Your First Line of Defense

There are a lot of things I'm good, well, there are a few things I'm good at, okay, there is at least one thing I am good at.

That thing is called "bitch face."

Bitch Face is when your face makes you seem like you're a bitch, but not just that, it makes the opposite sex not want to approach you in any way at all ever.

You don't just seem like a bitch, because some dudes are in to that, no, you're giving off this vibe like "If you talk to me I will introduce your face to my fist, and they will not get along well."

It is a well documented thing, and here are some examples:

Posh goes more for the "What the fuck are you doing, bitch?" Bitch Face. This one is most useful if you are already being approached by a guy or talked to and you don't want to find the words to make him go away.

This girl just has constant Bitch Face on this show, and maybe in real life too, and this is a great example of it. Straight mouth, no hint of a smile, tense jaw, and very slightly furrowed brow to imply that their very presence on this earth is an unending nuisance to you.

Selma's is showing us the classes drunk Bitch Face. You're a little frazzled at the end of the night and you end up just staring blankly and kind of sneering at the person. Then you leave.

Bitch Face can come about in one of several ways; some people are born with it, and their neutral face is bitchy looking. Where some people always smile or always look sad, some people just look bitchy. Some people can acquired the Bitch Face through years of practice, if they're lucky and study under a master. Some people get that way when they've been drinking, or under special circumstances, but it isn't their natural face.

Bitch Face has a lot of practical uses too: it helps keep gross bar fly boys at bay, it helps you get across campus quickly, it helps to keep people from asking you for help all the stupid time, it means you get left alone.

It can also be a curse since that means no one really wants to approach you. So when you do see a guy you want to have hit on you, pull out your best smile.

 Then you'll really dazzle them.

It can happen though, that if you have Bitch Face you end up standing around while your friends get hit on or danced with, and you just get annoyed and your Bitch Face gets more dramatic so people are even less inclined to approach you. Vicious cycle, guys.

Moral of the story: Bitch Face works...maybe too much.

Holiday Hello

Happy Valentine's Day, You Beautiful People!

Saint LovesALot

You guys need to know something.
I never planned on admitting this to the world because it seems to be a magnet for unending shit, but that's okay.
I am ready.
I am willing.


I love Valentine's Day.

Love it.

I have also, never had a Valentine, so don't assume it is that.
Maybe I just always root for the underdog, or maybe I just appreciate an excuse to make cards for people, but I've always enjoyed this much-scorned holiday.

Potentially, it is also because I have a long standing love for big romantic gestures.
Most people are never on the receiving end of them, which is sad but I know that it is how the world works.
I don't necessarily want to have one directed at me, okay, I do, but only because I want to react like Lucille Ostero in Arrested Development and say "How Grand! How terribly grand!" when something happens.
I just enjoy watching things like that happen. It is sweet and fun, and reaffirms my faith in love and junk.
I've never seen any thing like that in real life, but that is okay. The closest I came was when I guy proposed in the Up&Up in October. I've told you about my favorite bar before, and I described it as "NOT the kind of bar you hit on people at. It's all booths and tables and full of groups of friends. It's like the Cheers bar but better because no one is sad and we're all a lot younger." So we're sitting there and all of the sudden, across the way in a big booth is a dude on his knees in front of a girl and she says yes. I like to think that maybe that is where they went on their first date or had their first kiss, but also maybe not. I think they were also in the middle of a friend's birthday party, so...way to steal her thunder, guys.
But anyways, big romantic gestures are rare but fun, and I like them and any excuse for them.

St. Valentine's Day is also a great holiday for me because I get to make cards.

This year I only made about 38, so it is way down from some years in high school when it was closer to 80. They're all hand made and individual and no two are alike and I love doing it. I know that not many people do that anymore, since it hasn't been required since, like, 5th grade, but I really like doing it. I make cards for Christmas and birthdays too, obviously, but Valentine's is my favorite.
It is easy for people to get grumpy and lonely on this day dedicated to illegal marriages, so getting a card always appreciated.

