It's A Treasure Map...Of Awkward

It's a new year, readers.

I'm 22 now, time to be mature. Time to be...a person...or whatever.
So, in the spirit of maturity and adulthood, I'm going to talk about something near and dear to my heart: places you make out but you deffs shouldn't.

As suggested by my dear friend Chris Antes; the cockpit of an airplane! Or the cockpit of anything, I guess. I don't know what other things have cockpits, but I imagine they are not good places to make out either. You never want to distract the guy who is keeping you from running into the summit of a mountain. Never.

Other places that I have realized aren't great ideas to smash face holes:

Locker rooms
In the gorilla enclosure at the zoo
Walk-in freezers
Mid-way through defusing a bomb
While driving
Class
Mars
While dumpster diving
In an uninvolved third party's bed
In that same person's closet after they (supposedly) threw you out of their house
In that same person's car that you broke into later that same night
Tattoo parlors
Trashcans
Subways...you know what?-that includes the mode of transportation AND the fast food establishment
In a boxing ring while there is a fight going on
Stairwells
Fountains
In a movie theater because that is awkward for everyone
Under water (YOU WILL DROWN)
On horseback
In a nursery
On a table
On the Galactica (either you OR they will get shot by or turn out to be Cylons, maybe both!)
In the oven
In the line at Starbucks during the busy hours
Disneyland
Disneyworld
Disneyland-Paris
On a roller coaster
In a blizzard
During your bi-weekly KKK meetings
On Skype
While rock climbing
The gym
Cabinets
Hidden behind the bar at your favorite club because someone, probably a bartender, will find you and throw you out forever and then you will be sad because you can never return to a place you love
In an alleyway
A kindergarten classroom
Inside a wall

I'm sure there are plenty more, and I'd keep going but I don't want you to feel that limited in your make-out options.

Moral of the story: Don't make out there.

Holiday Hello

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, MOTHERFUCKERS!

I'm the hot one...in the middle...in blue...ya' know...the hot one...

Can I get yo' number?

I love pick-up lines.
LOVE THEM.


I especially love when they go awry.

In fact, they're probably better when they go terribly.
Or when they're just terrible to begin with.

I just love pick-up lines.
I honestly think that if a dude used one on me, I'd be so charmed by its stupidity that I'd actually hold conversation with him. I wouldn't go home with him, but I'd chat. Mostly to find out why he ever thought it would work.

The thing I like most is that, usually, there is some major flaw in almost each and every pick-up line.
Examples:


"If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib."
Well...being compared to a chunk of dead animal is nice. But also, and here's where my intense knowledge of butchery comes in, the most valuable cuts of meat come from the tenderloin. That's where the fillet mignon comes from and that's the most expensive and tender cut of meat. Prime rib just comes from the ribs...ya' know...like all the other ribs on a cow. I guess maybe referencing "tenderloins" (tender loins) in a pick-up line is more forward than most guys want to be, but still.
You just compared this girl to raw meat, are you really getting respectful at the last minute?

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."
Why would you do that? Everyone would have to relearn the song and that would be a pain for everyone. You really want to cause people that much trouble? Rude.

"Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?"
I appreciate the rhyming. I also appreciate the polite question. It isn't "Can I come home with you?" it's really asking my opinion and taking my comfort into account.
Good work, pick-up line.

"If you were the new burger at McDonalds you would be the Mcgorgeous!"

I always enjoy being likened to a pile of fried grease that will give people heart attacks and kidney problems. Plus, adding the generic "Mc" in front of something really classes up the line.

"Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?"

As it turns out, the only way to make a living from being sexy is to be in porn...so...hopefully she's doing something other than just that or else you should maybe hit on someone else...ya' know...for herpes-evasion reasons.

"Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you."

This is a classic. I'd point out that a parking ticket does not have "fine" written all over it, in fact it only says "fine" once or twice (I know this because I get them almost constantly), but I know that isn't really helpful. Also, I'd hate to be a parking ticket because nobody likes them. Not even meter maids.

"I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?"

 Yes, theoretically, if you are anywhere near me tomorrow night I will be able to see you then too. I do like the word play, and it is clever. But also, tomorrow night is pretty short notice, what if I have a test to study for? What if I have plans? WHAT IF?

"Was your father a thief? (No. Why?) Because someone had to steal the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes."

How dare you impugn my father's honor! He is a nice man! Also, having a star in your eye is physically impossible and would be terribly painful. A giant ball of burning gas? Bad idea.

Also, look what I found while poking around for bad pick-up lines.

