't actually provide the only service I could ever possibly want from them (Obviously I'd never try to hold conversation with one).

Here is the issue: Apparently this fake-and-baked hamster-lizard hybrid has a different definition for the term. She claims that Whiskey Dick is when a guy is super drunk and, instead of it not working at all, it works too well and you get to have sex for hours.
That is the more enjoyable definition, obviously, but that isn't what Whiskey Dick is. That is a man doing his job, goddammit.

You can see how this is a problem in the world.



Recently a friend was recounting the story of her one night stand.
"We got back to my house and he totally got Whiskey Dick."
"Oh, that sucks," I respond, trying to be sympathetic but secretly being like, "Duh! He came back to a stranger's house, so he's either dumb or he never saw The Berenstain Bears 'Don't Talk To Strangers' and Whiskey Dick is what happens when you make poor choices."
"What? No, it was awesome." She said.
What the what?
"Whiskey Dick is when they're hard for hours," she slowly explained.
"No..." I was very confused, "It is not."
"Well, Snooki said it was..."
And then I had a rage-blackout and I don't know what happened but I woke up with fake-tanner and blood on my hands...so we'll see how that turns out. It also inspired me to write this post.

I also had a brief moment of feminism (it struck in the time between wanting a pancake and realizing it takes too much effort to make your own) and decided to create the female version of Whiskey Dick. It's not as obvious, and the symptoms are different, but the point is the same: you're too drunk to bang.

For girls, the symptoms include: being at that point when you are too drunk to give consent, not being able to handle a wang properly (not even like your fourteen, have never seen one in real life, and don't quite know what to do, but the point where you are so drunk you honestly try this sort of thing), and where you can't do your part in the doinking process...you just lie there like you don't know it is happening.
BOO.
We came up with a name for it too!
Vodka Vag
So now you don't have to refer to it by some long winded description/explanation and can just drop some word-gold on people like bombs on London during a Blitzkrieg. Boom.


Moral of the story: Whiskey Dick is the opposite of awesome: just like Snooki.

How To: 3

Transitioning!

Starting a relationship can be tricky. It can be hard to know or notice when you cross the line from friends to...more than friends Also what do you call the middle ground? It's that point where you hang out all the time and like each other and (potentially) have kissed or slept together but you just don't know if you're dating or sleeping together or if you're actually still just friends. You know how YOU feel but have no idea where the other person is coming from or where they want to go.
Very tricky.
I'm going to call it: Frating.
Yeah, you read me: Frating. Friends/Dating. Frating. For the in-between times!
But also it sucks.
If you don't move quickly and decisively you could end up in the friend zone. We've all heard about it and I'm sure some of you have been in it.

Critical situation, guys, because the friend zone is where love and opportunity go to die.

It's like falling off a cliff or into a Sarlacc Pit; you can climb out but unless you have Han Solo on your side it's unlikely and nearly impossible.

Falling to the friend zone usually (and painfully) occurs when two people are super close and have having one-sided (or mutual) feelings but ignore it and continue along just hoping the other does something about it, but neither does anything...so they end up hurt and feeling rejected. Then someone moves on and it sucks EVEN more.
It is very east to end up here. VERY EASY. People, especially girls, like to wait for someone else to do everything, especially when it comes to romance. It's the knight in shining armor syndrome.
Stupid whores.

Before we get too worried about the friend zone, let's get back on track and discuss frating and how to move out of it and into an actual stage of a relationship.
People are always coming to me and asking for transition advice. Here are some examples and let's see if you can find the pattern:
1) A Girl and a Boy hang out almost every day of the week and text all the time and he really likes her and then they make out one day. He comes to me and asks "What do I do?"
Do you want to date her?
Do you want to just be friends?
Tell her.

2) A Girl and a Boy chat sometimes, but not too much, and then sleep together. They are friendly but not really friends and neither has any real interest in dating or even being friends with benefits, but they both think the other really wants a repeat or a relationship. What do they do?
Tell each other what you want.

3) A Girl and a Boy both really like each other and they're oh-so-scared of risking their friendship but-
OH MY GOD, do you not see the pattern yet?

Tell them.
Transitioning is just like a hostage situation: you don't just fuck around and hope someone sends you two million dollars. You have to make your demands known.