Also it as an opportunity to show off how witty I am.



















And I am pretty witty.

As you can see.



But that's not the point.

It is about other people, and that is awesome.


Moral of the story: I love Valentine's Day, obviously.

Vegas Is My Dreamworld

In March I am graduating college, and as a treat to myself and the world I am going to Las Vegas for 3 days and 4 nights. As part of this trip, I am, of course, encouraging Alison to make as many or more bad decisions than anyone else. Part of this requires me to come up with theorems to support my incredible genius.

I'm going to share them with you, so you can apply them to your future trips.

We begin with the Puke Point Proposal (PPP).
So you start out sober, as seen on this image which I made:

 

Then you drink X drinks to hit your Puke Point, and the first time, PP1, is easily conquered. You have to push past the Puke Point, and continue drinking so that your night can keep getting awesomer. With each rotation of the drunk circle, the number of drinks between Puke Points is decreased by half. So, between PP1 and PP2, you can only have half of X number of drinks you had to hit PP1. Get it? 

So Alison drinks 10 drinks to go from sober to vomiting. Then she conquers PP1 and can have 5 more drinks before hitting PP2. This goes on and on and on until you hit critical capacity/alcohol poisoning.

Next!

According to my extremely accurate math, Alison has to drink 4.6 drinks per hour while in Vegas. Easy!

LAST, and my favorite is:

So the math is pretty complicated but it ends up being about 20 dudes for Alison's NoPYHTBWIV number. I doubt you guys would quite understand it, because it was over Alison's head too. Don't worry, I'm smart.
A good rule of thumb is that if the number is under 15, you're doing something wrong. Check the numbers!

I highly suggest you apply these explanations, sequences and proposals to your own life and Vegas trips. They will only serve you well, as they will serve me and Alison.

Moral of the story: Vegas is the place your liver goes to die.

Definitions: Woos Woos Woos

Have you ever had a dream?
I have.
I have had lots of dreams.
Like one time there was a zombie apocalypse and I got locked in a room with Jason Segel...and it was awesome.
But also there are other dreams, like Vegas.
Vegas is the greatest dream a person can dream.
Vegas is a place where you can do things without consequences, and do people without having to know their names, and you can Woo freely.
Oh, you don't know about Wooing?
Don't worry, I'll let you know all about it.

A Woo is a sound. A Woo is a call. A Woo is an expression of self.

A Woo is made by a Woo Girl. Though they have existed for decades (perhaps centuries), the name and phrase were only recently coined by the show How I Met Your Mother.

"Like the laughing kookaburra a or whip-poor-will, the Woo Girl gets her name from the distinctive sound she makes."

You've all heard the Woo, and I can safely assume that most of you women have Woo'd at least once in your life. Urban Dictionary has a fairly judgmental take on the group, and technically so does the episode, but I'm more positive about them.

They wear sparkly things, travel in packs, wear a lot of make-up, do shots, go to tacky themed bars, and are easily excited. That sounds like a super amazing night in Vegas to me.

For some the Woo covers up sadness or disappointment in their life, but for others the Woo is a way to celebrate good things without having to articulate anything.

You Woo to congratulate someone on a job, or a marriage proposal, or a make-out, or a new dress.
You Woo when you get shots, or Long Island Ice Teas, or beers, or a free bottle of champagne.
You Woo when you get in to a bar free, when your favorite song comes on, when a guy starts hitting on your friend, and when your team gets a point in their sporting event.
You Woo if things are good, and you Woo if things are great.
You Woo if things make you happy, and you Woo if things make you drunk.


And I think, without a doubt, Vegas is the place that a Woo Girl can really spread her legs and Woo.


Moral of the story: Wooing is for winners.

Definitions

Open up your brain so I can store some knowledge in there!

Today is yet another day wherein I teach you things that you probably didn't know.
There are a lot of these sorts of things, but today we only have time for one (maybe two).