What could possibly be going on here?

We'll never know!

Moral of the story: Pick-up lines may or may not be the stupidest things ever.

Tyin' the Knot

Marriage

I know you're all desperate to propose to me, and I can understand why.
I am awesome.

But your undying, burning love is not the reason I have written this post, no, you see some thing have come to light recently and I want to discuss them with you.

My uncle just passed away, which is very sad, mostly because it was very sudden.
That isn't the thing that came to light though.

What came to light is the fact that he is married.
He was married twice before, and had been dating a new woman for a couple of years, but apparently THEY GOT MARRIED 8 MONTHS AGO and didn't feel like telling anyone.
Somehow we found out a couple weeks ago, through a slip of the tongue or something, but his children have only found out he was married because of his death.

HIS CHILDREN DID NOT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED

You might say, "It was his third marriage so there was no reason to put up a fuss about it or have a ceremony or anything." Yes, but it was a) her first marriage and b) even if you don't want to do anything fancy, you should at least TELL people about it.

Secret marriages!

My friend Brian's family just had a similar thing happen wherein one of his cousins got married without really telling anyone.

Who does that?

Even if you think weddings are stupid, or you don't want to make a big deal out of it. At least send out a card, or...ya' know tell your children.

I personally do think weddings are stupid.
That is a lot of money spent on ONE day in your life.


Also, here are some big problems I have with the wedding ceremonies and why I refuse to have one:

First off, I'm not religious so having a ceremony is entirely pointless.
Second, I'm sure you know that brides are supposed to wear white because it shows that they are pure and virginal.

 

Yeah...that's not applicable. Also, wedding dresses are ridiculous. Look at this thing. I bet that dress costs 7,000 dollars at least. You look like a crazy person in that much pouf and sparkle. Also, now you have a seven thousand dollar dress that you can never wear again and do nothing with. Useless!

Next, engagement rings! Technically, chronologically, they come earlier but whatever. Do you know why engagement rings are thing? Women wear them as a token from their men so that other dudes know that woman is taken and off limits. Men don't have to wear them because men, unlike women, are not property and do not belong to their spouse. Men eventually wear wedding rings, but before that they can do whatever they like.

I call shenanigans.

ALSO!

Veils! Those were invented so you couldn't see your bride's face before taking the vows, and then, if she's ugly, it's too late to back out! I always love things that are meant to trick men into marrying me!
Bullshit.

ALSO!
Fathers walk their daughters down the aisle as a symbolic gesture that their property (the daughter) is being transferred to the ownership of her husband! Literally giving her to the husband. Because women are property.

So, the evidence stacks up against weddings.
I'm not against marriage. I think it's a good, responsible choice.
Weddings though?
Bullshit.

I'll walk down the aisle for one man, and I think you all know who that is.

Yeah.

Moral of the story: FUCKING TELL PEOPLE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED

The Greatest Mistake A Human Being Can Make

We've come to it.
The topic I've been stewing about for weeks.
Now I must write the post to end all posts.
Yes, reader(s), we've reached that point: hickies.

A hickey is, perhaps, the least attractive mark you can leave on a person.
They're fucking gross.

 

Someone try to convince me that this isn't super yucky.

Go ahead, try it. 

It is as if you got punched by a baby and its tiny, evil fists gave you weird little bruises. 

I know that everyone gets them at some point, and some people get a lot of them, and so I guess one major concern is not only how gross and ugly they are (and how they would mandate the wearing of a turtleneck mid-summer), but also how they are completely unacceptable beyond sophomore year of high school.

If you're going to suck on someone's neck for that long, shouldn't you be doing something more interesting? Just suctioning on them like an octopus fighting for its food is not sexy or efficient. It's boring. Also, don't stay in one place that long, and if you're not there for a while then you're sucking too hard. One or the other and neither is fun.

I would say that they're in bad taste all the time, but you need a couple years worth of learning curve so you know what intensity/length causes that sort of mark. 

Sophomore year of high school.

No older.

You know who gets hickies? 

People like this. 

Do you want to be like this kid?

NO

Of course you don't. 

That's gross and terrible.

You're an adult! 

If you insist on ruining my life, then you can at least leave a hickey somewhere more interesting than my neck, like I just got bitten by a vampire without his dentures in.

ALSO, have you ever gotten a hickey that is legitimately painful?

It sucks!

And you can't even pretend it's a burn from your straightener, because it's purple and shaped like your sex buddy's face hole. 

Moral of the story: Hickies are disgusting, stop letting them be a thing.