Once upon a time I claimed that relationships are like bank heists, but now my theory is more fully fledged. Transitioning, relationships, bank heists, hostage situations...they all need the same basic thing to function. Communication!

I know it's hard (yeah I did) and it can get awkward, but an uncomfortable ten minutes is better than two horrible weeks (or more).  I'd love to be able to tell you it always works out...but it doesn't. Sometimes you want to date someone and they just want to be friends and that sucks. Sometimes someone wants to be your nighttime friend and all you wanna do is watch movies together.
Awkward.
BUT way better to talk about it than to just sit around moping and hoping.

Moral of the story: Talk about it...or else you end up being digested for a 1000 years.

Booty

I have a very nice butt.

There. Now you know.

This Is Really Weird Guys

I just switched to a new phone.
By that I mean I switched BACK to the phone I had at this time last year. Literally the same exact phone. I had a free upgrade and so I used it but it got me the shittiest phone possible. It was easily broken, it had a 48 hours battery life, it was ugly...the only good thing was the conversation-style texting.
So, after suffering it for...six or seven months (including the four I spent in Italy not using it, keep that in mind) I said fuck it and went back to my old phone.

Since the change I have had a strange series of text messages.

Day two of new/old phone:
At midnight on a Wednesday I received a text message saying "Hey, what's up. Long time no talk"

It wasn't a number in my phone, so I asked who it was...answer: a guy I used to hook up with during the spring of freshman year. A guy I hadn't talked to since then. A guy who doesn't go to my school. A guy who does go to school in Tacoma, where I was at the time.
WHHHHAAAAT?
He was a tool though, so it didn't bother me. It was extremely weird timing, since it was the first time I was in the area for longer than 2 days. Also, he said "we should kick it" and that's weird. No one says that, and also he's a douche. Obviously I said no, fuck off (you don't think I'm that easy, do you?).

Day six(ish):
"What up wheat bread?"
Wait...what?
Alison and I were at the zoo in Oakland, CA and watching a giraffe try to eat a palm tree when I got this text.
"Sorry, I don't have this number in my phone."
"Now you do."
NOT HELPFUL, JACKASS
I asked who they were and they responded, "White bread, duh."
Okay, thanks. I guess. I have never called anyone white bread and I have never been called wheat bread. In any situation, I think, there would be more occasion to call me white bread, considering how pale I am and my preference for, ya' know, white bread. It was awkward. Still don't know who that was.

Day eight(ish):
Received a text from a girl I went to high school with but hadn't spoken to in more than nine months. Still not sure what prompted that. She had no favor to ask, nor specific question. Very strange.

During spring break I also received two other surprising and surprisingly random texts.

One was asking for advice in a very awkward situation wherein a younger friend had two guys spending the night at her house and hooked up with one of them only to find out that the other liked her. Drama!
It was a very surprising text conversation, to say the least.

The other just said, "I had sex last night!"
It was from a friend with whom I chat openly about that sort of thing, so I suppose it wasn't an inappropriate message so much as a very surprising and random one. It was also deep in the pattern of random, out-of-place, unexpected texts so that added to the surprise.

Day...today:
Yet another guy who wants on my business sends me a text. He saw a really cute girl who reminds him of me (aww).

More delightful news!
Alison made the mistake of hooking up with what I am going to call a Hollaback Boy. A notorious bootycall enthusiast, if you will. He doesn't go here, but every time he is going to be in town he texts her to try and get together. I saw him at a New Year's party this year, and he texted her then but not since.
In a miraculous turn of events, just HOURS after she assured me that he was done with her and wouldn't contact her again...a drunk facebook chat. He wants to cook her dinner and visit this summer and hold her close and cuddle. D'aww.
That means he will soon text her, and the awkward texting curse brought on by this phone will continue! It's even spreading to other people!

So you see the pattern? Suddenly so much texting about boning! Next thing you know OE McTTM will text me again.

Moral of the story: I think my phone is sex-cursed...or sex-charmed...

True Love

Beauty and the Beast
Romeo and Juliet
Tristan and Isolde
Wesley and Buttercup
Jack and Rose

We can all agree that these are some of the greatest couples of all time, right?


