Ideal Dates

My freshman year of college found me living in the dorms trying not to die and get a fungal infection in my feet from the showers. Eew. On my floor lived two girls: Jesus Jen and Jesus Talia. YES, they were Jen an' Talia. (Say it fast...again...there ya' go! Get it?)

Beards Get You Laid!

Both girls had big ol' lady boners for Jesus. And God. But probably not Mohammad or Moses...which is rude because they both had sweet beards. At least I assume Mohammad had a sweet beard, the whole lack of images things makes that hard to verify, but his followers tend to have great beards and, like the Jews, they  emulate their religious icon. LOGIC.


So, yeah, both girls were a little to far into the Bible and I feel like they would probably go to this event and sing/write these sort of songs. OMG LINK!



Often, they would take advantage of nice weather and "Go On Dates with God." Repeat: GO. ON. DATES. WITH. GOD.
I am not making that up.
Those are their words.
GO on DATES with GOD.
This meant, I think, they'd go to the park, stare out at the water and journal about their faith and how much Jesus means to them. That'd be fine and almost interesting except that it caused some drama when Talia started going on these God Dates without Jen. Big deal apparently. Maybe the dates were more than just sitting around contemplating scripture...maybe they were actual dates!

Alison and I, being assholes, had a long running joke about what God probably ordered at dinner, and how they split the bill, if ever, and what is opinions were on staying the night, and how quickly the girls would let him hit up first base. Man, hell is going to be delightful.

This recently got me thinking, though, about dating and how difficult it can be to date in the modern world, what with hypocritical feminists running amok and expecting equality but also not ever having to pay for dinner.

BOO.
Here are my own personal ideas about First Date/Dating Etiquette.

durrrrr dating!

• Whomever suggests the date should pay (if he asks you to lunch, it would be polite for him to pay but bring your wallet because that could be awkward)
•  It is a great gesture, however, to offer to split it apps/dessert and main dishes, or to offer to buy the drinks. This ensures him/her that you don't expect him/her to pay for everything all the time
• Lunch is a great way to get to know someone without the pressure of a dinner date or having to feel fancy. It is also easier for the date to continue without it ending up being a night-time/sexual thing. Lunch works as an excellent starter date. 
• If you want to get more casual, then a happy hour special or event night at bar would be fun. Karaoke or 80's Night are more interesting ways to test the water.
• Don't just bring whatever flowers find; those are great but it'd be awesome if you knew her favorite type (ask it on the first date and bring them for the second to show you're listening). It's an empty gesture if you just buy them.
• I think it's important to know your own timing; if you are comfortable kissing on the first date, go for it. If you need more time to settle in and decide how you feel, wait. Also be aware of whether or not the other person is pushing for/resisting any of your advances. 
• Choose something you both enjoy; if you don't like the same kind of movie, don't settle and go see one you don't want to. It'll bring down your energy and make it kind of lame. If you both love bars, go there. If you both love hikes, do that. If you both hate children, go throw rocks at the playground. Find your common ground and hang out there.
• Have a few topics of conversation stored in your back pocket in case there is a lull. Options: Where would you live if you were exiled from the United States? Secret talents. Weird ice cream flavors. Things to do on the weekends. What would you do with 100,000 dollars? What the fuck happened to Lost in the last three seasons?-they totally ruined that show, fuckers.
• Don't be creepy.
• Don't force yourself to go out with someone you don't really feel a connection with. If they can't make you laugh or have any of the same basic values or interests as you, or if you aren't at all attracted to them, don't go. Probably just awkward and not worth it.

There ya' go. I'm sure I'll have another edition of Dating Etiquette and Ideas sometime soon. These are the main ones that I think are important or useful.

BONUS ADVICE:
For the hordes of people trying to date me:

• get me balloons or a giant cookie
• make me laugh 
• take me somewhere with french dip sandwiches and good beer
• do NOT take me to a movie (I'll get popcorn down my shirt and that'll be embarrassing) 
• understand my references to and obsession with Die Hard

And there you'll have it; dating the (Not So) Virgin Mary and other awesome girls.

Moral of the story: Dating is weird...and dating God is even MORE weird.