How To:

New Feature:

Every few posts I'm going to share with you the best possible way to do something. A How To section, if you will.

For our first time, I'm going to teach you:

How To Make A Guy (Or Girl) Stop Hitting On You.

We have ALL been hit on.
For some of us, it happens almost constantly and to the point where you run out of ways to say no.
There's the classic: "No, I'm not interested."
A more polite: "No, thank-you though."
Or the more forward and more rude: "Get lost."
There's even: "Get out of my face."

But those don't always do the trick.
Sometimes a dude is too forward or too drunk and you gotta pull out the big guns.
Pretending to be a lesbian only works if he isn't going to try and make you come home with him AND another chick.
Saying you have a boyfriend is reliable but he could always ask you to come for a ride anyways, since your boyf isn't here, obviously.
Or you can ignore him and walk away, but that can be awkward and usually means you spend as much time avoiding someone as you do enjoying the bar or club or museum or opera.

Here's what I've started doing:

Say you're married.

I was in Florence about two months ago and I was walking to the store to get groceries for my family while they were at a museum.
A guy came up and asked me for a cigarette and I gave him one. He then started making conversation.
"Where are you headed?"
"The store, I have to get food for my family for dinner tonight."
I don't know why he assumed this, but he asked, "You married?"
My choices were to say no and have to keep talking to him, or lie.
"Yeah, three years now."
In my head I'm married to this guy, just for reference:

Oh Jason.
And the guy said, "Oh, wow, I really respect a married woman, that's great."
"Yeah, love of my life, haha."
"Do you have kids?"
Well...I hadn't seen that coming. But sure, already married to Jason Segel, might as well have a kid...and a fat dog:

Only after telling him I was married and had a child did he seem willing to let me walk away and buy a pound of brie at the Esselunga.

Moral of the Story: Tell 'em your married. It's douchey to hit on married women.