WRONG

There is a significant pairing missing from this list.

Once upon a time, Alison and I used to have breakfast every weekday. We had a big break between classes, and I had a meal plan, and also we just love breakfast foods. We would sit and eat and make fun of people and it was super delightful.
Then it happened.
On some random day, with no real importance, we were shoveling bacon into our faces when some wonderful coincidence brought it close to us.
At a nearby table, eating a pancake and looking melancholy, was a person. Now, you should know that we often play a game called "Boy or Girl?" wherein we try and decide whether a person is a boy or a girl. Offensive, I know, but sometimes you just have to know.
This person was, without a doubt, one of the best examples we had seen yet.
Long hair, narrow build, SUPER tight pants, ambiguous accessories, awkward looking
This describes the person who would come to be called GirlBoy.
We eventually decided he was a boy, but he looked so like a girl that we wanted to honor his unknown origins. We chatted and laughed briefly and then let it be. We didn't assume we'd ever see him after that first morning.

BUT THEN
We saw him the next morning, and the next, and the next, and nearly every day for the rest of the quarter. That is when he earned the nickname, since we had to have a way to refer to him since we saw him all the time. Slowly it became obvious that he was to be Alison's one true love.
She would smile at the mere sight of him. Her heart fluttered. He would awkwardly look at us when she gasped super loudly, and think there was something wrong. 


After that quarter sightings dropped dramatically, since we no longer had a breakfast meeting. However, she would text me with great enthusiasm and delight whenever she saw him between classes.
"GIRLBOY" she would shout (via text) and we were always so hopeful that it would finally happen for them.


Alison imagined their life together: forever and ever in true love and happiness. They would get manicures together and facials. They could shop for pants in the same section of the Gap. They could give each other tips on styling their hair. 


It would be perfect.


We have been discussing possible names for him, and we want to go with something that is also ambiguous and could go either way.
We like Quinn. And Sam. And Alex. You know, things could go either way.
Someday we'll learn his real name.

Then they can be in love forever!
It'll happen, just wait and see.


Moral of the story: You can totally love someone without knowing them at all and it isn't weird or anything.

Definitions

Have you ever made out with someone?

Theoretically, if you're not super lame, you have. First you put your mouth on their mouth and then you mash your tongues together like flailing elephant seals and when you're done you fix your hair, walk out of the McDonald's walk-in freezer, and tell your friends about it.
When you do, what do you say?
"I totally just made out with this fine piece of ass, I think his name was Enrique or Solomon or some shit," and you high-five and move on.

Here is the key point: totally just MADE OUT with that fine piece of ass.
Sometimes, especially in my recent years, I have heard people say that they hooked up with that fine piece of ass.
Then I judge them because they boned in a walk-in freezer in a McDonald's. I voice these concerns because I'm pretty sure there are health codes about that kind of thing, and get reprimanded for assuming they boned when apparently they just kissed.

BUT YOU SAID YOU HOOKED UP.

When you hook up with someone, and when you say that you have hooked up with someone, it means you touched their wiener and saw them nakey and something has gone somewhere.
When all you do is make out, that's what you say. You don't say you hooked up because that makes me think something hilarious and inappropriate happened when all you did was kiss, and then I'm disappointed and confused. 

I guess for some people they think that making out is a subsection of hooking up and you can say the latter even if you only do the former. BUT you wouldn't say you made out when you actually had sex, because that's lying.

IT IS LYING, YOU ASSHOLES.

When you tell me that you hooked up but you only kissed it is lying, and that is rude and it ruins my life.

Example:
My friend says, "Did you hear that Alison hooked up with that guy Roland?"
I say, "REALLY? WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?"
The friend says, "Yeah, they totally made out at the party on Friday."
I respond, confused, "Wait, did they hook up or just make out?"
"They made out," and I am given an annoyed look.
"YOU FUCKING DICK."
I was so excited because I thought Alison made a hilarious and terrible decision that I could laugh at her about, but it turns out she only made a moderately bad choice that is less funny to mock her about. So you see?

Saying that you hooked up builds my hopes and dreams and then you dash them on the rocks of prudeness when it turns out you just kissed.

Moral of the story: Use phrases right, goddammit