Seriously Guys, What The Hell?

I was trying to enjoy a beer. Just one beer...well, one pitcher of beer. Alison had been convinced to join me at the local bar The Up & Up. The Up is not, I repeat, NOT the kind of bar you hit on people at. It's all booths and tables and full of groups of friends.
It's like the Cheers bar but better because no one is sad and we're all a lot younger.
So, we're sitting at one of the booths along the wall, minding our pint. In walks not one, not two, for fourteen girls all in black minidresses and heels. Then, from among them, appears a girl in white.
It's a fucking bachelorette party.
A huge, loud, stupid bachelorette party with several older attendees (at least three women over or around forty) and the rest all looked like late twenty-somesthings who were going nowhere in life.
There was a lot of screaming.
And a lot of old lady butt getting bounced around near our table.
Even older women like to lez out at bars.
What the hell, guys?

We wanted to try and get out fast so I made Alison drink the last of my beer and we were going to get the hell out when, of course, a dude approaches.
Of course.
He stood by our table for a minute, just yackin' and then sat down to talk with us.
Joy. Of. Joys.
The gentleman was very drunk. But that didn't stop him from talking, or managing to get a friend over so he could talk too!

Here's the break down of our two lovely suitors:
Alison's guy:
firefighter
graduated computer science major
30
has a child, who is with him five days a week but whose mother lives in Mexico so WHERE THE HELL IS THAT KID FOR THE OTHER TWO DAYS OF THE WEEK?
has, apparently, a long standing warrant for his arrest here in Bellingham so he's turning himself in to jail come morning
and, of course, he's "really good at sex" and "all his girlfriends keep crawling back to him because he's so great and they want to do him all the time." Right.
My guy:
fisherman
no college degree
27 or 28
has some big plan to go into real estate...or something
is really into being a buddhist
his lama is an old white guy with a ponytail
they met in prison
yeah, this dude went to prison, and I'm pretty sure it was for murdering his fiancee.
Evidence, you request?
He had a tattoo for her, and when I expressed sympathy he responded "it's actually the best way to break up with someone, you have total closure."

ABORT MISSION.

As you can tell, Alison and I attract really high quality guys.

Moral of the story: do NOT hit on me if you've been to jail. Thanks.