Definitions: Words, Words, Words

I like teaching you guys things...mostly it is because of how much I know and how much you don't. I like doing service work and I'm going to forge some paperwork to see if educating you lot counts. It is going to involve some forged signatures and some bribery but those are both well within my range.

This blog post will count towards that! I'm filing it under "helpin' dummies learn stuff.'

As a girl who is often in bars, I often run the risk of encountering today's phenomenon. It's the bane of a woman's existence, and man's, I suppose, since it more instantly embarrasses and effects them. The problem is that it is an extremely annoying and lame thing, but people are using the name to describe the exact opposite and it is VERY unsettling for someone to do that. It is weird.

The thing of which I speak, of course, is: WHISKEY DICK

Those of you who aren't dumb will know that this is what happens when a lad drinks too much (of any booze-product, not just whiskey) and can't get it up. This is a crisis if, like me, half the fun in your life is picking up way-too-drunk dudes just for fun.
I'm like a wolf with a pack of sheep, of course I can kill the biggest, strongest one, but it is easier and more fun to go for the weak one struggling along at the back of the flock trying to eat a stick.
So you can sympathize with me when I reached bar age and started seriously encountering the problem of those weak, dumb little sheep I like being so drunk they can't actually provide the only service I could ever possibly want from them (Obviously I'd never try to hold conversation with one).

Here is the issue: Apparently this fake-and-baked hamster-lizard hybrid has a different definition for the term. She claims that Whiskey Dick is when a guy is super drunk and, instead of it not working at all, it works too well and you get to have sex for hours.
That is the more enjoyable definition, obviously, but that isn't what Whiskey Dick is. That is a man doing his job, goddammit.

You can see how this is a problem in the world.



Recently a friend was recounting the story of her one night stand.
"We got back to my house and he totally got Whiskey Dick."
"Oh, that sucks," I respond, trying to be sympathetic but secretly being like, "Duh! He came back to a stranger's house, so he's either dumb or he never saw The Berenstain Bears 'Don't Talk To Strangers' and Whiskey Dick is what happens when you make poor choices."
"What? No, it was awesome." She said.
What the what?
"Whiskey Dick is when they're hard for hours," she slowly explained.
"No..." I was very confused, "It is not."
"Well, Snooki said it was..."
And then I had a rage-blackout and I don't know what happened but I woke up with fake-tanner and blood on my hands...so we'll see how that turns out. It also inspired me to write this post.

I also had a brief moment of feminism (it struck in the time between wanting a pancake and realizing it takes too much effort to make your own) and decided to create the female version of Whiskey Dick. It's not as obvious, and the symptoms are different, but the point is the same: you're too drunk to bang.

For girls, the symptoms include: being at that point when you are too drunk to give consent, not being able to handle a wang properly (not even like your fourteen, have never seen one in real life, and don't quite know what to do, but the point where you are so drunk you honestly try this sort of thing), and where you can't do your part in the doinking process...you just lie there like you don't know it is happening.
BOO.
We came up with a name for it too!
Vodka Vag
So now you don't have to refer to it by some long winded description/explanation and can just drop some word-gold on people like bombs on London during a Blitzkrieg. Boom.


Moral of the story: Whiskey Dick is the opposite of awesome: just like Snooki.