We're going to learn a new phrase today, and you're going to like it.
"Lady Boner," or, conversely, "Gentleman Boner."

Never heard of it? Well, after this post you'll be an expert.

This is inspired by a conversation I recently had with a friend, wherein I asked if the average guys thinks about the difference between "hot" and "beautiful."
It's a very difficult thing to articulate, but I find myself often thinking about it. There are implications and meanings tied to calling someone "hot" or "pretty" or "cute," and you wouldn't call Megan Fox cute the same way you wouldn't call a puppy dog "hot."

Here is what I have gathered, from my own life observations and the conversation.
"Hot" is the girl or guy you see at a bar and you really just want to see them naked. You don't really want to have to talk to them, but man do you wanna touch their butt. "Hot" is a bar hook-up, or someone's hot body, or a nudie picture. "Hot," I think, is young and temporary and shallow, but, obviously, it is a pretty good thing to be.

"Beautiful" is the man or woman you see somewhere, and you can't help but think "Woah." You want to have coffee with them or wake up next to them or date them for a year. "Beautiful" is solid and it ages nicely and it is the kind of person you really want to date and get to know.

This isn't to say that they are mutually exclusive, someone can be both hot and beautiful (Christina Hendricks, anyone?), but it is a fairly difficult balance to strike. It also isn't to say that one is better than the other, because there are people who like their mates hot and there are people who like them beautiful.

In fact, that is why I have decided to talk about Lady Boners and Gentleman Boners.

A "Lady Boner" or "Gentleman Boner" is someone you find really, really attractive. It is a fun way to describe a hot and/or beautiful person.

So, here are examples, I would say that this guy

gives me a Lady Boner, but I'd also agree to hear about his feelings. It's a dignified Lady Boner.

But this guy, gives me a Lady Boner and I just wanna see him naked all the time and if he talks I'll be annoyed. It's still a Lady Boner, but there's no classiness to it...just abs...so much abs...

See? Difference.

I have become a huge fan of using this word, mostly because I think the word "boner" is funny, but also because it is less exact than calling them hot.

For your viewing pleasure:

Lady Boners

Gentleman Boners

Moral of the story: Hot or beautiful, you're all perfect to me.

2012 and Me

Welcome to 2012, blog.
Both me and my blog had a rough start to the new year (puking in a kitchen sink is never a good way to start anything), and poor bloggy got ignored for a week (or two, but who's counting).
No more!
I'm writing this blog and you're all going to like it, dammit.
So here we go.

I just signed up for online dating.
Some people think that's weird, or lame, or pathetic, but I say "Fuck it."
It isn't how you want your love story to start, certainly, but there's no pressure for these "matches" to be life-long things. In fact, honestly, I'm looking for something pretty short term. Not a one night stand or a booty call, but for the kind of relationship where's there's no pressure to last forever, where both people know and are okay with the idea that it could be two months or six months and then end. No. Big. Deal.

The major problem I have encountered, and you can all agree, is that the kind of men who hit on me in public places and in bars are NOT the kind of guys I really want anything to do with. Ever.
You remember Guy-Who-Went-To-Jail-For-Killing-His-Fiancee-I-Think? Or every man who hit on me while I was abroad?
They're probably not awful guys, but they're looking for someone and something that I'm not, and I neither can nor will provide.

So, with my track record in mind, I said "It's a new year, and I want to try something new."

I don't want to find a long-term boyfriend (barf) or the guy I'm going to marry (ugggggh cheesy). But I do want to meet new people, and have the opportunity to have actual conversations with men who are actually interested in me.
Getting hit on in bars is fine, sort of, but it's not what I like.
Bar hook-ups are fine, if you're safe and smart about it, but they're not what I want anymore.

You'll also be pleased to know that in five days of being signed up, I've got 2 dates already, and a creeper.
So there.

Moral of the story: I'm already living most of my life online, why not just round it out?